Rescue Me quotes

Maggie

[about Sean] He's not my boyfriend.

Tommy

Well, he thinks he is.

Maggie

Listen, Tom, he's a sweet kid, dumb as a box of rocks and not the regular ones, the dumb ones. He's not bad in the sack and that's about all there is to it.

Tommy

So, you're not serious about him?

Maggie

Listen Tommy, including Garrity I got about 4 guys in line right now, no five. I just started this thing with the new super in my building. He's a cute Mexican guy, his name is Nacho. Y'know, like the snack.

Tommy

Yeah, that's cute. He's in love with you, you know.

Maggie

Nacho?

Tommy

Not Nacho. Garrity.

Maggie

Tell me somethin' I don't know. They're all in love with me, Tom. It's like moths to a flame.

Tommy

[on the phone] Lemme ask you somethin'. When did it start? Was it after Connor died, and I asked you personally, as my brother to look after my own kids and my wife. Is that when it started, huh? Was it like a month, a coupla months, huh? Last week? When did it start?

Johnny

It was your Junior Prom when you brought Janet home in that dress so Mom and Dad could take pictures of her. She looked amazing in that dress, Tommy.

Sean

You know what, Tom, this is just you -- being you, y'know, overprotective and thinkin' I'm good enough for your sister.

Tommy

That is not the issue believe me.

Sean

Yes it is.

Tommy

Of course you're good enough for her.

Sean

Oh, really?

Tommy

Yeah. And so are the four other guys, the underwear and the sock guys.

Sean

Oh, very funny. [they get into a shoving match]

Tommy

My sister.

Sean

She's my girlfriend! [Sean starts walking away]

Tommy

And well, one other thing, asshole.

Sean

What?

Tommy

Don't tell her I mentioned this stuff to you, alright? Please? Sean?

[about who gets to commit suicide first] I'm homeless. I got nothin'! No friends, no family, my life is shit.

Lou

My life is bigger shit. My wife whom I love dearly left me for another man. She broke my heart and then she took nearly everything I own. Yeah, and then I met another woman, beautiful, young, gorgeous... hooker but one of the good ones because-- because she didn't make me pay until the end. And then at the end she took every penny that I had on Earth. Then get this-- I'm in a porn store the other day and who do I see on the cover of a triple X but her. So, not only is she a thief and a hooker but she's a porn star. I'm a joke, I'm a loser, I look in the mirror and I wanna puke.

Be my guest.

Lou

Excuse me?

You win, loser, you can go first.

Lou

Thanks.

Sheila

[as Tommy is going to a sperm bank] How do they remove it from you?

Tommy

The sperm? You know what, I think they go in right above the knee with-- with a little tube and suck the cum right outta your leg. I don't-- what do you think?

Sheila

No, I mean, do they hook you up to some device or...

Tommy

Yeah, they have a penis pump. No! I jerk off into--into a cup or y'know a plastic ice cube tray or something, I don't know.

Sheila

Look, I just have a little tiny question for you.

Tommy

What?

Sheila

When you're at the sperm bank and you're jerkin' off into a cup, could you, uh, think of me?

Tommy

Why?

Sheila

Because if we then decide to use the sperm at a later date to have a child, it would be sorta like we were actually...connected at the moment that it all started.

You know, the first man that a little girl falls in love with is her daddy.

Tommy

Yeah.

So then when she gets older and she gets married chances are that she's gonna pick somebody, just like her old man.

Tommy

I'm aware of this theory, and it's a buncha bullshit.

Oh, so you don't have anything in common with your wife's father?

Tommy

No, nothing.

Oh, nothing.

Tommy

No, he was in real estate first of all. He was a suit and tie guy he spend his whole life behind a desk and real estate was all he thought about. He got up every mornin' and thought about how to rip people off. He was a selfish, self-centered, greedy, lying, cheating... midget. He was like 5'2. I'm way taller than him, and not funny at all which is one of the things my wife said that she found attractive about me when she met me was that I was funny and her father was not funny.

All these goddamn faggotty politically correct assholes with their goddamn bibles, and their bumper stickers and their girl power bullshit. Nobody's accountable anymore. You get a drunk driver who kills a kid, it's not his fault 'cause he drank, it's his parents fault because they bullied him when he was a kid. I'm so sick of the people not facing up to the facts. Black people like fried foods. Chinese people, lousy goddamn drivers. Mexicans think that a pick-up truck holds 27 goddamn people. And that's just what I think.

Teddy

Will you marry me?

Sean

Oh, now I'm an asshole. Why am I an asshole?

Tommy

You're an asshole because you told Maggie everything that I told you about Fred.

Sean

Okay, I'm a pussy if I don't say anything to Maggie and now I'm an asshole for openin' my big mouth. You're impossible to please.

Tommy

You wanna please me? Keep your hands outta my sister's pants. [Sean tries to go after him, but since they're in the truck, he's seatbelted in and can't reach Tommy]

Sean

She's the best thing that ever happened to me, and you ruined it.

Tommy

Look, I told you to talk to her, okay? You decided to break up with her. You live with that decision.

Sean

Yeah, well, you know what? Try this one out. I don't wanna be friends anymore.

Tommy

Yeah? And?

Sean

I don't want you to call me. It's over. We're breaking up.

Tommy

You're--you're break--?

Sean

Yes.

Tommy

Hey! You guys listening to this? Garrity's breaking up with me!

Sean

Yeah, it's over. I don't wanna hear from you, no dinner, no hangin' out, nothin'.

Tommy

He's breaking up with me. Unbelieveable. Oh my God. Your whole generation. Gay.

Maggie

You happy? I never thought you of all people would sabotage the least dysfunctional relationship of my entire life.

Tommy

I wasn't tryin' to sabotage. You're the one who's going out with like six different guys.

Maggie

No, five and I liked Sean the best. He happens to be very nice and he does everything I say, he's perfect.

Tommy

Then why are you cheatin' on him?

Maggie

A zebra can't change its stripes overnight.

Tommy

[about Mrs. Turbody] I think she might have given me the Big C.

Lou

Cancer's the Big C. Chlamydia ... little c.

Tommy

Oh, well, you know what I'm sayin' so, what do you think?

Lou

I dunno. We're talking about piss filled bladders, we're talking about illicit underage sex scandals--

Tommy

Which I put an end to by the way.

Lou

---with teachers and students and uncles and nephews, we're talking about fire-breathing cocks, I mean, to be honest with you, all of a sudden, I don't know why, but y'know, I feel a little bit better about my life.

Tommy

Well, I'm glad I could help you feel better.

Lou

Well, I don't know what to tell you, I mean you're the only man in the tri-state area who shares a case of chlamydia with three teenage boys ... non clergy, of course.

Sean

Lou, I need some ibuprofens you guys got any?

Tommy

That's interesting because I have a whole giant bottle of ibuprofens just sitting up in my locker waiting to be taken.

Sean

Really? Well, could I have some?

Tommy

Nope, it's for me and my friends.

Sean

Okay, can we be friends again, please?

Tommy

Nope. You broke up with me, it's not that easy for me to recover.

Sean

Come on, Tom. I'm in pain.

Tommy

Yeah, well, I'm in pain too, okay? Emotional pain.

Sean

Really?

Tommy

Yep. I was very, very hurt.

Sean

[sleepwalking, after taking the wrong pill from Tommy]: Hey bro, you need to lose like 75 pounds. Seriously. If I have to carry you out of a fire, it's gonna be slow going.

Sean

[sleepwalking] Hey, whatcha writin' there?

A ticket.

Sean

Whoa, you can write those?

Yeah.

Sean

Can you do me a favor and write me two U2 tickets at the Garden? I love you U2. Two, my mom and my sister, my mom loves Bono because of the whole world hunger thing... actually, my mom--will you write us 12?

Janet

Colleen called her teacher a bitch and slapped one of her classmates, so they want her to see a counselor, I think it has to do with Connor and you not being around any more.

Tommy

You're right. It has nothing to do with the fact that you're sleeping with and living with her uncle.

Tommy

That's because they're real tits, Franco, that's what real tits look like, okay? Johnny Giant fake boob.

Franco

Well, excuse me for being an American, I like to suck on big tits, okay?

Tommy

Now it's a political issue. I'm a terrorist because I like real tits?