TV show quotes
Probie, do you know anything about this chick Garrity's been seeing?
No, he's been pretty tight-lipped about it. I know she's older, though.
Yeah, how much older?
Like a lot older-she was watching Monday Night Football the night they announced John Lennon got shot.
Yeah, that was, like, 1980, right? She couldn't have been, like, five years old.
She had a bet on the game.
I need you to talk to Damian. I found a box of condoms in his room.
Look, he’s almost 18 years old. There’s porn all over the internet, okay – hardcore, softcore, midgets blowing sheep. I think he’s probably pretty up to date.
Let me get this straight--
I'm bangin' my science teacher.
Mrs. Turbody, she's obviously married.
No, no actually she's widowed. That's kinda how we connected. You know, the grieving processes, the different stages, blah blah blah.
Blah blah blah.
Yeah, I got that from you.
This is some serious stuff. This-- this could scar you for life.
Yeah. I sure as hell hope so.
No. Literally, I mean you could end up being my age and still have the mental images from this-- y'know, in the front of your brain.
[Damian cheers]
[trying to convince Damian to stop dating his teacher] Alright, here's the deal. You ever look behind your mom's TV set, where the home entertainment system is and all that stuff is. You ever look behind there?
Uh, no.
Well, if you did, you'd see a whole gaggle of wires back there with connections and stuff-- there's inputs and there's outputs, and-- and it's kinda like your interior pleasure center. Like, your brain is wired directly to your penis, okay? So, you have all these inputs and outputs and if you put the wrong input in the wrong output, next thing y'know your brain is sending the wrong signal to your dick and you can get completely screwed up, okay? So it's okay now when you're 18 years old and you're bangin' a hot 38 year old Mrs. Turbody-- but then you can turn into a 45 year old man-- my age, and then all of a sudden you wanna bang... 70 year old broads, okay? You want that, huh?
No.
You ever seen your grandmother naked?
Hell no.
Well, I'm talkin' about seein' her and wantin' to bang her. You want that?
[to Tommy, about their dead son] You know the only thing good outta this? Is that I don't have to watch Connor grow up and turn out exactly like you.
Hey, here comes the cake! [sings] Happy birthday...
Shut your hole! Now, I'm warnin' each and everyone of ya right now, anyone who comes up with that happy birthday bullshit, I'm droppin' my pants and taking a leak on this cake and walking the hell outta here.
[After Colleen tells him that she's a born again Christian] So what's the deal with these born again people?
Well, it means that I accept Jesus---
Yeah, yeah, I know all that. I'm talking about when it comes to [whispers] sex.
What?
When it comes to y'know [whispers] sex.
Oh, um, no sex until marriage.
Really? [Colleen nods] Cool I'm in.
But wait don't you wanna know about--
No, I'm good. One other thing, who's your mom datin'?
I can't tell you.
I'm pretty sure there's something in the Bible where Jesus says you should honor your father and your mother, and I think Jesus wants you to tell me who your mom is seein'.
Dad, when you want information you ask first then you offer the bribe. That's how it works, you did it the wrong way around this time.
Duh. I was trying to be nice.
And oh, by the way, you're gonna have to gimme another hundred to keep me from tellin' Mom about you gettin' Katy sick.
Dream on. I'm not givin' you another dime.
Then I'm callin' her right now.
Go ahead. See if I care.
[Colleen walks away, Tommy hears her dialing on the phone]
Ugh! Alright. And you call yourself a Christian. [hands her the money] Unbelievable.
I thought the hot new thing at school was blow jobs?
Blow jobs were so last year, c'mon Dad, catch up.
What's a blow job?
Uh, nothin', it's, uh, a hair cut...thing.
You know, she looks like my mom.
What did you say?
That lady, she, she reminds me of my mom.
Shit.
Your mom is that hot?
Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean, hotter.
Really? Your mom has that kind of face? Those lips? That kind of rack?
Yeah, well, my mom's rack is a little bigger actually.
Where do you come off mentioning your mom and the word 'rack' in the same sentence?
I'm just saying, my mom she's, she's got like a large set of... of uh, you know, she's really...
Enough! Jesus Christ!
What?
Goddamnit... I was, I was gonna go over and talk to that chick! Let me correctify that. She's not a chick. In a room full of self-involved, young titless little chicks, she's a woman, okay? A real woman. Probably a very witty and wonderful woman...
With a great rack.
The rack was secondary, okay? It doesn't matter now. But the point being, I can't go over there and talk to her now.
But why, why not?
Because even if I went over to talk to her and got her to come home with me somehow, and got her to reveal the afore-mentioned great rack, all I would be thinking about is your mom's rack, and how great your mom's rack is. Not that I ever thought of your mom's rack before, but that's all I can think of now! Your mom's rack!
Hey, woah. You know what, my mom's married pal, okay?
[Jerry laughs, and Tommy leaves]
What?
Forbidden fruit, ball face.
You mean, like, melons?
So, Sean John, you gonna see your new girlfriend tonight?
Uh... yeah, maybe, I don't know.
Well, which one is it?
What?
Yeah? Maybe? I don't know? Pick one.
Yeah, yeah.
Atta boy, is she good?
Yeah, yeah, she's doin' good. She's really good.
Nah, nah, nah, nah. I mean, is she good?
Uh... that's really, you know, really I'm not so comfortable discussin' that.
Since when?
Yeah, I mean we talk about this shit all the time. It's pretty much all we talk about. Does she like it from the back? Hair pulled? Ass smacked?
You know what that's a little-- I'm tryin' to be respectful, I respect her-- She's respectable. C'mon, y'know. [pause, all silent]
So, what you're sayin' is that you're pretty much all about... respect now?
Yeah, yeah. Y'know, tryin'. [Sean is really uncomfortable and leaves]
Jesus, Tom, this is even more fun then you said it would be.
Told you.
Kid's dyin' inside.
Hey, you talk to T about Maggie yet?
No. Oh God, no. He seems kinda raw y'know, after the whole Johnny thing.
He seems fine to me.
Really?
Yeah been laughin', bullshittin' like normal.
Really? He was doing this whole bristling thing the other day, and in the kitchen he just threw me this really weird vibe. It kinda freaked me out.
He's bristlin'?
Yeah.
He knows.
Oh, shit. Really, ya think?
Yeah, you said he was bristling, right?
Yeah, well, I don't know, he coulda been stewing.
Well, Sean, there's a difference. If he's bristling he defiantly knows. If he's stewing it's up in the air.
Shit.
Well, maybe he's just waitin' for the right moment to bash your face in and set you on fire.
No way, I've been too careful, there's no way that he knows.
Ah, Sean. No offense, but being careful for you is like tempting fate for most.
Listen, I'm gonna need you to go again once I'm done with this cigarette.
Really?
Oh, yeah. If you're gonna fill in for your nephew you better raise your game. Damian can go 3, 4 times in an hour. Can you keep up the pace or not?
Well, I--I might need a sandwich...Mrs Turbody.
Hey, Garrity. Humpin' around last night?
[coughs] What? Humpin' around...uh, no. I was uh, only hump the one--I just--I just uh, make love to the girlfriend.
So you're like a one woman guy now?
Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much.
So when are we gonna meet the girlfriend?
Meet her? The girlfriend? Uh...she's, uh, soon. I don't know, she works a lot.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah. So y'know. Hey, that was some brew-ha-ha the other night, wasn't it? I mean not ha-ha funny just sorta...actually it wasn't funny at all... it was sickening, kinda.
Yeah that's how we settle things in my family, y'know, we're Irish.
Yeah, well, hey, please, tell me about it. Garrity.
No, I mean like we're real Irish. Not your generation fake, faggotity Irish. Y'know, what I mean? I know you guys are like 'my feelings' and y'know talk it out. We don't talk it out. We find out who's responsible, then we find the person and we beat the living shit outta them. My grandfather's best friend growin' up, he was friends with this guy for like 40 years and I guess the guy was flirtin' with my grandmother one day--- long story short my grandfather rearranged the guy's face and he can barely talk now.
Wow. Well, wha--what did the guy say to your grandma?
Uh, good morning. [Tommy throws down his cigarette and makes Sean step on it] Don't tell anyone about that.
Hey, we all make mistakes, right?
What?
You say somethin'? [Tommy leaves] I'm a dead man.
[about Mike's copy of The Tao of Pooh] Yeah, whatever. Hand it over.
Why?
Because a firehouse is no place for sensitive souls, Probie.
You used to write poetry.
Yeah, and it cost me my house, and my wife and a whole lot more so give it over.
You can't order me to stop reading.
I'm not. I'm ordering you to stop filling your mind with this bullshit fortune cookie philosophy. You're taking life lessons from a semi-retarded bear, Mikey. And it's not even a real bear. Consider yourself fortunate that you're not burdened by an overactive mind. Stick to cartoons and coloring books.
I'm not stupid, y'know, I'm just simple-minded. The book says Pooh's like an uncarved block. Y'know, that's kind of how I feel.
An uncarved block. That's hard to disagree with.
You're busting balls, but y'know, Winnie's as simple as they come. He just roams the woods, hangs with his pals, eats some honey, takes a nap. He doesn't care about understanding anything or even himself or the names that people call him. He just is. He accepts things as they are. That's the key to his happiness.
And that's what this is, you're a little depressed about the fact that we're going to keep callin' you the probie. And that is the little problem that caused this little egxtensial life crisis. You don't know problems kid.
I'm just starting to realize that nobody's ever gonna have all the answers, y'know? You may think you know everything, but you don't. And you can't. And you never will. So you should just stop trying and life will get a lot easier.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Rescue Me pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
