Franco Rivera quotes from Rescue Me

Lou

Finally, a moment of self-awareness

Sean

No, seriously, I haven’t taken a shit in like five days. I’m really getting backed up. I feel like I have a shit turduckin sitting in my colon.

What’s a turduckin dude? I mean I get the turd part, but -

Lou

Fancy poultry thing. It’s a chicken jammed inside a duck jammed inside a turkey.

Sean

Yeah, except in my case it’s a shit jammed inside a bigger shit jammed inside a really big shit.

Tommy

Okay, never thought I’d say this, but can we go back to the twins?

Lou

Alright, here’s my theory: I think there’s some guy with this super twin producing sperm, running around Hollywood impregnating all these broads.

Sean

Who? Who is it?

Tommy

Here’s one way to find him, look for a guy with four balls.

Four balls, how do you think he deals with the chaffing issues?

Lou

Well, I have another theory and that theory involves fact that I think this guy put some of the celebrity baby money into design and construction of the special ball harness.

Sean

Oooh, like a basket.

Franco

No, more like a cradle.

Tommy

Like a ball hammock.

Lou

Ahh!

Tommy

And with that gentlemen, I bid you adieu.

Sean

Do you think it's possible to die of shit poisoning? You know like if your shit backs up and you haven't shit for days and days and days? Do you just die or does it have to come out eventually? Because if so, I'm going to have invest in some earplugs.

Franco

Well, have you thought about getting your kidneys checked out?

Sean

What's that supposed to mean?

Franco

I'm just saying think I they have something to do with your waste functions. You might have a problem, you know?

Sean

Yeah? Well maybe you've got a problem, asshole, talking about other people's functions. What are you, a doctor?

Franco

You know I'm not, Sean.

Sean

Yeah, well shut your mouth.

Franco

Maybe ought to shut yours, shit's starting to come out of it.

Sean

Yeah, I wish.

Franco

[about his next boxing opponent] Yeah. No, this guy looks a little bit questionable chief. I mean is he in the department or what?

Needles

He's in the system.

Franco

The system. What system?

Needles

The penal system. Killed a guy with his thumb. Allegedly. Don't worry he's wearing gloves.

Needles

In my heaven, every man that's ever done this job and laid down his life in the line of duty, like the 343 from 9/11, they get the best seats in the house.

Do you believe in heaven?

Lou

Yes, I do.

Sean

What's heaven like for you?

Lou

Free hot doughnuts on floating trays.

Franco

What about hell?

Lou

Barbra Streisand.

Sean

Is she singing?

Lou

No, she's not singing. She's alone. She's just there. She's just kinda loitering, and I'm burning up in flames. They're lickin' my body, and she's just standing there a couple yards away, just looking at me with that weird, crazed, kinda go-funny eye of hers just glarin' at me. For Hitler, she'd be singing.