FrancoI'm just looking for a positive take on marriage, but apparently I'm out of luck, huh?
No, actually, you're not. I'm the perfect guy for you right now. I know, I know, I know. I mean, all these years I've been talking about Janet about how crazy she is and how illogical and nonsensical, and how she... never ever is gonna be satisfied with everything.
Franco
Yeah.
It turns out I was right. Yeah, but it's not just her. It's pretty much all woman. That's what I-- Yeah, but the problem is, I was approaching it the wrong way, yeah. I was thinking about you know, me and sex-- By the way, the sex thing is the key... sex really has nothing to do with marriage. Tits, ass, sex... just throw that out the window. The key stuff is... listening. You gotta be able to listen, and have long conversations that-- that you remember, um... hugging.
Franco
Hugging?
Yeah, hugging's a big one. Buying furniture. And what's the other one? Oh, spooning. Yeah.
Franco
Okay. Now, let me get this straight: You, Tommy Gavin, one of the all-time, hall of fame type, pussy hounds in the history of the FDNY, in my opinion, you are tellin' me that I should forget about ass, forget about tits, forget about sex and focus on... uh... caring and sharing and listening and... hugging, and uh...
Franco
Right. I mean, this what's making your marriage work?
Yep. That and the fact that my dick doesn't apparently work with any other women. [sighs] It really sucks. But, you know, if I were you, I'd pull the trigger as fast I can, pal. Get yourself hitched.
Franco
Jesus Christ, Jerry. Shit. I mean, there's no other way?
You know, you just don't get it, Franco.
No, you're damn right we don't, Lou. Come on.
You know why? You know why you don't get it? Because you're young and the future is your friend, you know, and your eyes work and your cocks work, and the way you guys think you're gonna be on the job forever eatin' smoke, and it don't work that way, boys.
Okay, so if I get a little older, a little sick, I should just kill myself? Is that what I'm supposed to do?
You know what? It was Jerry's life and he was unhappy and he made a choice. And obviously it was a pretty severe choice, but you wanna know somethin'? I give the guy all the respect I have for going out on his own terms.
Franco
Yeah, well, I don't. I think he was a goddamn coward.
Franco
I'm just sayin' how I feel, Lou.
[to Tommy]' Do you hear this shit?
Yeah, except that I kinda agree with him.
Well, then screw you, too.
He was afraid. Afraid of workin' behind that desk down at down at headquarters for the next five or--
Oh, come on, Tom. That's your excuse for the guy?--
Shut up, asshole! What do you got eight years on the job? (Sean goes to say something) Shut up! Christ almighty. You know how much he hated being the Chief, huh? Watching us run into jobs while he stood outside, but he did it. You know why? So he could teach assholes like, (points to Sean and Franco) you and you what the job was really about. When he was working up in the Bronx, when the Bronx was burning, huh? You ever hear about those days, huh? They'd get 10, 12, 14 jobs a night! Shithead. He ran into a job up on 279th street, he pulled three kids in wheelchairs out in somethin' like 15 minutes. You know why? Because the rest of his crew was busy bringing old people out. There was a cold storage warehouse fire up there one night and the Chief on the job that night shut the job down because it was 'too hot for humans'. You know what Jerry did? He ran around the side of the building, went in the side door, pulled out two drunken assholes, ends up the two same assholes who started the goddamn fire! And he was working then, without a mask, running in and out of the building with a cigar danglin' out of his mouth. You wanna talk about being brave and who's a coward and who's not a coward? Suck my cock. Wanna talk about being brave? When he was workin' up in the Bronx, he used up all the goddamn brave he had.
Franco
[after they are told they can't have anything with sexual, racial, religious, or ethnic themes in their lockers] Look, now I don't know about you guys, but I need naked chick pictures in my locker, alright? You know, I come back from a job and I'm thinking about rubbing one out in the shower. Looking at an American flag ain't gonna grease the rails, you know what I mean? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the American flag, but I'm used to saluting it, not jerkin' off to it.
Whoa, wait a second. You're jerkin' off in this shower here?
Franco
Sometimes.
I'm buyin' flip flops, like six pairs.
Teresa: Oh, wait. There's just one more thing. I'm gonna need to get my handcuffs, and my whip and my leather lingerie back. Also, the box of edible panties would be great.
I um... I ate all the edible panties.
Teresa: You ate the panties... Great. [walks off]
Franco
Chocolate flavored?
Yeah, and vanilla and strawberry. I had a Neapolitan thing goin'.
AAlicia
What do I look like to you?
Franco
Well, you look fantastic.
AAlicia
No, I don't mean how do I look, I mean what do I look like? Do you see a door when you look at me? I mean, a door that you're just gonna go through to escape? You know, I'm not some random means of destruction to end your relationship because you don't have the balls to do it yourself. I'm not gonna be used that way.
Franco
I'm not usin' you, Alicia. I love you.
AAlicia
Oh, don't say that.
Franco
I do. I love you.
AAlicia
You don't know what you're talking about.
Franco
So, now you're sayin' what I feel isn't real?
AAlicia
Not what you feel. You have to make some choices.
Franco
You know, you were right, sweetheart. Seein' Alicia made me realize that I love you more, and you're the one that I'm meant to be with. And now that I got Keela--
Franco
Yeah.
Franco
Yeah, right. I-I love you more than ever.
NNatalie
So, you love me more.
Franco
No, baby, I love you only.
NNatalie
But, I mean, like how close was it? Did I beat her by a half length or was it a photo finish?
Franco
Nat, it's done. This is good news, please, just take the ring back.
NNatalie
No, you take it back and take all your shit with you while you're at it.
Franco
Don't do this, Nat. You're the one who told me to go see her, okay? We just agreed that honest is the best policy, right?
Franco
Baby, don't.
NNatalie
No, I am not your baby anymore. I'm gonna take a long walk, be gone when I get back.
Hey, check it out, look what Shawn found.
Antique lamp, totally untouched by the fire or smoke.
Franco
Pretty cool, huh?
Hand it over, you mugs. [they hand it to him] Alright, three things, okay? This is private property, which means it belongs to someone, which means it has memories and emotions attached to it, it could possibly be a family heirloom. Second, taking private property from the scene of the fire, damaged or not, okay? Is against department regulations.
Franco
What's the third thing, Lou?
It looks like it's a reading lamp from a bedside table, which means there's probably another one exactly like it lying around, if you could find that and bring it directly to me, I'd appreciate it. [they all turn to go look for it] Thank you.
You know what, that's gonna go real nice with that headboard that you got out of the furniture warehouse fire last year.
It's the fun side of being a boss.
[about his inheritance] I already promised it to the Cancer Society.
Ugh. The Cancer Society. What's the cancer society gonna cure with your measly $100,000?
Franco
If you give it to those people, you know what they're gonna use it for?
Franco
Postage, to send letters out to other people to get more money. It's a vicious cycle, Mike. Not to mention, that they're never gonna find a cure, 'cause there isn't one. Cancer is God's disease, it's his way of thinning out the herd. And it's cruel, and mysterious and no one's ever gonna figure it out, 'cause that's the way that God likes it.
[about opening a bar] Well, if I'm providing the money, then what are you guys bringing to the table?
Dude, I got my associate's degree from Scranton... almost. I would provide the business savvy. You would be the money, I would be the brain's. Got it?
Franco
Wait a second, if your dumbass is the brains, then what the hell does that make me?
Well, we're gonna need a bouncer for sure. I mean, if Mike's the money, and I'm the brains, you would be the brawn.
Franco
Why do I gotta be the brawn?
Well, first of all, Lou told me what you did to that bum in the fire the other day. Secondly, you're Puerto Rican, kinda scary. I mean, who's gonna mess around at a bar with a big, giant scary, Puerto Rican guy standing at the door, y'know? Except maybe other Puerto Ricans, but let's be honest, we're not gonna let them in.
Franco
Whatever, man. Give me whatever title you want, I just wanna be around to watch you two humps sink this damn ship.
Alright, what do you say, Mike?
As long as I get to name the place.
Mike, Franco and I, we're buyin' a bar.
Franco
Uh, correction. Mike bought the bar, and I'm watching Garrity screw it up.
It's gonna be awesome. And if you have any suggestions Tom, we're totally open.
Uh, cool. Yeah, I got a couple. Build it on the edge of a cliff, go inside and start fixing it up and then pay somebody to come along and just push it over the side. It'll save you a lot of time and money.
Yeah, well, that's actually not gonna work 'cause we're opening it in the city.
Alright, quick quiz. You gotta pick one, you gotta lose one. Ball or eye?
Ball, or no eye. Or... ball. I mean, if you lose an eye, you can't even see your balls, so what's the point of that?
Franco
Pause, pause. I have the floor. Ball. It immediately cuts your chances of ball cancer in half.
That's a good point. I'm gonna go ball.
What if you pick the wrong one?
I'm sorry, you bought a lezbo bar? What are you crazy?
Well, it was a lezbo bar a long time ago.
Well, Mike, the whole reason we're doin' this, the whole reason we're buyin' this bar is because of the pussy vibe.
Franco
No, Sean-o's right, it's because of the pussy.
Yeah, and now you stuck us with a place that possibly has the wrong pussy vibe...
Is there any pussy vibe that's wrong?
And you know what? The Realtor said that years ago this whole building was a gynecologist's office.
Okay, now, I gotta rethink the whole pussy vibe thing. Maybe it was a gynecologist's office longer than it was a lezbo bar. Which then, the good pussy vibe might counteract the bad.
I've waited my whole life for this. We're actually having a discussion about pussy Feng-Shui.
Thomas, you're just in time for another in a series of gripping exchanges and deep thought and personal wisdom.
What are we talkin' about?
Today's topic is the most number of times they've masturbated in one day.
Franco
Yeah, I'm 7, Sean's 4. Lou?
Well, it's only 8:30, the day's young. I'd go for 4, but I'm doing food prep.
Well, yeah, but it takes a little longer now, I mean, the older you get... don't you need more time in between... you know...
Well, I mean, that's if you get technical, I was gonna say jizzes.
We did have a kid in the old neighborhood, Bobby Morgan, claimed he jacked off 17 times in one 24 hour period.
Franco
17 times, is that even possible?
Well, even more amazing than that, it was a school day.
Yeah, he said the last time, it pretty much just came out air.
So his cock farted? I mean, come on, if it comes out air, it's a fart.
[about his hearing] You know guys, I'm sure you're aware, if this doesn't go my way, which I'm sure it won't, they're gonna put me on immediate light duty and the odds are that I'm not gonna be comin' back to the firehouse. I just wanted to say--
MSMike, Sean, Franco
[at the same time] Nah, nah, Tommy. We feel that same way. It's been an honor working with you.
Lemme just get this out of the way, and say it out loud, as firefighters, it's like a football team, y'know our pluses and minuses balanced out and we made a great team, we really did. And I felt really safe working with you guys, and you saved my ass many times and vice versa. But... you know, I felt blessed, and the other thing that I wanted to say... [they all tell him he doesn't have to] Let me just say this stuff, very quickly because it needs to be said, in case the guy that comes in and stands in my shoes doesn't put it out on the table, I'll do it for him. #1, you're a moron. [points to Sean] Don't argue with me, because you proved it in spades when you married my goddamn sister, okay? [Mike laughs] What are you laughin' about? Because if he's a moron, you're the king of the morons. Don't give me the look... Do me a favor, spell "moron".
Okay, spell what? [they laugh]
Franco, I really, wished you weren't the guy who laughed the hardest at that because, if you took one iota of energy that you spend everyday chasin' pussy and you put into somethin' good, like I don't know, helpin' mankind, I'm pretty sure at this point we'd have stitched up the whole in the ozone layers, there'd be no more wars, and this party would be in a bar owned by you and the planet Neptune. [to Black Shawn] You, can't really say too much about you, because I don't know well enough and it wouldn't be fair to judge you. But, life's unfair, so let me get it out of the way, you probably suck, too. [points to Lou] And this, my best friend, who is not only a loser with women and a giant slob, but a goddamn lush. [Lou nods] Case closed. So what does that say about me? Good luck, guys. See 'ya later.
You know, uh, Frank, I got this uncle out in Staten Island and he owns this company, they transport hazard waste. I was gonna work for him, but a couple days before, 9/11 happened. And uh, I watched the news, and I saw all the people postin' flyers around town lookin' for their loved one's, and I just really felt, like I'm sure everybody did, that I had to do something, y'know. ... So, I decided to become a firefighter. You know, how a lot of kids wanna be firemen when they get older, well, I wanted to be a superhero. Even after, I knew that they really didn't exist, I still wanted to be one, because I wanted to fight the bad guys, you know. Frank, what I'm tryin' to say is... that I became a firefighter because of the bad guys did on 9/11, and if you're tellin' me that there are other bad guys and that they're our leaders, our people, the people who are supposed to watchin' out for everybody, that's too scary. I can't even think about that. I mean, I understand that there's evil in this world, but I just feel a lot better if it comes from some place that I don't call home.
Franco
Yeah. ... You say you were gonna take up transporting hazardous waste?
Yeah, I was gonna be a driver.
Franco
Jesus. I never thought I'd say this, but thank God for 9/11. [they laugh]
Rescue Me · 279 quotes
