Franco Rivera quotes from Rescue Me

The rack was secondary, okay? It doesn't matter now. But the point being, I can't go over there and talk to her now.

But why, why not?

Because even if I went over to talk to her and got her to come home with me somehow, and got her to reveal the afore-mentioned great rack, all I would be thinking about is your mom's rack, and how great your mom's rack is. Not that I ever thought of your mom's rack before, but that's all I can think of now! Your mom's rack!

Hey, woah. You know what, my mom's married pal, okay?

[Jerry laughs, and Tommy leaves]

What?

Franco

Forbidden fruit, ball face.

You mean, like, melons?

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Franco

So, Sean John, you gonna see your new girlfriend tonight?

Uh... yeah, maybe, I don't know.

Franco

Well, which one is it?

What?

Yeah? Maybe? I don't know? Pick one.

Yeah, yeah.

Franco

Atta boy, is she good?

Yeah, yeah, she's doin' good. She's really good.

Franco

Nah, nah, nah, nah. I mean, is she good?

Uh... that's really, you know, really I'm not so comfortable discussin' that.

Since when?

Franco

Yeah, I mean we talk about this shit all the time. It's pretty much all we talk about. Does she like it from the back? Hair pulled? Ass smacked?

You know what that's a little-- I'm tryin' to be respectful, I respect her-- She's respectable. C'mon, y'know. [pause, all silent]

So, what you're sayin' is that you're pretty much all about... respect now?

Yeah, yeah. Y'know, tryin'. [Sean is really uncomfortable and leaves]

Franco

Jesus, Tom, this is even more fun then you said it would be.

Told you.

Franco

Kid's dyin' inside.

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Franco

Hey, you talk to T about Maggie yet?

No. Oh God, no. He seems kinda raw y'know, after the whole Johnny thing.

Franco

He seems fine to me.

Really?

Franco

Yeah been laughin', bullshittin' like normal.

Really? He was doing this whole bristling thing the other day, and in the kitchen he just threw me this really weird vibe. It kinda freaked me out.

Franco

He's bristlin'?

Yeah.

Franco

He knows.

Oh, shit. Really, ya think?

Franco

Yeah, you said he was bristling, right?

Yeah, well, I don't know, he coulda been stewing.

Franco

Well, Sean, there's a difference. If he's bristling he defiantly knows. If he's stewing it's up in the air.

Shit.

Franco

Well, maybe he's just waitin' for the right moment to bash your face in and set you on fire.

No way, I've been too careful, there's no way that he knows.

Franco

Ah, Sean. No offense, but being careful for you is like tempting fate for most.

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That's because they're real tits, Franco, that's what real tits look like, okay? Johnny Giant fake boob.

Franco

Well, excuse me for being an American, I like to suck on big tits, okay?

Now it's a political issue. I'm a terrorist because I like real tits?

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We're supposed to go out again tonight, I mean, I wanna make her happy but I gotta figure out a way to fight some guys where I'm not gonna get hurt.

Just guys?

Yeah, just guys, for now. I mean, I'm sure I'll fight some chicks in a coupla weeks but for now, just guys.

Franco

What about guys with one leg?

Or no legs.

Midgets.

Midgets with no legs.

Ah, too hard to find.

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CRChief Reilly

Come on, this game is nuts now.

Franco

Now you know why Puerto Ricans don't play hockey.

Why's that?

Franco

Well, we'd all be carryin' knives it'd be a blood bath.

Maggie

Not to mention all the hubcaps that would be stolen off of the Zamboni.

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For your information Chris was just here. He told me everything.

Chris was just here?

That's right, I mean we're such good friends, I mean when were you gonna tell me about it?

Never.

Asshole.

I was confused.

Alright, well, now I'm confused too. Why didn't you just talk to me, maybe I'd have gone the same way.

Get outta here.

Yeah, bro. I like to keep it fresh. I like to try new things. Try new positions, switch hit. How could you go behind our backs and do this?

Sean you gotta know the truth. It-- it was just Chris.

Oh, don't pin this on him.

But it was him. He gave me like a half a dozen blow jobs, and it was always him goin' down on me. I never kissed him or slept with him, it was just the blow jobs I swear.

[Sean looks shocked and backs away]

Okay, what're we talkin' about here?

What Chris told you.

All Chris told me was about this transfer order-- Holy shit!

Sean, please just don't tell anybody.

[Lou walks in]

Mike's gay!

Oh, hell I knew that.

Chris talked to you too?

Who's Chris?

Chris is his lover man-- guy.

I can explain, Lou. Just please don't let anybody else know.

[Franco walks in]

Franco

Know what?

Mike's gay.

Franco

Yeah tell me something I don't know. [looks up from his book] Oh, you mean gay, gay.

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Every morning I'd pass by the construction guys out there on my way to work and there was this one guy-- Chris and I noticed him a couple of times. And one day, when I was passin' by, he sorta like smiled at me.

Okay, I think I'm gonna puke.

Well, it freaked me out too. Every morning he'd gimme this like smile. And one day when I stepped out and he wasn't there--

Did you check the end of your cock? [everyone laughs]

CRChief Reilly

Lou, let him talk. Go ahead, kid.

And he was gone and I sorta liked missed him.

Alright, my balls just went up behind my lungs.

I don't know how to describe the way I was feeling. Y'know, he was a nice guy... and-- and, we started talkin' and I guess I was like lonely or something and I moved into his place and it was great at first... then it got weird.

Franco

And then it got weird, because I was wonderin' when that was gonna kick in.

And he was into me that way, and that's when the blow jobs started... and it freaked me out at first. Yeah, and I knew it wasn't right for me--- he's gone, I'm not with him. I-I-I left, it's over, and that's the whole story.

Bullshit, Mikey. What about the transfer?

I filled the form out but I never turned it in, did I?

Oh, cut the shit, Mike, you already got your new house all picked out.

CRChief Reilly

How do you know that?

Because he's playin' for their softball team.

What?

Yeah, your boyfriend Chris, he told me that you were battin' for the other team. edit »

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Franco

I don't want him showerin' with us that's for sure. It's nothing personal, Mike. I just don't need you starin' at my hang down like it's an a la carte special at the Chez Homo.

Yeah, and I don't wanna know about your new boyfriends, or your new clothes, or nights out at the disco, or Liza Minnelli, or ass toys. It's off limits from now on.

I'm not gay. I didn't do anything sexual to him. I'm totally into chicks, and I'm seein' this girl over the past coupla weeks--

Franco

Yeah. A girl named Dave.

Y'know, if this is how it's gonna be, if I can't make a little mistake in my personal life then maybe I should transfer.

Hey, hey, kid come here. Guys, better or worse, I think we all consider ourselves a family here, correct? Now whether, Mike's a fag. Sorry, Mike. Or not he's, he's part of that family, correct? I think y'know, as a firefighter he's been startin' to pull his own weight. Y'know and maybe he acts a little faggy from time to time. Sorry, Mike. But y'know, in the shit he's been learnin', he's been performin', y'know Johnny Stack would not be alive today if it wasn't for Mikey. Now, as far as it goes in the house, I trust the kid, y'know, I feel like if I'm stuck somewhere on the job, I feel like he's got me, y'know, he's got me-- covered. Come here kid. [they hug] I got no problem with this.

[whispers] Ten bucks says Mikey's hard.

I heard that.

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Franco

He's retarded.

Like Rain Man retarded or Paris Hilton retarded?

Franco

Well, he can function, like Paris, he can go to the bathroom on his own which I assume Paris can do. He's pretty good with numbers, I'm not sayin' that the guy can count toothpicks off of the floor or anything and you know, he eats things.

Hey, hey now there's nothing retarded about that.

Franco

No, I'm not talkin' bout food things, Lou. I'm talking about actual things shit that's layin' around the room. Checkers, paper clips, erasers, pen caps, the guys small intestine must have a silver lining.

Well, you know how they talk about retards having like what's it called retard strength?

What're you lookin' at me for?

Well, maybe that's what Richard the retard has except all of his power is concentrated in his digestive track.

Franco

The thing is that I really wanna make a good impression with Nat, so I figured I take the guy to a ballgame.

Yeah, hey that's a good idea. A nice chance to bond.

Yeah, that should work out real nice, you know, assuming he doesn't eat the tickets before you get to the gate.

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Jesus Christ, he is now officially two hours overdue. I mean, this is unheard of. Jerry is never late.

Franco

Still gettin' Tommy's voice mail. Called him at home, the machine is full.

He was in the shower when I left this morning.

Maybe he like slipped and knocked himself out.

You know, the way that his life's been goin' that would be an improvement.

Franco

What do you wanna do, Lou?

What do I wanna do? What does Lou wanna do? Lou wants to sit here with a box of doughnuts and watch Frankenstein. That's what Lou wants to do. Although, that combination usually leads to a jerk off session so Lou will just stand here and worry.

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[looking at a 9/11 Memorial] It's hard to believe it's been five years, man.

Franco

Yeah I saw a thing about this in the Times, the picture didn't do it justice.

You realize the only reason this is here, is because firefighters and regular people, wanted to honor the guys we lost. There were no politicians involved.

No. The Chief of the Department, did I tell ya, when they did the unveiling... his speech, he said "All we got was empty promises from empty suits."

You know I feel for those families over there. Waiting for a memorial for their loved ones, we already got ours.

You know, the guys from this house, they lost a lot of brothers that day... they wrote on the back of this thing, they put personal prayers, put personal notes, and remembrances, of all the brothers they lost that day... and then they sealed it up so that nobody will ever be able to read what they wrote.

That's the way it should be, it stays between brothers.

Franco

Each other is all we got, right.

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Well, at this stage of the game my wife's got a bigger bank than I do.

I'm eating.

Let me think though, Scarlett Johannson. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Garner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh... Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet... Uh lemme see...

Franco

Janet who?

What?

Franco

Janet who?

Janet... Janet... Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh... she was so hot, she could really debate.

Shit. Gimme the knives. [grabs all the knives from the table]

What's happening? I don't understand. Shit where was I...?

I think you were talking about my wife.

No, no, god no, I was not talking about... your wife?

Yes, yes, you were. You're jerkin' off to my wife.

No. Oh my God, I don't know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never...

Yes, yes you did. That's what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!

Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the picnic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water balloon fight, I mean come on!