Red vs Blue Season 1 quotes

So, you're a girl, huh?

Just ignore him, that's what I do.

Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?

Hey punk, I don't need a weapon to kill you.

Yeah right. What are you gonna do, punch me?

Ahhhh! Not in the face!

Are you okay, Tucker?

Yeah, I'm fine. (turns back to their base) Come on, Caboose!

Does it hurt?

No, not at all!

Okay, here I come! (runs into teleport)

Does it hurt for real?

Oh yes, big time.

(as he emerges from the teleport) OOWWWWWWWJEEZ!! (turns to Tucker) You lied to me.

There's no L in it, it's pronounced 'both.'

That's what I'm saying, bolth.

Both.

You sound like an ass the way you say it.

Sarge

Grif, quicher yammerin' and get your keester up here. Need some help, got some more of dem spec ops fellas headed toward the base.

As in, more than one? Uh, maybe we should bolth go, sir.

BOTH!

Seriously dude, like an ass.

Sarge

Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think tank! Why don't you both come up, leave the prisoner alone? We could just put her on the honour system, have her guard herself.

Good point, sir.

Sarge

YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS! Now get your ass up here. We've got just enough time for me to spray paint the bullseye on your back. Ah, by bullseye I of course mean camoflage. Now move it cupcake.

(Over Church's radio, fighting with Caboose) I'm not yelling. I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Church! No! I'll tell him you said "hi" later. No, you can't talk to him! How could you possibly talk to him on my headset?

[Radio clicks] Oh my God... I can't believe I actually died for this war.

Sarge

They're definitely special-ops. I haven't seen troop movements this coordinated since my days on Sidewi- [Sarge gets possessed by Church] Wakeegeeheerager!

Sir, are you OK?

Uhh... who ya talking to red? Me?

No, I'm talking to Lopez, because, you know, that's real rewarding [Lopez swipes at Grif] Hey, what'd I tell you about that?

I..uh..I'm fine! That's...I'm just so mad about, these..uh..goddamn blues out here! They got me so goddamn mad, I could spit! [Church(Sarge) spits in his helmet]

Um...sir? Did you just spit inside your own helmet?

Uh...yeah. I guess did.

Permission to speak freely sir?

Go ahead.

That's really fucking gross.

Hey man, what's up, yo?

Um, hey. What's going on out there, sir?

What, uh, why, nothing. Why would you ask if something's wrong?

I think that's a perfectly normal question in a time of war.

Yeah well, I don't know. You're startin' to act kinda suspicious there... other red guy, so I'm keeping my eye on you.

Sarge, I'm starting to think tha- [Church huts Simmons in the back of the head ] OWWW! Jeez, the back of my head.

What the hell are you doing?!

Tex, it's me, Church. I'm here to rescue you.

You're a little short to be Church.

What? Oh yeah, right the armor. [Church leaves Sarge's body]

Sarge

What in Sam hell? Where the... who spat on my visor?

Tex, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this red guy so that I can sneak into the base and rescue you while the rest of our guys run around in the middle of the canyon, covered in black stuff that they got from going through the teleporter.

Okay.

What? That's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?

Nope, it pretty much all makes sense.

Not even the whole 'Church is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?

I can see through you, it's pretty obvious.

Okay, well let me pop back into this guy and we'll get out of here.

Alright, I'll make one more distraction, and then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready? One...two...thr- [Caboose fires the sniper rifle, killing Sarge] What the... where did my body go?! Oh you've gotta be kidding me! [Looks around]

Tucker did it!

Sarge

Will I remember any of this?

Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!

Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!

...Uh, hey Donut?

What?

Uh, about your armor...

What about it?

How do I put this? Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, you wanna help me out here?

It's pink! Your armor is freakin' pink!

How'd he get pink armor,anyway?

Don't ask, don't tell...

Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uhhh, a lightish-red.

Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink!

I hate you guys...

Sarge

Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to! No offense, Simmons.

Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.

Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?

Of course he is! You didn't notice that he never talks?

I just thought he was a real quiet guy.

Sarge

And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?

W-well, I did think the motor oil was a bit odd. I just thought he was trying to impress me.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.

I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?

Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.

You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.

Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.

[before Caboose and Tucker can turn to him] No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!

So since you're helping us, I guess you're not so mean after all.

I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get paid to do mean things.

Yeah but you like it.

Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.

So let's say I paid you to kill Caboose. [Caboose was told to watch "the base" in case the Reds see them, but he is watching Blue base.] You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?

Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?

Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.

Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.

Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.

It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.

Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?

Hey Church, Look! Birds! ...Why are they flying around in circles?

Aw man, how come they get a girl?!

[from ground level] Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin'... right here?

Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl.

And what the hell does that mean?

...Nothing! [both quickly back up from the ledge]

You ever wonder why we're here?

[Pause] No. I never, ever wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.