Rich Hall quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

...the harder and firmer it becomes. You could slowly [gestures with protruding finger] put your finger through it...

Rich Hall

Oh boy. Here we go.

Stephen Fry

The finger slips in smoothly...

Rich Hall

Wow.

Stephen Fry

It's... No. [embarrassed] Please, help me out here. But if you slap it hard... [realises, double facepalms] Oh, dear.

Sean Lock

If you're a nun...

Stephen Fry

[appalled] Oh no, don't go there.

Sean Lock

[grinning] I didn't say anything!

Stephen Fry

Oh please.

Sean Lock

It's obviously a reason that in Victorian bathrooms they had articles like that, it's a huge excuse for sexual jollities, isn't it? [gestures] "Oh no, I use it for my back!" It would feel like, you know, like sometimes if you sit on your hand, and it feels like someone else is doing it, it would feel like someone with a stump is playing with it. [makes provocative wagging gesture]

Stephen Fry

Mummy, make the nasty man go away... Very odd.

Stephen Fry

No! Give me that luffa.

Alan Davies

Now you want it.

Stephen Fry

That's going in the art cupboard and you're going in the naughty corner if you're not careful.

Rich Hall

It's going in your penis tin isn't it?

Stephen Fry

You are very bad children indeed.

What's the protocol for when you see a really ugly baby?

Rich Hall

I'll tell you. People show you their babies on their phone now, and it's like a cashew with some hair coming out of it. The thing to say is "Nice phone".

Rich Hall

Oh man, of all the pictures you have to show.

Stephen Fry

I know, it's not good.

Rich Hall

That's my uncle in that.

Stephen Fry

Er, Rich?

Rich Hall

Ever since the clangers, I’ve been lost. The last picture I recognised was the KKK and that’s pretty sad.

Rich Hall

The nativity story in the bible, probably could find a hotel room because they hadn't booked in advance.

Alan Davies

They should known it will be busy. Because its Christmas.

Stephen Fry

Where do you put your ladder if you want it to go into space?

Rich Hall

On top of a spaceship. With a flag hanging on it, so other spaceships don't follow you too closely.

Bill Bailey

It's a conceptual question. How about this: Up against the wall of silence.

Stephen Fry

You should have railings build around you and people come and worship you as a kind of modern Buddha. You've got the look, I have to say.

Bill Bailey

Oh, thank you very much.

Stephen Fry

Buddha look.

Bill Bailey

Rural Buddha [in a West Country accent] Wisdom...and cheap cider.

Bill Bailey

How about this: You could just...imagine.

Stephen Fry

Oh Bill, that is so beautiful.

Bill Bailey

'Tis the wisdom of the rural Buddha.

Sean Lock

The Dalai Farmer.

Stephen Fry

The male member would be slightly smaller in space. 'Cause blood pressure is lower.

Rich Hall

In space, no one can hear you apologize.

Bill Bailey

Was it 'This is the Moon, this is the end of the line...'

Rich Hall

Great to be here in Philadelph—I mean, the Moon.

Stephen Fry

I'm inclined to give the point to Rich, because he's sort of accidentally right, only he's sort of wrong as well.

Rich Hall

As usual.

Rich Hall

It's like a headline I saw in Ireland, said "Cork man drowns".

Stephen Fry

You guys are really bending the needle.

Rich Hall

His name was Bob. [to the audience] Come on!

Rich Hall

I think I've won this. I'm not gonna answer another question.

Stephen Fry

But how many friends do you have?

Rich Hall

Just one. James Taylor.

Rich Hall

They say that a friend will help you, uhh, a friend will come over to your house and help you move, and a good friend will help you move a body.

Stephen Fry

That's good. That's...

Rich Hall

...I have two good friends.

Rich Hall

You find a tree.

Stephen Fry

Yeah?

Rich Hall

With moss on it. And…

Rich Hall

[unaffected] …On the opposite side of it, it's dry, so you sit there and wait for someone to come along and ask them.

Rich Hall

[Taking off his lei.] Can I take this off? I’m getting a rash,

Stephen Fry

Okay.

Rich Hall

I’m allergic to souvenirs.