Alan Davies quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

Which was the second species of animal for humans to domesticate after the dog?

Alan Davies

A cat.

Stephen Fry

No.

Alan Davies

Prove it!

Stephen Fry

Beetle-fanciers, as you probably know, are called—

Bill Bailey

Coleopterists.

Stephen Fry

Very good! Coleopterists. I'll give you five points for that.

Alan Davies

Press him on how the hell he knows that.

Bill Bailey

Well, when I was a child, I—

Stephen Fry

In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.

Bill Bailey

Welcome to my world of knowing! The wonderful world of looking up things in books!

Stephen Fry

[discussing rainbows] In Estonia they believe that if you point at a rainbow, your finger will fall off.

Alan Davies

Oh, for God's sake.

Stephen Fry

I know.

Alan Davies

Estonians aren't stupid people, are they?

Stephen Fry

They're not.

Sean Lock

[holding up his fists] They're very stumpy, though.

Alan Davies

She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king’s chamber.

Stephen Fry

No. She was just very miffed at not being able to marry.

Sean Lock

You sound like you’re in a school play then. “She disguised herself as a man...!” You’re supposed to be an actor!

Stephen Fry

Have you never seen Jonathan Creek?

Alan Davies

Eight hundred Americans die in a McDonald's every year.

Rich Hall

Which one? Best to avoid that one.

Stephen Fry

This brings us neatly to our General Ignorance round, in which we ask Alan, is this a rhetorical question?

Alan Davies

[He thinks for a while.] No.

Stephen Fry

Quite right.

Jeremy Clarkson

I went into a brothel on Saturday.

Stephen Fry

You heard it here first, folks.

Jeremy Clarkson

It's exactly like a motorway service station lavatory.

Alan Davies

Bet that was a welcome break.

Stephen Fry

I don’t know, it’s like occupational therapy in an old people’s home. Oh, hello, what have you got here?

Jimmy Carr

[Reading his board.] ‘Put smarties tubes on cats legs make them walk like a robot’.

Stephen Fry

Brilliant. That is absolutely wonderful. He’s used all his letters.

Alan Davies

That is unbe-fucking-lievable. It makes sense. They would walk like a robot. It’s an idea. It’s like giving people an idea.

Bill Bailey

It puts this completely to shame. [He holds his board up. It says, ‘gay elf romp’.]

Alan Davies

I can’t even imagine how you managed to do that!

Stephen Fry

No, I’m sure you can’t, Alan.

Jimmy Carr

It does work, actually. It’s a lovely way to spend an afternoon.

Stephen Fry

How many moons does the earth have?

Alan Davies

Two.

Stephen Fry

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Alan Davies

We did this last series!

Stephen Fry

Yes, but Alan, that was last year. There have been three more discovered.

Alan Davies

Oh, shut up!

Stephen Fry

Do you know what "biscuit" means? What its derivation is? "Bis", meaning…

Alan Davies

Eat, chew, bit …

Stephen Fry

… twice …

Alan Davies

… bite …

Stephen Fry

… twice …

Alan Davies

… bite, sweet, hard, coffee cup.

Stephen Fry

…twice. [laughs] "Sweet, hard, coffee cup"?

Alan Davies

Cup. Coffee cup accompaniment.

Alan Davies

See what happens on this show, Dara, is he (gestures to Stephen) thinks I'm an idiot.

Dara Ó Briain

Yeah, well you think my name is an anagram of diarrhoea, so... I’m really on their side at the moment.

Stephen Fry

Honeybees have evolved a complex language to tell each other where the best nectar is, using the sun as a reference point. Amazingly, they can also do this on overcast days and at night by calculating the position of the sun on the other side of the world. This means they can actually learn and store information despite the—

Alan Davies

Has it occurred to you that they may not be using the sun? That whoever has worked that out is wrong? He's now said, "Even if you can't see it or it's on the other side of the world, they still use it." And these bees are thinking, "No, we don't! We just remember where we live!" Why is it so remarkable that they know where they live?

Stephen Fry

… Well, because they have only 950,000 neurons, as opposed to our 10,000,000,000 neurons in our brains.

Alan Davies

But they've only got one thing to remember—where they live.

Alan Davies

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Jo Brand

No. No.

Stephen Fry

No, not that joke. Why did the mushroom go to the party, Alan?

Alan Davies

Cos he was a fun gi. [The audience groans.] What’s wrong with that joke, then?

Jo Brand

That’s a joke for, like, an imbecile. You know, like nought point seven years old.

Alan Davies

What's brown and sticky?

Jo Brand

Oh, no... I don't kn— yeah, I do...

Alan Davies

A stick.

Jo Brand

Yeah... [Exasperatedly puts her head down.]

Stephen Fry

I'm worried by the audience reaction...

Alan Davies

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

Jo Brand

A stick.

Alan Davies

A stick.

Stephen Fry

Do you have any other jokes where the punchline's "a stick"?

Alan Davies

Loads!

Stephen Fry

Oh, right.

Alan Davies

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?... A carrot.

Stephen Fry

What's red and silly?... A blood clot. [The audience groans, Alan grimaces] Oh, don’t look at me like that, you fucking pig-eyed sack of shit! Don't you do that!

Alan Davies

You've spoiled it. What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry.

Rich Hall

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

Stephen Fry

If I've got a mothball in this hand and a mothball in that hand, what have I got?

Alan Davies

Two mothballs?

Stephen Fry

No, a rather excited moth.

Stephen Fry

In Britain in 1994, you might be interested to know, there were an astonishing range of accidents reported by the, erm … [deep breath] … Trade and Industries Consumer Safety Units Home Accidents Surveillance History Report. Eight people in the UK in '94 were injured by placemats. Thirteen sustained cruet injuries. Five were wounded by dustpans. Eight suffered as a result of a breadbin accident. Five were hurt by sieves. Fourteen fell foul of a serving trolley. Seventeen were treated for injuries caused by a draught excluder. Four hundred and seventy-six people were injured while on the lavatory … there you are. Underwear hurt eleven people.

Alan Davies

How many of those people were drunk?

Stephen Fry

Well, exactly. Or how many of them were sexually experimental?