Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Do you think you're good in bed?

Jack Whitehall

No I haven't passed that test either. I failed on three majors and one minor...

Stephen Fry

Was there an emergency stop? These are the worst...

Jack Whitehall

I kept changing lanes, when I shouldn't...

David Mitchell

This genuinely reminds me so much of school. You said "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzers in", and Alan said "We're putting them all in" and I've gone along with him and now I'm frightened.

Stephen Fry

Alright! Mitchell, you made me laugh! I told you before...

Alan Davies

You're in trouble!

Stephen Fry

There's nothing funny about making people laugh. Well, maybe. This isn't how it was supposed to happen at all. [large box of tissues are put on the desk] And we all know why Alan has industrial strength tissues...

David Mitchell

The chain Argos, they call their staff Argonauts to this day.

Stephen Fry

[Surprised] Oh, do they?

David Mitchell

[deadpan] No.

Jimmy Carr

The father of history, what was he called?

Stephen Fry

Herodotus.

Jimmy Carr

Herodotus. It must have been a lot easier, when he was around. I'm not having a go at him. But less things have happened back then.

Stephen Fry

Fewer things.

Alan Davies

Common usage, common usage.

Jimmy Carr

This is so like being back at school, it's unbelievable.

Stephen Fry

These are all good answers.

Really?

Stephen Fry

Now, seeing as this is the "Lucky Losers" show, whoever gets the lowest score wins.

Danny Baker

Well done Alan! You've won already, congratulations!

Stephen Fry

Do you remember they had rather dodgy slogans? Do you remember any of them?

Alan Davies

"You will get fucked."

Jeremy Clarkson

Yeah.

Jeremy Clarkson

"Would you like to catch chlamydia?"

Stephen Fry

Both cardinally and financially. Well, it wasn't quite as on the nose as that. It was...

Jeremy Clarkson

Herpes?

Stephen Fry

..."Beaver Espania" was one.

Alan Davies

Oh, God!

Stephen Fry

I know. "It's not all sex, sex, sex, there's some sun and sea as well." It really puts you off.

Jeremy Clarkson

You know, there's no symptoms, when you have chlamydia. So, if someone says "how are you?" and they say, "Very well", that means, you almost certainly have it.

Stephen Fry

It's the perfect disease.

Jeremy Clarkson

It is. So I never know how anyone goes to the Doctor's with it. It would be quite interesting.

Stephen Fry

There's no warts, no weeping?

Jeremy Clarkson

No green discharge.

Stephen Fry

He has to be frank about these things.

Jeremy Clarkson

You'll wake up completely fine, go to the Doctor's, you'll have chlamydia. It's baffling and koalas all have it.

Sandi Toksvig

How do you know that?!?!

Jeremy Clarkson

Huge problem in Australia. They've all got chlamydia and they are dying.

Sandi Toksvig

I thought it was an add-on to an 18-30 Australian holiday. "If you don't get lucky, there's always the koalas."

Stephen Fry

Which good cause benefitted from Britain's first lottery?

Jeremy Clarkson

Dale Winton. Dale Winton's tanning salon.

Stephen Fry

What do newsagents sell that make people suddenly want to vote Tory?

Is it going to be the Daily Mail?

Stephen Fry

Makes me want to vote communist, actually.

Alan Davies

Do you get one for the Daily Telegraph as well?

Stephen Fry

You probably might. Yes!

Stephen Fry

This is a very odd thing, that newsagents sell...

Alan Davies

What about The Sun?

Stephen Fry

[to Alan] You're on fire!

Stephen Fry

Perhaps even more depressing, is that American therapists have a name for the syndrome, which "sudden wealth syndrome" [starts sniggering]. Which is presumably something they suffer from whenever they name a syndrome. They make money by deciding you have a syndrome.

Sandi Toksvig

That's a really boring name for it though.

Stephen Fry

You'd think so, yeah. But these are the same people who say, if you lose someone you love: they die, and you are still...

Danny Baker

Whoa! Wow! Wow, that was so huge.

Sandi Toksvig

That was so impressive.

Danny Baker

That was enormous!

Stephen Fry

The day had to happen.

Jeremy Clarkson

I mean, that was an explosion!

Danny Baker

That's extraordinary!

Stephen Fry

Are you alright?

Jeremy Clarkson

There are people now in California, looking at their seismographs, going "Jesus Christ! What was THAT?!?!"

Danny Baker

What a thing!

Stephen Fry

Is it because I said the word 'die'? Da! Don't do it again...

Alan Davies

So sorry for interrupting.

Danny Baker

Where you plagued at school by people who: "Turkish Delight"?

Stephen Fry

Oh yeah. "Turkish delight, don't like it, keeps you up at night." No it doesn't!

Danny Baker

Have you tried "Dan Dan, the lavatory man, washed his hair with a frying pan, combed his hair with a leg of a chair, Dan Dan?" Or Danny Boy. There are certain songs that curse you through your life, if you have certain names.

Stephen Fry

Yeah.

Jeremy Clarkson

All I got was, "What sort of a fucking name is Jeremy "?

Stephen Fry

Could you beat a T-Rex at arm wrestling?

Jeremy Clarkson

Yes, easily.

Stephen Fry

"Yes, easily?"

Jeremy Clarkson

Finally got one.

Stephen Fry

Well done.

Stephen Fry

Oh, even the word "easily"!

Jeremy Clarkson

Either those are the fastest typers in the world, or I was bang on.

Stephen Fry

Now, a question especially for Alan to lose points with in this lucky losers show. Which mammal has the most cells in its body?

Alan Davies

Blue whale.

Stephen Fry

It does. And you get a lot of points for that. It’s the blue whale bonus and you get points. And what do points mean? Bad surprises.

Alan Davies

What?

Stephen Fry

Which day is added to a leap year?

Alan Davies

February the 29th.

Stephen Fry

Ah, well done, absolutely.

Alan Davies

Right. Well it is. I’m standing my ground on this one.

Stephen Fry

What is it about them that is so endearing?

Phill Jupitus

They're delicious.