Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Lassiter

Don't you try and trivialize police work.

Shawn

I think you're doing a bang-up job of that all by yourself.

Lassiter

You have a criminal record.

Shawn

I was 18.

Lassiter

Oh, 18? Well that makes it okay, let me just scratch this out.

Gus

You're dating a murderer!

Shawn

Not exclusively.

Gus

Alright, whatever, who kidnapped him?

Shawn

Nobody.

Gus

Nobody! Excellent! Call the chief at home, tell 'em the crime is solved. Because apparently, we just imagined the whole thing!

Shawn

(kissing waitress, grabs phone)

What are you doing?

Shawn

I'm calling the police.

Any particular reason?

Shawn

I think I just solved a case.

You didn't tell me you're a cop...

Shawn

Me? Oh god, no. Wait! Does that disappoint you?

No, I just thought you might have handcuffs...

Shawn

(grins) Oh, I have handcuffs.

Shawn

This is a great plan! Camden McCallum deserves to be commended.

Gus

Maybe you should date him too!

Shawn

Maybe I will!

Gus

You don't smell that?

Shawn

I don't smell anything.

Gus

That's because you don't have the Super Smeller!

Shawn

Okay, you have got to stop calling your nose the Super Smeller. If you want to nickname a body part, nickname your butt, man. Call it the Tight-Bouncer or the Hexagon. Ladies are gonna dig that.Bold text

Shawn

Banana.

Can you repeat that?

Shawn

Yes. Ba-NA-na.

Gus

[whispering] Banana, Shawn? It's the third round.

Shawn

[whispering] You could have helped me.

Gus

[whispering] This is a dead end, Shawn. We're leaving.

Definition, please.

Shawn

[to himself] What...?

Shawn

[into the microphone] A yellow fruit. Also, a kind of pudding. A delicious pudding.

Sentence, please.

Shawn

Anna Banana would like to hear "Venus" by Bananarama. Banana!

B-A-N-A-N-A. Banana.

Shawn

Onion.

Gus

[shocked] Onion?!

Onion?

[To another judge] Onion? Even Dan Quayle could spell that!

Shawn

Mitchum.

[confused] Mitchum?

Shawn

Yes, when I go to Albertsons, I need to buy some Mitchum Ice Blast... and Bananas!

Gus

So now I have a cat?

Shawn

An orange tabby. Last year you made her a tiny Santa hat, it was adorable.

Gus

Fantastic, now I can't even have an imaginary boy cat.

Shawn

Gus, a boy cat wouldn't serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.

Gus

Pickles?

Shawn

Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though I'm not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.

Gus

Yeah? Well, in a related issue, I'm blocking your number on all the phones in the office.

Gus

I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze!

Shawn

What, you mean like an impersonator?

Gus

No, I think it was actually Patrick Swayze!

Shawn

Here, let me read your palm.

Juliet

How about just one finger?

Shawn

You know, if this is some sort of hazing ritual and we're gonna end up naked in a field, I'll need to arrange for a ride first.

Lassiter

Spencer, if I see you anywhere near this case, I'll throw every book I can find at you.

Shawn

Oh yeah? And what if you find the Bible? Are you gonna throw that too? Seems a little sacrilegious to me don't you think?

Gus

I just got a lap dance from Patrick Swayze!

Shawn

Gus, it was probably some sort of interpretive...

Gus

No, I think it was actually Patrick Swayze!