Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Shawn

I'm not a mind reader.

Gus

No, that's just what you tell everybody.

Shawn

Yes, I can feel her all right. She's over by the W's.

Why?

Shawn

No. W.

Gus

How do you just eat when there's a dead guy laying there?

Shawn

What, is that rude? Am I supposed to share?

Shawn

The cat is not my new partner, Gus; don't be ridiculous.

Gus

Then tell me again why the cat gets to ride shotgun?

Shawn

Let me tell you something. This cat here is a gift, a conduit for us to save lives. And he has more integrity in his furry little hand...

Gus

Paw.

Shawn

Paw. Than most people have in their whole appendages... Appendages?

Gus

What?

Shawn

All of. Than most people have in all of their appendages... combined.

There is a Lt. Crunch here to see you.

Gus

Crunch?

Shawn

Actually I've been promoted. It's Captain Crunch.

Shawn

And by the way, Dad, my birthday wasn't yesterday. It was...four months ago!

Henry

Yeah, well, after you were born it took you four months to smile at me. That's when the clock started tickin'.

Shawn

Oh relax, I did some checking on Nelson Poe, nobody liked him, ever! And second of all...

Gus

What?

Shawn

Dude, I don't have a "second of all"!

Shawn

Good morning, detectives! Are we collecting donations for the policeman's ball?

Lassiter

We don't have balls.

Shawn

I honestly have no response to that.

Lassiter

Need I remind you, Mr. Spencer, what happens when you interfere with a police investigation?

Shawn

Uhh... the case gets solved?

Gus

When I asked her her name, Shawn, she said, "My name--"

Shawn

"My name is Wilting Flower, I died without knowing love. Will you be my friend?"

Gus

H-how did you know that? I never told that to anyone before!

Shawn

I was Wilting Flower! Gus! I can't believe you fell for that!

He was drunk and pretended that she had him confused with someone else. He said his name was--get this--Martin Brody.

Shawn

Martin Brody? [Pause] Roy Scheider's character from Jaws?

Yes. How did you know?

Shawn

...I've seen Jaws.

Gus

Don't touch that, it's blood.

Shawn

It's not blood.

Gus

Enjoy your hepatitis.

Gus

I have to get back to work.

Shawn

Gus? The plot is thickening!

Gus

Shawn, I've already missed two days this week.

Shawn

Oh, fine, fine, fine. I respect your wishes. Jerk chicken.

Gus

You know that's right.

Shawn

There he is.

Gus

What time is it?

Shawn

Day time.

Gus

What happened?

Shawn

Uh... I might have dropped six allergy pills in your Frosty while you were peeing.

Juliet

You're not hired. I can't pay you. If it turns out there's something to it, I'll make sure you get put on the case. That's all I can do.

Shawn

Juliet, I'm quite sure we could work out some kind of services exchange. You see I like to do some sketching myself and sometimes I need a model.

Juliet

Huh! [gets up and walks from the room]

Shawn

Was that inappropriate? ...Felt ok.

Shawn

This place is trashed.

Gus

Maybe Johnny Depp stopped by.

Shawn

I'm sorry, did that joke just arrive in a time machine from 1992?