Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Shawn

Independent contractor, does that mean she was a...

Gus

A hit woman? Yes.

Shawn

So I probably shouldn't...

Gus

Yes, don't even think about it.

Shawn

My name is Shawn Spencer. This is my partner--

Burton Guster! Or should I say "Gee Buttersnaps" or "Lavender Goons" or "Clementine Woolysocks" perhaps?

Shawn

Wow! You are a fan!

Gus

Or a crazy stalker. "Gee Buttersnaps" was said on a secure military base with no one else around.

Gus

If it's any consolation all of his ideas stank.

Shawn

Stunk.

Gus

Stank!

Shawn

Stinkaded?

Gus

I want you to call me "Guts".

Shawn

We all call you that.

Gus

No, Guts, Shawn.

Shawn

What? What are you saying?

Gus

Guts.

Shawn

You're saying "guts"?

Gus

Yes.

Shawn

That's too close to "Gus".

Gus

Never mind; call me "Old Ironside".

Shawn

Michael Ironside?

Gus

Old Iron Stomach, that's me.

Gus

I've seen it all.

Shawn

You've seen it all though the cracks in your fingers while you were hiding your eyes.

Shawn

I believe it's uh, it is a harem of seals.

Haaaaaah, I've heard it both ways!

I wanted to be heroic.

Shawn

Oh, Mary, with a flare gun?

Don't leave, Shawn. You will regret it.

Shawn

Good luck with the creepy arm grab awards this year, Mary; I think you've got a real shot at winning.

Shawn

We're here to ask you one simple question.

Yang

The answer is yes, Shawn, they do allow conjugal visits, but I think we'd have to get married first.

I'm a fully ordained minister.

Gus

That's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.

Shawn

My results speak for themselves; you just hold me to a different standard!

Henry

I do not!

Shawn

You buried my Easter eggs five feet underground.

Henry

And I left loose dirt to indicate a fresh dig.

Shawn

Yeah, under a camouflage tarp covered in bricks and broken glass!

Henry

That was the giveaway! Pardon me for trying to challenge you!

Shawn

It took me three weeks to "close the egg investigation". I was eight!

Henry

Yeah, well, just so you know, there are still two eggs you haven't found.

Shawn

You're sick!

Lassiter

You are free to believe what you want.

Shawn

Please don't say that to Gus. Now he'll just tell you that Michael Jackson isn't dead.

Gus

He learned how to fake his death from Lisa Marie.

Shawn

Which implies that Elvis is still alive.

Gus

Elvis died two years ago. Is there no end to your gullibility? I told you that two years ago. He was a cashier in the shoe shop, Shawn.

Gus

We need information on counterfeiting Hong Kong coins.

Shawn

And Chinese mafia.

Gus

And we need you to explain the ending of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to us.

Ken

What? What, you think that 'cause I'm Asian, I'm supposed to know all this stuff? That's borderline racist, man.

Shawn

Racist? No, I don't think so. Inappropriate?

Gus

Yes.

Shawn

Insulting?

Gus

Sure.

Shawn

Stereotyping?

Gus

Sure.

Shawn

Not racist.

Gus

Maybe a little racist.

Shawn

Gus, please. Now, Ken? How many Triads do you know, and/or are you one of them?

Ken

Wow.

Gus

Okay, that definitely crossed the line.

Shawn

Just tell us what you know and we will get out of your parents' house.

Shawn

Holy crap, are you checking your email?

Gus

I get productive when I'm nervous.

Juliet

What now, guys?

Shawn

You know Romeo and Juliet, right? DiCaprio and Danes?

Juliet

It's a play, too.

Shawn

Sure it is. What if I said Becky Chang got mixed up with the Triads - the Golden ones - and fell in love with a Dragon. She didn't get kidnapped; she's out there making kissyface with her guypal.

Gus

New rule. From now on, any cover story or fake I.D. must be run past me and approved...

Shawn

Approved.

Gus

...In writing, three days in advance.

Shawn

Gus, you're kidding, right?

Gus

No, Shawn; I need the proper amount of time to concoct my alter ego that best complements yours in a situation.

Shawn

I don't know where I'm going to be living in three days.

Gus

That's the deal, Shawn. Take it or leave it.

Shawn

[introducing Gus to a stranger] So, he is a pharmaceutical salesman who moonlights at his psychic detective agency. And once, at camp, he wet his pants.

Gus

Spilled water on my pants

Shawn

I'm sorry but if this was Saturday I would have a much better cover story