Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Juliet

I don't ask questions I don't want to know the answers to.

Shawn

Then never ask your boyfriend if he thinks your sister's hot.

Juliet

I don't have a sister.

Shawn

How about a boyfriend?

Shawn

Dude. Some guy in a wolf costume with a light saber just said hi to you.

Gus

[evasive] I don't know that guy.

Shawn

He looked right at you.

Gus

He was mistaken.

Shawn

He said, 'Hi, Gus.' And then, another dude with a cape and a codpiece gave you a half-nod.

Shawn

Wait, was this the movie you dragged me to where the hero had big nipples on the outside of his costume?

[quietly] Damn those nipples!

Shawn

[chuckles] They were like big, angry marshmallows!

Gus

Let me get this straight. You pulled me out of work to investigate a case, which is not a case, in which we probably won't get paid?

Shawn

Who are you kidding? I pulled you out of a Starbucks where you were pretending to finish your route you actually finished yesterday, so we could do a small favor for Juliet, that will grant us much larger favors in the future! Preferably ones that can't be mentioned in the presence of nuns or men of God.

Gus

What are you doing? We don't know anything about delivering warthog babies.

Shawn

Ah, babies are babies. You just pull it out at the right time. The real question is, are you allergic to placenta?

Gus

Oh God, my eyes!

Shawn

Captain Conners, how are you sir?

[He has memory problems] Look at you fellas, all grown up. How long's it been?

Shawn

About a day.

Gus

Less, actually.

Shawn

Simba, I am your father.

Gus

I don't think Mufasa has ever said that

Shawn

Mufasa, Vader, I'm Not Rappaport, it's all James Earl Jones.

Shawn

Hello Ladies and Gentleman, [dramatic music] I will be your narrator. My name is Aurora... Borealis! There are over four... hundred stars in our galaxy, maybe more. No one knows for sure. Many have said the universe is even larger than the Indian ocean, that is why it is called Infinitum Staroctopussium. [constellations come up] Ah yes, our glorious constellations, take a look. Over here we have... one with a guy... holding some sort of... thing. Over here, our beloved Olympic rings, all seven of them. And here, here's one with a fish.

You gotta name them.

Shawn

Notice straight, straight above you, the Hammer of Jeff. And over there to the south--

North.

Shawn

--North, you will see Monkey with Rash. The Egyptians used to set their clocks by it. [comet crosses the sky] Oh look, there goes an asteroid.

Comet.

Shawn

Comet. It's what they named that cleaning solution after. I know it may stink if you leave it in the sink, but boy, oh boy, does it clean.

Lassiter

There is something I've got to get off my chest.

Shawn

Is it your shirt? Please say no.

Lassiter

Can I tell you a secret?

Shawn

I wouldn't recommend it, no.

Shawn

You OK?

Lassiter

Alright, I'll bite. What's the joke?

Shawn

Just want to make sure you got home alright last night.

Lassiter

From what?

Shawn

From the bar.

Lassiter

What bar?

Juliet

You were at a bar?

Lassiter

No, I wasn't at a bar! I don't drink.

Juliet

You don't drink?

Lassiter

Well, a bit of wine at weddings. An occasional snifter of brandy. Maybe a good single-malt scotch.

Gus

Sounds like drinking to me.

Lassiter

Spencer, why don't you stop making up stories, OK, that are obviously bogus?

Shawn

OK, so you were not at Tom Blair's Pub last night?

Lassiter

I don't even know who Tom Blair is.

Shawn

Mmmhmm. And how'd you get that sweet, uh, bruise on your forehead?

Lassiter

I had an altercation.

Shawn

Yes. With a table.

Gus

And while you were out drinking last night and taking on free cases, I was up half the night dreaming about whether gelcaps are more effective than the tablets.

Shawn

First of all, tablets. Always tablets, that's a given. Secondly, I've been having this re-occurring dream where I'm flying over Auckland on the back of a swan made primarily of cocoa. His name is Clem. But, your dream is pretty interesting, too.

This is a speed dating first! [to Shawn and Juliet] You and you are a 100 percent match from your personality questionnaires. I smell love!

Juliet

I need a drink.

Shawn

I gotta pee.

Shawn

What is that?

Henry

What?

Shawn

Exfoliating scrub, with pumice!

Henry

Whatever, Shawn. All I know is when I varnish my boat and I don't want it to streak, I sand off a layer first. Same thing goes with tanning.

Shawn

That is the single most disturbing analogy I've ever heard in my entire life.

Juliet

I had no idea you were so serious about bowling.

Shawn

Quite serious, quite serious. Matter of fact, LEGO wants to sponsor me this year.

Juliet

Oh my, that's great.

Shawn

They also want me to wear shoes made out of LEGOs, so I'm torn.