Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

My firm doesn't really believe in…

Shawn

Winning?

No.

Shawn

Mermaids?

No.

Shawn

The Minotaur?

Me.

Gus

Don't you watch the news?

Shawn

I can't watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It's like every newscast begins with a lie.

Gus

Look! They call her the "School Marm Murderer."

Shawn

OK, first of all, there's a question-mark at the end of that. They call her the "School Marm MURDERER?" Even the news people aren't convinced. And today at the courthouse, in the middle of the conversation, I saw her bend over, and picked up a piece of trash!

Gus

Oh I see, so she picked up somebody's Kit-Kat wrap-up means she didn't kill anybody? That makes sense.

Gus

Wait a second! This is my Airwolf windbreaker! I've been looking for this for like five years now! Why did you take this? I never even saw you wear it.

Shawn

Of course I didn't wear it. I took it so you wouldn't. Don't put it on. Gus, nobody had an Airwolf jacket except Jan-Michael Vincent!

Shawn

We find the mystery lover, we find her.

Gus

Dude. Why don't I ever get to say things like that?

Gus

I need face time with my boss; I already missed the pamper pole trust exercise.

Shawn

I'm uncomfortable with you even saying the words "pamper pole."

Shawn

Right, I'd never seen a girl lie about entering the witness protection program.

Gus

She wasn't lying, Shawn.

Shawn

Gus, I saw her at Starbucks.

Gus

You can't be sure of that.

Shawn

She was wearing a name tag, she had a plaque on the wall. Employee of the Month. Her hobbies were hiding, and lying about hiding.

Lassiter

Scratch that, I'm gonna let you guys stick around and see what real detectives do.

Shawn

Sweet. Just let us know when they arrive.

Henry

What about your license?

Shawn

Oh, you mean my pilot's license? That's out back in the Cessna. Or perhaps you're refering to my license to kill. Revoked. Trouble at the Kazakhstan border. I could give you the details but then I'd have to kill you, which I can't do because my license to kill has been revoked.

I screwed up on my own, I'm going to face him on my own.

Shawn

That's very Cameron Frye of you.

Cameron who?

Shawn

Wow, are we that much older than you?

Shawn

I see a man... He's driving your car... You don't know him... He's a valet, at a mall! Wait, I see a shoe store, your father's gold card, a Jamba Juice may have been involved.

Oh, my God, I totally went shopping today! And I passed a Jamba on State Street! You are amazing.

Ok, here goes. This is so scary. I was lying in bed watching "One Tree Hill," my favorite show. Chad Michael Murray is so hot. And I had this cute little kitty alarm clock, it meows and blinks its eyes every half hour. So, all of a sudden, they just start blinking over and over and over, and then, it just stopped! And then, it let out this half meow: Mmmmraaa--! And then its tail fell off, and then... it exploded!

Shawn

Wow. Uhhh, slow build. Uhh, half meow? Unexpected. Didn't see the end coming at all. How 'bout you, Gus?

Gus

Uh, what? No, I can't say that I did. (Gus is flirting with the other members of the sorioty.)

Gus

Dude, we actually started an urban legend!

Shawn

That's dope! [they bump fists]

Lassiter

You missed something. We found prints.

Shawn

Was he in a little red corvette?

Gus

Under a cherry moon?

Lassiter

FINGER-prints!

Nigel St. Nigel

[arriving at Henry's house] Good Lord! Who lives here, the Boringtons?

Shawn

There's a better than decent chance this goes poorly.