Pim quotes from Phil of the Future

Pim

Hey, Debbie. I jumped a couple of those gongs, but don't worry, I'll nail it tomorrow night at the concert. Who knew a hobby could be so much fun? Down the road, Farmer.

Debbie

Um, to spare Pim some embarrassment, I think she should miss the concert tomorrow night. She'll thank us later.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer

Brilliant.

Debbie

Good luck telling her.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer

Pim...Can I speak to you?

Pim

Don't worry. I practiced my gongs all night. My dad said I sounded great right before he left to get a motel room.

Bradley Benjamin Farmer

Pim, there's no easy way to say this. I rewrote the piece, and we won't be needing your help tonight.

Pim

You took out my gongs?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer

Yes.

Pim

Did Debbie Berwick put you up to this?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer

No.

Pim

Bradley Benjamin Farmer, look me in the eye. Was this Berwick's idea?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer

She...She may have...Suggested it.

Pim

Well, hey, these things happen. Can I see you in this...Dark, dusty closet for a quick sec?

Bradley Benjamin Farmer

But why?

Debbie

Thank you. Thank you. You're too kind. Thank you. Pim, what are you doing here?

Pim

Bradley had an emergency. He ran out of hair gel. Asked me to fill in. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. This first piece I will conduct was written a long time ago by a dead guy. I hope you enjoy it.

Debbie

(Singing) Give my regards to broadway remember me to herald square.

Debbie

(Singing) Tell all the gang at 42nd street that I will soon be there.

Debbie

(Singing) Whisper of how I'm yearning to mingle with the old-time throng.

Debbie

(Singing) Give my regards to old broadway and say that I'll be there I'll be there I'll be there e'er long. (Holding Last Note)

Debbie

(Still Holding Last Note) Thank you.

Pim

How could this happen? They love you.

Debbie

Because you challenged me. You took my singing to a whole new height! Thank you.

Barbara

Phil, you're going to be in something called the ninth grade and Pim, you're going to be in something called the seventh grade.

Pim

I want to be in ninth grade.

Barbara

Honey, they go by age here.

Pim

All right. I'll start in your "seventh grade." Then, I'll make my slow, but steady, rise to power. In a month, I'll be in 50th grade!

Phil

Pim, I'm using it first.

Pim

Why?

Phil

Because i'm older i'm smarter...And taller.

Pim

Phil, you may be taller, but there's always gonna be one thing i have over you.

Phil

Yeah? What's that, a serious anger issue?

Pim

I can hold a grudge forever.

Phil

Oh, really?

Pim

Yes, remember the time you ate the last butterscotch pudding cup?

Phil

No.

Pim

Well, you did. I was 4 1/2. It was tuesday, 6:35. You were wearing blue--

Phil

Pim, I didn't eat your pudding cup. I put it in your shampoo.

Pim

Berwick! Let me guess what's going on here. Hot coffee, sports section, standing outside Mr. Hackett's office...You're either a: Loopy, B: The world's biggest, kiss-up, or C: A combo platter.

Debbie

Pim, I do this for all my teachers. In fact, would you like to run up a pastry to Miss Soletti's office?

Pim

Uh, no.

Mr. Hackett

I know it's expensive, but i have to have the operation.

Debbie

Eavesdropping is wrong for 7 reasons, and i'll explain why. First--

Pim

(Hushed Voice) Debbie, shush!

Mr. Hackett

Well, if i don't have the operation, my life will be worthless. Just a big zilch-o.

Debbie

Oh, my gosh! Pim, Mr. Hackett is sick and needs an operation. You know what this calls for? A fund-raiser!

Pim

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Every time someone needs help, you're all "I'll help you," and i'm all "Get over it," and you're all, "To the fund-raising mobile!"

Debbie

Okay, Pim. That's okay. Fund-raising isn't for everybody.

Pim

What is she saying? That i can't fund-raise? Well, it's on, Berwick!

Debbie

What's on?

Pim

Stop that.

Mr. Hackett

The only procedure i can afford is the 106. Yeah, that's not a hair replacement system. That's a toilet seat cover parted down the middle. No, no, no...I want it. Yeah, okay. Uh, I will still attract big norwegian women, like the guy on the cover, right? Oh, Maurice, you hound dog!

Keely

Phil, you know what this is?

Phil

It's a flute.

Keely

No, it's a musical spit catcher.

Phil

Nice.

Keely

Phil, that can't be healthy.

Phil

Here. Re-hydrate.

Keely

I don't know why i thought i could play the flute. You ever play an instrument?

Phil

Yeah, phyble.

Keely

Did you blow in it? Are there strings? Did you hit it?

Phil

Exactly. All those things.

Keely

So, I tried to call you last night to talk about the field trip.

Phil

Oh...Yeah. I was out riding my bike.

Keely

Really? Your mom said you went for a walk.

Phil

Yeah, I did. Well, see, I took a bike ride, but then i got a flat tire, so i had to walk the bike back. Oh, technically, I guess it was really a walk. So, anyway, about the field trip. Where are we going?

Keely

Mm! To the pickford tomato ranch. You didn't know pickford was the ketchup capital of the world, did you?

Phil

That's why there's that giant squeeze bottle in town square.

Keely

I know it sounds lame, but it's actually kind of cool. At the end of the tour, everybody gets into the stomping tub and stomps tomatoes. Anyway, it's all squishy and messy and barefoot.

Phil

Barefoot? As in...Barefoot?

Keely

Yeah, what's the matter?

Phil

Oh...I can't!

Keely

Can't what?

Phil

Go to pickford ranch because i'm allergic to tomatoes, see? If one even touches my body, I get all weird and twitchy. Just like that. (Exhales)

Keely

You're about to eat ketchup right now.

Pim

I am? Oh.

Lloyd

So you really want to go to this pickford ranch?

Phil

Yeah, I do. You know, every time i start to feel like a normal kid from a normal family, something gets in the way...Like this.

Barbara

Sweetie, if you're concerned that your feet smell, just do what your dad does.

Lloyd

1/2 hour in a vinegar soak, then dust 'em with cornmeal.

Phil

No, it's not the smell, mom. I'm talking about how people in this century have 5 toes. I have 4.

Lloyd

Ha ha! That's right!

Barbara

Oh, that's right. They won't lose their pinky toe for 75 years.

Lloyd

How do they walk with all those--

Barbara

(Silly Voice) Hello, I am a useless pinky toe. Someday, you will be born without me.

Phil

Come on, guys, i'm serious.

Pim

Okay, family, I don't have much time for chit chat. I need donations. Watches, necklaces, belt buckles, gold fillings. Don't be stingy. It's for a good cause. Thank you. Your donations are appreciated. I'm touched. Et cetera, et cetera.

Lloyd

Son, if you really want to go on this field trip, i'm gonna find a way to get you there.

Phil

Really?

Barbara

Lloyd...What are you gonna do, build him a falsie?

Lloyd

Yes.

Pim

Psst! Yeah, you. What's your name?

Jorge.

Pim

Jorge, what would you say if i could put you in a big, fancy belt buckle? Don't answer. Just step into my jacket. Or...Would you like a gold locket? You like lockets?

No, thanks.

Pim

Jorge, did i mention it's for a teacher getting a nasty operation? None of the money goes to me.

Really?

Pim

Well, I did buy myself a prime rib sandwich at lunch, but that's on the down low. You know what i'm sayin'? Huh?

I have to be somewhere else now.

Pim

Yeah, right. Hey, you with the face, come here!

Debbie

Fun baskets, $5.00. Get your fun baskets! $5.00. It's for a really good cause. Oh, hi, Morton. Let me tell you a little bit about today's fund-raiser. I'm raising money for a teacher who's very, very sick. (Whispering) He doesn't look good. Thank you, Morton. You're good people.

Thanks, Debbie.

Debbie

Fun baskets. (Gasps) Hi, Pim. My baskets are really moving. How much have you raised?

Pim

Squat. Leave me alone.

Oh.

Pim

Oh, and right during the biggest test of the semester! Luckily i have a sweet number 2 for sale. Let's call it 6 bucks even.

(Sighs)

Debbie

Mr. Hackett, i'm going to say this quick, otherwise i'm going to start crying.

Pim

Here we go with the tears.

Debbie

(Quietly) Thank you. We want you to have this money. It's $110.

Pim

My jar is $115.

Mr. Hackett

So...This is wonderful. Thank you. Why on earth would you be doing this?

Pim

Cut the hero act. We know about the operation.

Mr. Hackett

You do?

Debbie

Yes. And we want you to be brave and know that we support you.

Mr. Hackett

I can see that.

Debbie

Are you scared?

Mr. Hackett

A little. Thank you. I love public service.

Mr. Hackett

I'm telling you, Maurice. I am loved here. The students are standing in line to hand me jars of money. Which is, of course, what allowed me to upgrade to the 211.

Debbie

Excuse us, Mr. Hackett, but we wanted to wish you good luck on--what is growing out of your head?

Pim

Wait a minute. That's your operation? I busted my hump so you could get a wig?!

Mr. Hackett

It's not a wig. It's the lorenzo lamas.

Debbie

Uh, no disrespect, Mr. Hackett, but i'm going to have to give my money to a needier charity.

Pim

Yeah, ditto. I'm giving mine to the Pim Diffy needs a high-definition TV foundation. You disgust me.

Mr. Hackett

Hey, wait a minute. How am i supposed to pay for this? I mean, Maurice, I can pay for this. Just, you know, maybe not all at once. What are you doing? Don't get quiet on me, Maurice. Don't leave! Maurice? I'm only 1/2 a lamas.

Pim

I got it! I got it! Whoo! Whoo! Hey, Berwick. I'm still not seeing how playing catch with yourself is an olympic sport.

Debbie

Nana says...That if setting the table was in the olympics, i'd take the gold. Yay! Twistie, twist...

Pim

Diffy goes back...

Debbie

Finished!

Pim

To the wall!

Debbie

Pim!

Pim

Whoa! Aah!

Debbie

Pim! Oh, cloudy skies! I hurt my pimsy!

Pim

Nope. i'm good.

Debbie

Swell, 'cause if you were hurt, you'd have to miss the rest of gym class!

Pim

Nope! I'm damaged! Girl down! Girl down!