Jez quotes from Peep Show

Mark

Dobby mustn't see Gerrard. He's gone over the edge of reason. Get rid of him!

Aye aye, captain.

Gayle. Great you could make it.

Hi Jez.

(You're about to get dumped. Have a lager.)

Thanks!

(Come on in to your emotional torture pit.)

Mark

Hold on. I didn't think we had any milk.

Er... no, we do.

Mark

No, we definitely don't, cos I couldn't have any Sultana Bran this morning. There's no milk in the fridge, except... oh!

Mark, relax.

Mark

This is Sophie's milk, isn't it?

Think of it as lady milk, from the human cow.

Mark

Jeremy, this... it's... it's one step away from cannibalism!

Oh, right, so it's weird to drink milk from someone you know, but to drink milk from another species, some cow you've never met, that's fine, is it?

Mark

Yes! Yes, it bloody well is!

Well, suit yourself. Mmm, luxury milk!

Sorry to interrupt you playing, boys.

Mark

We're not, we're just arranging our models. With some noises.

Enjoy playing with soldiers and wanking over Dobby on Facebook.

Mark

For God's sake, Jeremy. That's disgusting.

Did you ever actually, er...?

Mark

Well, you know, on occasion.

Corfu '06?

It's cool, man. I mean, I've never actually gone that far myself. But everything's cool in Dobby Club.

Mark

(Ugh, we're the Dobby Club. Or the Dobby Ring. Can two people be a ring?)

Zara says we have only one thing to fear, and that's fear itself... it's a clever saying, isn't it?

Mark

And what about losing all your money? Or shitting yourself in public? Or the tabloid press mistakingly outing you as a paedo? Or Alzheimer's? Or all of those things plus you're drowning?

Christ, Mark. You really need to grow a pair.

Mark

Of testicles?

Yes.

Mark

You want me to grow a pair of testicles so I'd have four testicles and somehow that'll help make me braver and better to deal with stress? Staggering around like a baboon with four balls hanging down?

We thought we'd let you start, as its you place.

(We're letting you castrate yourself, as its your penknife.)

Mark

I'm just off to Dobby's, and I don't think I'll be needing to be friends with Kenneth anymore.

OK. Do you think Kenneth might have been made redundant?

Mark

Indeed, I think Kenneth can take a hike.

Kenneth is what Mark calls his nine-inch dildo.

We need to relax.

Mark

You can't relax! We've got to fight, worry, speculate, tut, pace, swear!

Why?

Mark

Because it's an emergency, and in an emergency you watch breaking news and count your tins of butter beans, you don't sit in the garden and put on Kiss FM!

Dude, we're here for the duration. Let's chill out.

Mark

We have an obligation to be anxious, it's a mark of respect for the gravity of the situation!

Mark

Right, what's Sophie's mobile number? 07700, that's definitely how it starts...

You can do it, Rain Man.

Mark

07700... 900563? I think that's right. It's ringing, it's ringing! Hello?

Mark

It's not her, it was a man.

Try again. Try all the variations.

Mark

Try all the variations of the five or six numbers I'm not sure of?

Mark

Where's the turkey, Jeremy?

What?

Mark

The turkey, where's the turkey?

I thought you were getting the turkey.

Mark

You what...? No turkey?! YOU FUCKING IDIOT, JEREMY! YOU TOTAL FUCKING IDIOT! THAT WAS YOUR JOB, YOU FUCKING MORON! YOU CRETIN! YOU'RE A FUCKHEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A FUCKING SHITHEAD!

[calmly] It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.

Mark

[quiet] O-Oh I see... oh.

Come on, man, shake your booty! Tonight even Paxman's out, hoovering up lines of crank off Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Tonight's the big one.

Mark

Jeremy, all rational people agree it's a truth self-evident that it's impossible to have a good time on New Year's Eve. The pressure's too immense.

Tonight, it's not about the bitches, it's all about the hitches!

Mark

The Hitches? You think we're Peter and Christopher Hitchens on a big night out? And I suppose I have to be Peter.

Mark

Maybe this is the kick up the arse we both need. I could turn your room into an office, finally nail Business Secrets of the Pharaohs.

Right. OK, man, yeah, good on you, because obviously we've always been amazing mates, but also a bit like lead weights dragging each other down?

Mark

Exactly. Living together, it's been like... eating a vast portion of chips, very comforting but also there's this lurking sense that you're killing yourself. Right?