Jez quotes from Peep Show

Is there any more tartare sauce?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've left it all in George Osborne's ball sack. Tell you what, why don't you nip upstairs, wank him off and dip it in that?

Maybe we should just accept defeat, resign ourselves to a bit of Jools Holland?

Not the Hootenanny! Never the Hootenanny! We're better than that. We are going to this party!

Jeff?!

Mark

I think it's okay. Or do you think there's any chance he's trying to kill all of my offspring. Like Herod.

Dobby

Oh, Jez, Mark told me about you burning the band. Are you okay?

Yeah. I'm too big to fail.

Mark

He doesn't know what that means.

I do know what that means.

Mark

(He doesn't know what that means.)

I've always got the Three 0h Walcott millions.

Mark

Jeremy's planning to sell the headline "Three Oh Walcott" to a tabloid newspaper when Theo Walcott turns thirty, and we've agreed not to argue whether that's a good plan.

It is a good plan.

Mark

I know.

Mark

What did he die of?

Dobby

Flu.

Mark

He died of flu? Hey, Jeremy, Gerrard's died of flu.

Bull-shit

Mark

Seriously.

Bloody hell, that is SO Gerrard.

Mark

I know.

Dobby

He had a weak immune system Mark.

He had a weak everything, to be fair Dobs.

(OK, Mr. Bendicks, bring it on.) Want some Curly Wurly? (Yeah. You weren't expecting that, were you?) Nothing, OK, I've heard about this. Harsh Freudian. I suppose you want me to sit here, yeah? Well, how about if I go and stand over here instead? You think you can handle that, hmm? So I suppose I can say anything in here. That's the whole idea, right? I can call you a dickhead if I want. Yeah, got a big dick for your head. (Is he going to get me sectioned? I hope he doesn't have a secret sectioning button under there.) So what do you want me to do? Pull down my pants and fertilise the plants? Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't you? Yeah, then you'd have a real patient on your hands. More mental millions for your high interest account, or ISA, or share portfolio, or to spend on your wife, or your boyfriend, chowing down on an Aberdeen Angus steak from your Volkswagen Passat. That's right, kemosabe, I've got your number. Yeah, doesn't feel very nice when the searchlight is turned on the searchlight operator. Hmm, yeah, pal? How about if I just pulled my knob out, and started wanking? Yeah? Oh, you'd love that wouldn't you? My gonads out, one ball dangling in front of each eye. That's your dream, yeah? WELL I'M NOT GOING TO!

Would you like a glass of water?

Yes, please.

Mark

Jez, will you please get your filthy hands out of my girlfriend's brain?

What?

Mark

You'd better not be about tell her to expect more out of life or follow her heart.

That is so true.

(Of course it's true. I just made it up.)

Super Hans

Uh, widely acknowledged to have nicked our sound.

The Chemical Brothers.

Super Hans

Correct. Bullshitters turning wank into cash.

Flaming Lips?

Super Hans

Correct. Oh, arsehole.

LCD Soundsystem.

Super Hans

Fakers.

Pavement.

Super Hans

Yep. Oh, we thought we had her number, and you got a bit over-excited, but it turned out to be a not very funny joke?

Lily Allen.

Super Hans

Correct. Phonies.

Foo Fighters.

Super Hans

Yeah. Oh, demanded the Ramsgate blowjob.

Mumford & Sons?

Super Hans

Mmmm.

That's your lot.

(I'm so good at this. But I bet not one person here is gonna give me a blowjob.)

I've got medical training, I've got a certificate.

Mark

I gave you the certificate. It's utterly meaningless.

In a way, aren't all so-called qualifications meaningless?

Mark

No.

Mark

Well, me and Dobby make a great team... Opposites attract!

No they don't. Not really. That's just something scientists and people in horrible relationships say.

Look, I'm really, really serious, Mark. I can't see a way out of this. I think maybe... like... like one of us should kill ourselves.

Mark

The life coach speaks!

Mark

Well why don't you go back to London, then?

Oh, so you can ask her to marry you?

Mark

That's what we agreed.

Fuck the agreement.

Mark

Oh, great, that's brilliant. Fuck the agreement. Fuck the Geneva Convention. Fuck Parliamentary democracy. Fuck everything. Is that your great new idea?

You know how weak my powers of self-control are. Normally I can't wait five minutes before having a wank or a spliff or a chocolate biscuit. I've restrained myself for nearly three hours. That's got to stand for something. I'm sorry, but I'm going to tell Dobby how I feel about her.

Look, the problem for you is I'm your friend. I know you, Mark. I know you like to pretend you're this stuffed shirt who reads incredibly boring books about dead people killing each other with bayonets and typhoid, but I know the truth. I've watched Grand Designs with you. That smile when some eco-glass gets delayed on it's way from Antwerp and the nice couple gets pushed over budget. That's the real you.

Mark

(It wasn't Antwerp, it was Freiburg.)

You're this pathetic human who likes Twirls and Downton and Bond and Burgers. So don't come the big guy with me, because it won't fucking wash!