Jez quotes from Peep Show

She's the one person for me, in the whole world.

Mark

Isn't it convenient that out of the approximately three billion adult women in the world, your one true love happens to live in the same block of flats as you, instead of in a village in Mozambique?

Why do you have to bring worry and doubt into everything? You're like some kind of mad evangelist for anxiety!

Mark

(Lots to go around old son. I'm probably a few grams lighter now.)

I wank 10, maybe 12 times a day.

12 times?

Yes. Or more. It's a disease. I have a wanking disease.

What was it Shakespeare said?

Mark

He said a lot of things, Jeremy.

He basically said something about how there are more things there than there are actual things that you can see with your eyes. That's not the exact quote.

Mark

I think we can count our friendship pretty much over from now on.

Oh, don't be a cock!

Mark

I'm not a cock, but the cock has certainly crowed... thrice.

When? What are you talking about?

Mark

It means you've betrayed me, it's the New Testament. You cock!

Mark

I don't think I wiped off that porn you recommended.

I didn't recommend it Mark. I'm not Time Out.

Mark

Yes you did - you gave it five stars!

So you'll buy tissue paper for me to wipe my sphincter, but you won't buy a bit of lube to aid the giving and receiving of pleasure?

Mark

That's right.

I'm freezing. Could you throw me a rope?

Mark

I haven’t got a rope.

What do you mean, you haven’t got a rope?

Mark

I don't own a rope! I don't own a boat, or any cattle, or any of the things that ropes are useful for. What the hell would you do with a rope, anyway?

Climb up it!

Mark

Oh, sure. Climb up it, using your strength.

Well, you could pull me up.

Mark

Yeah, I could haul you up using my muscles.

Even a dried up, dessicated old branflake on toast like you should be able to see that!

Mark

(If I’m a branflake, he’s a slutty Sugar Puff!)

Mark

Oh God, I can't believe I'm having a party!

I am so proud of you. There was everyone thinking you were just this fusty, sweater-wearing, spirit-crushing no-fly-zone with ten foot carrot up his ass.

Mark

Yeah, obviously it is only a tactical party. I'm only having a party to eventually get sex.

This is only reason anyone in recorded history has had a party Mark!

Big of you, inviting him.

Mark

I thought it would look petty and vindictive not to, and as a petty and vindictive individual I have to take extra care not to appear petty or vindictive.

Mark

I need to get Gerrard incredibly fucked. Booze, drugs, whatever.

Chemical castration; classic.

Mark

Only downside is no Dobby. If it peaks before Dobby gets here, I've wasted good party.

Maybe call her? Give her some flavour.

Mark

What, like start a message and then say "Stop it Julio. Get your own cocaine, I've got too much tit in my mouth."?

Exactly

Oh god, Elena.

Mark

....

This is not all my chickens coming home to roost, Mark, all right? Don't stand there thinking it is.

Mark

I'm not Jez. (This is all his chickens coming home to roost. It's a roost-a-thon.)

Super Hans

All right Jez.

Yeah, um, just an idea, would it be okay mate if you fucked off before I ram a wine bottle up your cock?