Jez quotes from Peep Show

What's going on?

Super Hans

Barney's locked himself in the bathroom.

What did you do to him?

Super Hans

Nothing...jesus...

He's a fucker!

Has he been sucking you off?

Super Hans

No! Of course not...

Yes.

Super Hans

Well...maybe once...

What the fuck are we going to do!?!? We don't know how to play his mu...our music. We're the frontmen! I was planning on just waving a maraca and giving the hotties my sex eyes.

I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home.

What's going on?

Super Hans

He wants to go home.

Mark

Recognise this, Jeremy?! I went to get the Cherry Garcia out to defrost and look what I found inside! [holds up a post-it note] "Look, I know what you think happened and yes you're right I have eaten all your ice cream." This is it. This is the line. You have crossed the line!

Read the mitigating circumstances. There are loads.

Mark

Toilet paper, OK. Soap, OK. But not shower gel. And no razors. If you're poor, grow a beard. Tea Bags are allowed within limits.

Limits? What Limits?

Mark

No making a pie out of tea or anything weird.

Look Mark, lay off, will you? The thing is... and, I keep meaning to tell you this, but, basically, a few years ago, mummy gave me a nest egg, and I kept on meaning to... invest, but it turns out, I've spent it.

Mark

You ate your nest egg? You're meant to sit on your nest egg 'til it hatches, not eat it like some greedy mad chicken. Well, the solution's obvious: get a job!

Yeah, fine, whatever, but it's difficult, you know? There just aren't that many media positions out there. That's the reality.

Mark

So? Do something else. Get on your bike.

I can't believe you're trying to make me get a job not in the media. You're such a bastard.

Mark

You have to pay rent, Jeremy, that needs to happen.

Mark

Put the sausage back! I'm deadly serious! Y-you never pay any rent - if you start stealing from me as well, that's it, you'll have to move out. This is the final straw!

(Mmm... Delicious Cumberland final straw, dripping in onion gravy.)

Mark

(Good old Jeremy's mum. The more sophisticated end of the mum spectrum. The sort of mum you'd buy in John Lewis.)

Mummy, coffee, fucky hurry uppy.

Mark

(Whereas he's the sort of son you'd get free with Nuts magazine.)

Did you bring those CDs like I told you?

Oh yes, they're in my handbag. Shall I fetch them?

Might be an idea. Oh, and guess what, you forgot to top-up my phone. Again.

Mark

Sorry, Jez, is there some reason why you're being so incredibly rude to your mum?

Oh, right, stick up for mummy. You don't know her, Mark. You don't know her tricks. Anyway, what's it to you? Do you want to fuck my mum, is that it? Mum, Mark wants to fuck you.

Mark

Shut up, Jeremy.

He definitely wants to fuck you, Mum.

Stop showing off to Mark, Jeremy.

Me? I'm not the one dressed like a prossy.

Mark

Please, Jez! This level of conflict may be usual for you, but it's not healthy - I'm going to have a heart attack!

Oh, and I suppose your relationship with your mum is healthy, is it? Sitting in silence watching Taggart. Thirty years of mutual resentment eating away at you.

Mark

We like Taggart. Even the new ones.

Mark

You really do have to get over this thing with your mum - you're not Hamlet. Stop being Hamlet.

Well, all right, I'll stop being Hamlet when you stop being...

Mark

(He can't think of a Shakespearean character!)

... a massive twat.

Mark

(Ha! He couldn't even think of Romeo! Romeo's easy!)

Hello Natalie, how's your dad?

Mark

Jez, don't.

Yeah, fine thank you.

Enjoying my money, is he? Is he lying in a bath of my money nude, after having sex with my mum nude?

You, my friend, are a rape victim. [...] Do you have feelings of guilt and shame, self-loathing?

Mark

You know I do - don't load the question!

Mark

It wasn't rape, alright? It was just a minor sexual assault. She didn't force anything up my bum - that's why it's not rape.

Well, it's not bum-rape, no.

Super Hans

Never said it was bum-rape, Mark.

Mark

Hey Jez!

Oh, hi Mark.

Mark

This may be the best day of my life! War with Sophie is over, and Johnson's given me a promotion! I've only got my own bloody little office.

That's great. Good for you.

Mark

(Uh-oh, the ghost at the feast, better take the mustard off.)

Mark

Well it wasn't that great. Lunch was pretty nothing-y. Baked potato...again...Are you, alright Jez?

I've just been doing alot of thinking.

Mark

(Oh shit.)

Why do I do half the stupid shit I do? I've been thinking, maybe I'm not in the one percent of people who think they're going to be famous musicians and are totally right. But, in the ninety-nine percent of talentless, misguided dickheads.

Are you angry?

Mark

You had sex with my wife, Jeremy!! That's quite a number, even for you. But then, on the other hand, I was definitely having a baby which, to be honest, wasn't really on my to do list for the year, so in a way, things are looking up.

Such a relief to tell you. It's been ever so weird ever since it happened. I've had this really bad feeling, like in my brain.

Mark

It's called guilt, Jeremy. Most people feel it quite a bit when they've done something wrong.

And...what about the...issue?

Mark

Oh, well, if Sophie continues down her path towards self destruction, we'll probably end up adopting like a couple of gay dads anyway. So there's no need to know whose it is.

Right! Who knows. Who the fuck cares!

Mark

Right. (Oh Jesus)

(Oh Jesus)

Mark

The recession is here and my new sofa is a white elephant.

[Stroking the leather] It's a creamy elephant!

Mark

Please don't call it the creamy elephant.

Mark

I thought I might do a skit with Dobbie.

Oh, I get it! The smell of the grease-paint, the swish of the curtain, the rub-job in the dressing room.

Oh and I saw the porn she was looking at! Man, it's hot! She's got great taste, it was the most fantastic porn I've ever seen.

Mark

Isn't it just the usual dead-eyed men fucking dead-eyed women in a desperate world of pain?