Parks and Recreation · Season 1
Now that you're getting divorced, I sort of feel like there may be some potential with me and Wendy. Would it be okay with you if I asked her out once the fake dust settles?
Yeah. Why not? Sure.
Looking at her, I feel like she might be the perfect spooning size for me. I'm gonna take a leak.
...
This seems like none of our business.
Be supportive, OK? Don't be all like, "No. I don't want to. I am a guy and I like fire, and playing hockey and eating meat. No, no says I."
That was a really good Ron.
Thank you.
Well, based on that skit, I know you've heard about the new scandal that's about to break. Who told you? Was it the babysitter? Was it the nurse who delivered our love child?
What?
Stop playing dumb. You know damn well what happened. I got the babysitter pregnant. And when she was in the delivery room I had sex with not one, but four nurses in a supply closet...as well as a woman whose husband was getting a liver transplant. Hmm...Now which one of them told you? Was it the liver lady?
Wh...I...No one...I haven't...I haven't heard any of this. Ever. In my whole life.
Oh!
Believe me I would have remembered this.
Okay. Well, in that case, everything I just told you was just a funny prank.
Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons delight.
I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.
Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport.
What is your ideal man?
He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.
Ronald, I've done it. I've found your assistant and he's dope. His name is Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio!
Big T! Mr. Swanson, two things: one, it is an absolute honor to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, daaaaaaamn!
Uh, take a seat.
Right, here we go.
So Jean-Ralphio...
You got him right here. Leave a message after the beep.
Why do I want you as my assistant?
For starters, access to the illest clubs. And that's just for starters. I will work for you. I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your family. I'm here when you get here in the morning, sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay. Do we have questions?
I think our only question is when can you start?
Right now. Let's do it.
Thank you for coming in. We will talk.
Cool. I feel good about this. Hey, you know you can hit me up on Facebook anytime day or night, you know that right?
Take care, buddy.
Boom.
So what do you think of your new assistant?
I want to punch you in the face so bad right now.
Sorry what do I get out of this?
Connections. Plus 19 grand a year. Minus 10% Headhunters fee.
I have to pay you two grand if I get hired?
I have a job to offer. In the immortal words of Rob Blagojevich, "it's a [bleep] valuable thing. You don't just give it away for nothing."
Justin is hip. Pawnee is the opposite of hip. People in this town are just now getting into Nirvana. I don't have the heart to tell them what's going to happen to Kurt Cobain in 1994.
This newspaper's from November 1986.
The first rumblings of Iran contra. Don't throw that out.
I think I need to call child services and have Leslie taken away from herself.
[Watching the NutriYums Ad]
Wow that family looks so healthy. Look at them, they're all wearing vests.
Andy, I have a very interesting business proposal for you. I'm moving a lot of heavy stuff out of my place this weekend...
[immediately] Can I help you move? I'm really good at it. Afterwards I take the cardboard from the boxes and I use it for breakdancing.
I'll go, too.
Really? 'Cause an hour ago you told me you'd rather watch a sex tape of your grandparents.
April Shut up. I don't have anything else to do. Do you want help or not?
Alright. See you guys later.
I think that that's really sweet that your grandparents still make love.
Can't believe these things are healthy.
It's not that crazy. Krackle Bars, also healthy and delicious.
No they're not.
Yeah they actually have rice in them so...
Oh Andy. You're fine but you're simple.
Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big boned, plus sized chunk monsters...I call em like I see em.
[Leslie and Ann are at the library]
I hate it here, this place is evil.
I think these are the only two films that say Sweetums on the label.
Yeah well let's take em both. We might find something interesting. Here just stick em under my shirt. We'll just walk out
They have sensors! Just check them out it's free.
[They walk up to the front desk]
Hi Marcy.
Leslie! Are they finally teaching you parks people how to read? Oh I guess not! It's a movie.
You're pretty cocky for someone who's job is obsolete because of the internet.
...Let's see. Hmm you seem to have a $40 late fee on a book called MYSTERIES OF THE FEMALE ORGASM.
NO I DON'T!
Yeah. You do.
...Ann grab the movies! GO! GO! GO! GO!
[Leslie makes a huge mess as she and Ann run away]
PUNK ASS BOOK JOCKEYS!
Leslie needs to butt out. The whole point of this country is if you want to eat garbage, balloon up to 600 pounds, and die of a heart attack at 43, you can. You are free to do so. To me, that's beautiful.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
