Ron Swanson quotes from Parks and Recreation

Ron

Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, "Give me a lot of bacon and eggs." What I said was, "Give me all the bacon and eggs you have". Do you understand?

Ron

I just want to get the work over as soon as possible so I can do some fishing. Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga except I still get to kill something.

Ron

Who's to say what works. You know, you find somebody you like and you roll the dice. It's all anybody can do.

Ron

The key to burning an ex-wife effigy is to dip it in paraffin wax and then toss the flaming bottle of isopropyl alcohol from a safe distance. Do not stand too close when you burn an ex-wife effigy.

Ron

I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food...and most of my stuff.

Ron

OK everyone, SHUT UP AND LOOK AT ME! Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big, some are small. People did them and they are here now. I believe that after this is over they'll be hung in government buildings. Why the government is involved in an art show is beyond me. I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they can just go outside and stand in it. Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

Ron

I don't like loud noises and people making a fuss. And I especially don't like people celebrating because they know a piece of private information about me. Plus the whole thing is a scam: birthdays were invented by Hallmark to sell cards.

Ron

It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on the taxpayers' teat until they have sore, chapped nipples. ...I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine year old.

Ron

I have cried twice in my life. Once, when I was 7 and was hit by a bus, and again when I learned that L'il Sebastian had passed.

Ron

When I walked in this morning and saw the flag at half mast, I thought, 'Great. Another bureaucrat ate it.' But when I found out it was Li'l Sebastian, [sobs] Half-mast is too high. Show some damn respect!

Ron

My first ex-wife's name is Tammy. My second ex-wife's name is Tammy. My Mom's name is Tamara...she goes by Tammy.

Ron

When did kids get so interested in fun?

Ron

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here's April and Andy's: A hammer, half of a pretzel, baseball card, some cartridge that says sonic and hedgehog, a scissor half, and a flashlight filled with jellybeans.

Ron

What religion am I? Well, I'm a practicing none of your [bleep] business.

Ron

I value a good education, so I don't want to see Andy waste his time in college. Of all my co-workers, he's one of a small number whom I don't actively root against. Ah, there I go getting all sappy.