Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

I'm not sick I just have allergies okay! I took a claritin and I threw that up. So I took another one and I threw that up. And then I took a third and it stayed down! I'm getting better.

Leslie

[flu-ridden] It's not that I don't trust Ben, it's that I don't have faith in Ben. And also I'm starting to forget who Ben is.

Leslie

[reciting every town slogan Pawnee has ever had] "Pawnee: The Paris of America." "Pawnee: The Akron of Southwest Indiana." "Pawnee: Welcome German soldiers." After the Nazis took France, our mayor kind of panicked. "Pawnee: The Factory Fire Capital of America." "Pawnee: Welcome Vietnamese Soldiers." "Pawnee: Engage with Zorp." For a brief time in the 70's, our town was taken over by a cult. "Pawnee: Zorp is Dead. Long Live Zorp." "Pawnee: It's Safe To Be Here Now." "Pawnee: Birthplace of Julia Roberts." That was a lie, she sued, and so we had to change it. "Pawnee: Home of the World Famous Julia Roberts Lawsuit." "Pawnee: Welcome Taliban Soldiers." And finally, our current slogan, "Pawnee: First in Friendship, Fourth in Obesity."

Leslie

I know Tammy seems scary, but really she's just a manipulative, psychotic, library book pedaling, sex crazed she-demon.

Leslie

Well he's not gonna be able to keep anything from me. In high school they used to call me Angela Lansbury...but that was because of my haircut.

Leslie

Yeah so here's what happened. Sweet and beautiful Ann has never been dumped before and Chris is such a positive person, when he broke up with her she just didn't realize it. It's kind of understandable...although it does kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is.

Leslie

One time when I was in high school, a guy's mom called me and broke up with me for him. There was another time where I was on a date, and I tripped and broke my kneecap, and the guy said he wasn't "feeling it," so he left and I waited for an ambulance. One time I was dating this guy for a while, and then he got down on one knee and he begged me never to call him again. One guy broke up with me while we were in the shower together. Skywriting isn't always positive. Another time a guy invited me to a beautiful picnic with wine and flowers, and then when I tried to sit down, he said, "Don't eat anything. Rebecca's coming." And then he broke up with me.

Leslie

Exactly.

Leslie

That painting is not gonna be destroyed. Every great work of art contains a message. The message of this painting is: Get out of my way, unless you want an arrow in your ass Marcia.

Leslie

Ron refuses to tell anyone when his birthday is; he's even had it redacted on all government documents. Three years of investigations, phone calls, Freedom of Information Act requests, and I still had nothing. Until, a well placed bribe to a gentleman at Baskin Robins revealed... Ron's birthday is on Friday!

Leslie

The only thing I'm guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching Lindsay in the face. And shoving a coffee filter down her pants.

Leslie

I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so...

Leslie

Uh-oh.

Leslie

We'd like to encourage everyone to buy our merchandise. All the proceeds will go towards L'il Sebastian's favorite charity...The Afghan Institute of Learning...

Leslie

I wrote a book. The First Historical Guide to Pawnee. I wrote it as a reference for myself, but then my campaign advisors said we should make it a big wide release. So we had people contribute, we added pictures, and we removed a lot of my poems and emotional ramblings and pictures of unicorns, and here it is!

Leslie

Oh God. I wonder who else was born in Eagleton...Voldemort, probably.