Rodney Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Rodney

No, it's a boy alright. Rosemary's Baby was on the telly the other night. It's Del and Raquel to a tee. In a couple of weeks time, we'll be awoken by the cries of our own little bonny, bouncing antichrist. It'll be sitting in it's cot, head spinning round like a propeller, green gung up the wall. They're bound to call it Damien.

Albert

(as if to cheer Rodney up) They were thinking of calling him "Rodney".

Rodney

Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.

Rodney

Is it... normal?

Del

What do you mean, normal?

Rodney

No... numbers or anything?

Del

What do you think this is? A bloody raffle?

Albert

You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.

Rodney

Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert?

Albert

When I was your age, I was fighting in the war!

Rodney

You must have made more bloody noise than me then!

Rodney

Well Trigger could be considered an expert.

Mike

Trigger still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.

Rodney

(dressed as Robin) We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.

Trigger

Me either.

Rodney

You mean, that's your costume?

Trigger

Yeah. I come as a chauffeur. (thinks) I feel a bit stupid now.

Del

(dressed as Batman) Yeah, you do stand out a bit.

Raquel

You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!

Cassandra

Ooh Pierce Brosnan.

Rodney

Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.

Cassandra

Yes, haven't I just?

Del

Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.

Raquel

Oh shut up.

Del

No, you could.

Raquel

Don't be silly.

Del

I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.

Rodney

(wearing a "Trotter crash-turban") I look like a human cannonball that's just crashed into a washing line!

Albert

During the war...

Del

Will you shut up!? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We don't wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids!

Rodney

I never thought I'd see you like this! You're acting like a big kid just 'cos we're stuck in a lift for a while.

Del

Yes, well you don't know how I feel! (kicks the door a couple of times) I feel... I feel sort of frightened! You don't know what that's like!

Rodney

I don't know what it's like?! How do you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks since Cassie... since what happened?

Del

I don't know, Rodney, I don't know how you've felt!

Rodney

Well, I'll tell you, frightened ain't the word! Do you know what I did last night?

Del

No, but I bet it was depressing!

Rodney

I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid.

Del

See, I was right!

Rodney

No, not quite. I actually noticed moments of hope inside those pages - I mean there weren't many - just the occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism. They were simple hopes, as you'd expect for someone of my age. I hoped for - hairs, hoped I'd do well in my exams, I even hoped for a good job when I left school.

Del

Well, you got hairs, didn't you? Think how Right Said Fred must feel.

Rodney

Me and Cass were so happy, Del. We were looking forward and all we could see in front of us was a big wide highway and we were just cruising like we were in a Rolls-Royce. And suddenly it came to a shattering halt - just like the poxy lift. Suddenly Happy Families became Dungeons and Dragons. (crying) And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life.

Del

Is Cassandra hurting?

Rodney

Well of course she is!

Del

How do you know? You haven't talked to her about it.

Rodney

No, and do you know why? Because... it's because... It's almost like if I don't talk about it, it might not be true.

Del

But it is.

Rodney

I know! I know. But if I don't say it...

Del

If you don't say what?

Rodney

We lost our baby!

Del

But you did - and now you've said it.

Rodney

Yeah. I've said it! You just shield yourself from it, you know. I've just been lying, ain't I?

Del

In a way. And what about Cassandra?

Rodney

Not her. Cassandra can't tell a lie.

Del

Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips.

Rodney

Cassie seemed so fragile. I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it - but I was frightened I might... sort of break her.

Del

No. She's strong, Rodney. Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry. That's what Mum used to say.

Rodney

Yeah, I suppose that's about the strength of it when you think about it.

Del

Of course it is. You two'll pick up the bits and pieces and be cruising down that big highway again. Cassandra wants to talk about it, she told Raquel.

Rodney

What do I say to her?

Del

Well, you tell her exactly what you told me - you can leave out the bit about the hairs if you like. You go home and you have a heart-to-heart with her right now. And while you're there, you ask her if she fancies coming round for dinner tonight.

Rodney

Yeah, I'd love to Del, but there is the little matter that I'm stuck in a lift.

Del

Oh yeah. (stands up and opens the control panel) Let's have a look in here.

Rodney

Claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?

Del

Yeah well, got over the worst of it.

Rodney

(stands up) Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.

Del

Well, these things, they come and go, don't they? Oh look, there's a little switch in here. (presses a switch, and the lift begins moving again) There you go.

Rodney

(angry) You git! You stopped it!

Del

(smiling) It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift.

Rodney

You git!

Rodney

(laughing) You! You git!

Del

How much exactly did it go for?

Rodney

Six point two million. Just over three million each.

Del

Well we've had worse days, ain't we?

Del

Don't worry Rodney, this time next year, we'll be millionaires!

Rodney

This time last week, we were millionaires!

Cassandra

Del, it's Albert. I'm so sorry.

Del

(regarding the loss of their fortune) Oh, it's my fault, is it!?

Rodney

Either you, or this is the Chinese Year of the Dodo!

Rodney

So ummm... what you doing here, Trig?

Trigger

Well Del said he'd give me a lift to the pub.

Rodney

Oh, right. (realises) But you live closer to the pub than us.

Trigger

I know.

Rodney

In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this flat.

Trigger

Yeah? But Del said he'd give me a lift!

Trigger

Ain't there any words to this, Dave?

Rodney

Words? No... no words. Sorta instrumental.

Del

What's this?

Trigger

It's Mozart's symphony number 38 in D Major. It's the karaoke version.

(to Raquel) Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.

Raquel

Oh did he?

Rodney

Yeah, well, they all are aren't they? They go through that Kevin and Perry stage.

Raquel

Yeah, suppose they are a bit annoying. But when you reach 21 a man leaves those days behind him and matures into a responsible adult.

Del

(on the phone) So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel! So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac!

Raquel

Well that's the theory, anyway.