Night Court · Season 1
I have never known Dan to be late before. I hope he's all right.
Yeah. But it's his own fault. I mean, I always make it a rule: Never get involved with people I work with.
You work with rapists, junkies, muggers and flashers.
That does make it easier.
Personally, I don't see the big attraction about Mel Torme. I like singers that stick to the tune.
Like who, for instance?
Leontyne Price…Luciano Pavarotti…that bird on Sesame Street's not bad either.
Slow down.
I feel great. Thanks. Whatever the medication is, it seems to be working. I don't feel so drained anymore. You know, I feel vigorous ... like I could ride my bike around the park.
You know, my doctor made me get one of those exercise bicycles.
Really? Does it have one of those little machines on it that measures your blood pressure and your pulse rate?
Used to, but I took it off.
Why?
Make room for the ashtray.
The guy in the dress wants another strip search.
What a sickie.
Yeah.
I mean, gloves with a cocktail dress?
Yakov Korolenko.
Hello, Joe.
Might we have a language problem here?
We definitely might, Your Honor. My client speaks only a few words of English and we haven't been able to find a Russian interpreter.
But we are working on it.
Yes, sir.
I understand you're looking for somebody who speaks Russian.
Do you speak Russian?
No, but I'll give it a shot.
[after Yakov threatens to burn down the courtroom] All right. Everyone, clear out of here.
Harry, we are not gonna leave you here alone.
I really don't think this is the time to question the judge's authority.
I'm not leaving either.
Will you listen to yourselves, people?
Liz!
This is my client and I'm staying. What we have here is a frightened, lonely, confused human being. A stranger in our land alone in his misery and I, for one, will not desert him in this, this desperate time of need. [Liz handcuffs herself to Yakov]
The police have cordoned off the whole building. They're not letting anyone else in who doesn't have business with the court.
So how many--?
Got in? They estimate there's a couple of hundred of them roaming around the building.
Thank God they're sealed in here with us, and not out on the streets terrorizing the public.
Come in.
Guess who?
Well if it isn't my favorite yellow journalist.
You're too kind.
What is it, Craven?
What is it? Jennifer Black is it, and you are its current lover.
Craven, we met briefly, we had coffee and then I took her right back to her hotel.
How does she take it?
I beg your pardon?
Her coffee. My public likes to know that kind of stuff.
Your public moved their lips when they read.
Your Honor, come on, huh? I figured you'd give me the inside story because of our close, personal relationship.
Craven, our close, personal relationship is that of a tick to a dog.
(nods as if understanding, then points to himself) Tick, right?
Bull, where did that baby come from?
You don't know where babies come from, sir?
Reynolds, Guy T. 629 Bleecker Street.
May I remove my coat, Your Honor?
Sure.
No!
Miss Williams?
Your Honor, the charge.
"Indecent exposure." You almost got me on that one, didn't you, Mr. Reynolds?
That charge is ridiculous, Your Honor. I'm not a pervert. I'm a nudist.
[courtroom audience applauds]
All right, that's enough. Mr. Reynolds, what you do in the privacy of your own home is one thing but what you do at the Chock Full o'Nuts at Fourth and Lexington is quite another.
That was the point, Your Honor. To bring the subject out into the open. Discuss it, create a forum.
Your Honor, what Mr. Reynolds apparently created was a stampede when he stood atop the coffee counter, disrobed and sang, "Hey, Look Me Over."
Don't you see? Our clothing inhibits us, people. Nudity allows us to be open to each other.
Great little icebreaker, no doubt. But, Mr. Reynolds quite frankly, I don't wanna know you that well.
All I can say is, if you don't go nude, you're missing a wonderful experience. It's-well it's indescribable.
Yeah well, I'm gonna describe it as a Class A misdemeanor and I'm gonna fine you $160.
Well, hello again.
I gotta gun, Bernie.
You look very sexy in that uniform.
Bullets, Bernie. I got those too.
Hi Selma, how did it go?
How did what go?
Oh, come on, Selma. Don't keep us all in suspense. How did the date go with Bernie?
Oh, that.
Selma, you don't have to give us all the details. What time did you get home?
Well, if you must know, very early.
You didn't have a good time?
I didn't say that.
You said you got home early.
I got home around midnight. Bernie got home around noon. Ready when you are!
What’s next, Mac?
Do the words “chow down” ring a bell, sir?
Your honor, we are starving. Please call a dinner break.
Sir, you can’t ignore your dinner date forever.
Hey, one more case. We’ll work up an appetite.
That’s what you said an hour ago, sir. And mine’s worked up real nice, I mean it’s ready for something raw.
Your Honor, if we do not eat, we will grow weak and then die on your floor.
…Next case, Mac?
…Anita Fries VS Arnold Burger, your honor.
Bull, call them in.
Burger and Fries, please. [A hooker and a man with his hand over his eye walk in]
Anita Fries, your honor. She’s charged with solicitation, prostitution, [Pulls man’s arm away to reveal a black eye] and assault.
In the interest of time, let’s try and keep out the insignificant details. Specifically the graphic ones.
She took my money, and she won’t give it back.
I have a strict no-refund policy.
Your honor, apparently Ms. Fries provided neither... ”goods nor services”.
He’s a pervert.
Oh, come on. One little comment does not make me a...
Mr. Prosecutor, I believe she was referring to your client.
Your honor, my client would like to show the demands made by Mr. Burger. [Hands him a piece of paper]
This is a shopping list.
This sicko gets his kicks off of food. He gives me fifty bucks, and tells me to spend it on ice cream, whipped cream, sprinkles, and cherries.
They're in season.
You want to hear what he wanted me to do with this stuff?
No, I don’t.
He wanted me to smear it...
All right. One hour meal break.
Hey, judge!
Yeah?
You're scum!
Mister, I was patient before, now I'm giving you one more chance to get a grip on yourself.
I hate your filthy, rotten, stinking, slime-soaked guts!
Okay. (bangs gavel) Contempt of court.
When I found Velma, she was an emotional wreck!
Sudden fame, instant money. We've seen it a thousand times before, haven't we, Mr. Blair?
It killed Morris.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Night Court pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
