Night Court · Season 1
How did you get appointed to the bench?
You know Dan, that's a funny story. It was the mayor's last day in office and it was a Sunday and my name was at the bottom of the list of a 1,000 candidates. So they start calling folks starting at the top of the list. You see it's Sunday and no one's home. So they keep calling down the list, name by name. No one answers. Finally they get down to the bottom of the list and voila.
You mean you were appointed a judge because…
I was home.
Mr. Prosecutor, Ms. Gardener, I am prepared to listen to the testimony, cross-examine the witnesses, consider the precedents that I'm sure you've both prepared, but I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
[shouting] What do you mean it's not necessary?
I'm glad you asked. We will now take a short recess. During that time I order the defendant, Mrs. Kerr and her husband, Mr. Kerr and the attorneys involved to go to a nearby restaurant, sit down, have a cup of coffee, relax, try to work out this little thing.
Your Honor, this is highly irregular.
Thanks. Court's recessed.
...
You're crazy. I mean an attempted murder and you send the plaintiff and the defendant out for a cup of coffee. What do murders get? Brunch?
Alright my methods are informal. [Lana giggles] Hey give them a chance. They might work. Maybe just maybe, it will work. [Sheila and Dan enter with tattered clothes] Then again, maybe someday pigs will fly.
Strange day, huh? I'm sure there must be an explanation for everything.
I'm sure there must be.
Like what?
He overheard some policemen talking perhaps.
Yeah or he picked up the phone when we weren't looking, disguised his voice, took down the information, replaced the receiver without us noticing and we were none the wiser.
You will already be none the wiser.
Judge Harold T. Stone?
I'm Judge Stone.
Dr. Peter Stone, Windwood Psychiatric Center. The police called me, told me I might find John here.
John?
John Stevens. The man in the red flannel suit.
Oh that John Stevens.
Dr. Green, what a surprise.
Hello John. I feel fortunate. We usually don't catch him this soon after Christmas.
You don't?
No, every year he disappears just before Christmas. Usually manages to elude us till about the first of February.
You mean this guy's a fruitcake?
Bull.
I'm sorry. Alleged fruitcake.
So Craven prints it, now what's the worst that can happen?
Well I'd be publicly disgraced, making it impossible for me to function effectively as a judge. I'd have to step down.
Right, but you've still got your health. I'm sorry. I've never tried to cheer up anybody before.
What's next?
Next we have a rather unusual case, Your Honor.
[A man in a tuxedo and a woman in a white gown enter.]
What's the problem?
She's a slut.
He's an animal.
Off the top of my head, marital problems?
Not quite, Your Honor. They never finished the ceremony.
Your honor, I know I haven't been here very long and sometimes I, well something I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I'd like to pass on some advice that my Uncle Lionel used to give me: Talk with your head but listen with your heart.
He sounds like a wise man.
Yeah. We have no idea why he killed himself.
Miss Brandon, do you have anything to say?
Yes, you're even better looking than I imagined.
I'll get those paper bags now.
When Harry was four his hair was dark like his Uncle Otto. Who would think it would've lightened up so much?
Yes, it goes nicely with the robe.
You know my Uncle Otto?
Of course.
Then I take it we have met.
A long time ago.
I'm afraid you have the advantage Ms. Brandon I just don't remember you.
Well how could you? The last time I saw you, you were only five.
Ms. Brandon?
Harry, I'm your mother.
Oh, pleased to meet you.
[after Bull's outburst] I have never seen Bull act like that.
Yes. They can be dangerous when they're wounded. Oh, come on, I'm kidding. But if you can't laugh at other people who can you laugh at?
Hi there. I'm Harry Stone, and you are…?
Vincent Frago and Iris Keller, second-degree obscenity.
Yes, Your Honor, these two were apprehended making a porno flick in Central Park.
Hold on, there, Counselor. The report clearly states that both parties were clothed at the time of arrest.
Yes. But before that, they were naked as jaybirds.
Oh, did I mention that I have a witness?
Leonard Bloom, Your Honor. I saw the whole thing. Unclothed bodies, writhing around in the grass, contorted dances of lust, screams of sexual delight...
Objection, Your Honor.
Sustained. But damn well put, sir.
At least I'm not some blue-nosed hypocrite who talks real righteous, but gets his mail in plain brown wrappers!
Listen, you, I don't have to take your kind of filth!
[pounding gavel] All right, sit down, Mr. Bloom...
What's the matter, Fish Face? The truth hurt?
Not as much as my fist!
[Bloom throws a punch at Vincent, but Bull catches his hand in mid-air, causing Bloom to gasp in pain.]
Nice catch.
[Still holding Bloom by the hand, Bull drags him up to the bench.]
You want him removed from the courtroom, Your Honor?
I don't that'll be necessary, will it, Mr. Bloom?
I just want to leave here with the same number of fingers I came in with.
Who have we got here?
You tell him. [nudges his client]
I am known by many names.
Pick one and tell it to the judge.
I've been called the Final Cause, the Supreme Judge, the Infinite Spirit but you can just call me God.
[to Lana] You've been saving this one for me, haven't you?
[Lana nods]
I chose to manifest myself in this form because I didn't want my presence to be noticed.
Good choice.
To what do we owe this visit?
The ways of the Lord surpass thine understanding. Unto mankind, my ways are wondrous strange.
I give. How strange?
He trashed a diner.
Any particular reason?
Your Honor, the defendant went into Blumberg's Coffee Shop and there he said unto Blumberg: "Give me an egg salad sandwich for though I have no cash you and all your descendants will be blessed."
It's better when I do it.
Blumberg was unimpressed and told him to leave. And then he told Blumberg to be fruitful and multiply. But not in those words.
You know, if it weren't for Eve, there'd be no reason for you to wear any clothes.
She did it so we could get some work done.
Tell me, do you worship regularly?
Honey, at my age, I don't do anything regularly.
[About Harry] What a guy.
What were you two talking about?
The judge and I were having a personal discussion.
How personal?
What business is it of yours?
You're right. You're right. It is none of my business. But if you want a little friendly advice: Forget it. He's not your type.
Oh, but I suppose he's your type.
He's a sensitive, intellectual, complex man. Eclectic in nature, multidimensional in personality and, well, frankly, he would need a woman of similar qualities to stimulate him.
Honey, I don't know what those words mean but I do know what it takes to please a man.
Physical stimulation is not enough.
I won't use gadgets.
That's-That's not what I meant. You see, dear, most psychologists and experts agree that the way a man and a woman primarily respond to each other is cerebral.
What?
The brain. Sex takes place between the ears. You need a bond.
You need a map.
I am depressed.
Who wouldn't be? International crises threaten us with the possibility of nuclear holocaust and the increase in violent crime has raised the odds that one of us is gonna be murdered in our sleep tonight.
That ought to perk him up.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Night Court pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
