Lisa Miller quotes from NewsRadio

Joe

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Dave

It better be good and it better be fast!

Lisa

I was just about to say that.

Dave

All right, well, let's not go overboard. Let's try to remember that, at heart, Mr. James is a decent person.

Lisa

Yes, they're all decent persons, Dave, but once a man throws his hat into the ring, it is my duty as a journalist to make him my bitch.

You are totally under siege out there! It's just like that movie. What's its name?

Dave

"Under Siege"?

No.

Dave

"Under Siege 2"?

No.

Dave

"Under Siege 3"?

That's the one.

Lisa

I don't think they made an "Under Siege 3".

Hey, I can dream, can't I?

Bill

They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.

Lisa

In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.

Bill

All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.

Lisa

The problem is you look better in my dress than I do.

Dave

What?

Lisa

You do. I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.

Dave

No. I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue.

Lisa

It's awkward meeting the boyfriend's parents for the first time. What if I snap and just start shouting obscenities uncontrollably?

Dave

Then I will just tell them that you're a whore with Tourette Syndrome that I picked up at the airport.

Lisa

You're Canadian?

I am?

Lisa

Not you, sir. Him.

Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave?

Dave

Yeah.

Lisa

Then what is this all about?

Dave

What's what all ab- uh... What's what?

Lisa

You're afraid to say it, aren't you.

Dave

No.

Lisa

Yes, you are.

Dave

No.

Lisa

Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, say "about".

Dave

No.

Lisa

Say it.

Dave

No.

Lisa

Say "out".

Dave

No.

Lisa

House. Couch.

Dave

Your honor, I plead the fifth.

Lisa

I don't know if you have that right.

Dave

I do too, eh.

Oh my God.

Dave

"You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."

Joe

Hey.

Dave

[pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."

Lisa

I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.

Dave

Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.

Dave

Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."

SHAFT.

Bill

I thought we'd all enjoy that.

Dave

[reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

Joe

Did you commit any crimes that weren't SAT related?

Lisa

I broke into a library.

Beth

To vandalize it?

Lisa

No, I had a big history test and the only copy of the Federalist Papers I had at home was abridged.

Matthew

Why did we go to Hawaii together?

Lisa

That was a dream.

Matthew

Oh... Wait a minute, I'm pretty sure it wasn't.

Lisa

All right then. How was it?

Matthew

Not that good, actually.

Lisa

I'm sorry.

Beth

Desperate phone call: great idea. My ex-boyfriends did it to me all the time.

Lisa

Does it work?

Beth

They usually end up stalking me, so if you're lucky, Catherine might come to your fire escape tonight.

So, Lisa, are you going to wow us tonight?

Lisa

If I have to, sir.

So what do you do? Gymnastics? Flaming baton twirling?

Lisa

Without mechanical help of any kind, I can solve any complex mathematical equation suggested by the audience.

That's great, if you go out nude and leave out the math part.

See, Dave and I, we could talk about... guy stuff.

Lisa

Guy stuff? I can do that.

No...

Lisa

Yes, I can, try me.

You think?

Lisa

Yes.

That Lisa's sure got some cute ass, huh?

Lisa

Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!

Dave

No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?

Lisa

Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!

You know, when I first hooked up with Matthew I thought, "Hey, I want one of the little ones." But then as time went by and we got to know each other, I realized he needs just as much guidance, and love, and good old-fashioned big brothering as anyone else.

Lisa

That's true. Which is sad. But still.