New Girl quotes

Jess

[on her new hutch] Can you believe I found this on the street? Who would want to throw this away?

Schmidt

A blind man who suddenly recovered his sight? Get rid of it, Jess—pine has no place in this loft. It's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Jess

I pay rent, so I think that gives me the right to add a few things.

Schmidt

Jess... [chuckles] you're wrong. Okay? My answer's no.

Jess

Well, my answer is yes. I'm keeping the hutch.

Schmidt

I had a bad night. I'm really, I'm just asking you, please d-don't push me. 'Cause then I'll have to reinstate my ban on high-waisted shorts.

Jess

You would not dare.

Schmidt

Try me.

Jess

That was the worst four weeks of my life.

Jess

He washed his hands in a public restroom.

Schmidt

And there was a man in there. And he was using the toilet, full sit, no door. And I didn't break eye contact. Not once.

Winston

That's not letting go, that's cruising.

Jess

I'll raise the money myself. I'll get a ragtag group of kids together. A lost soul, an orphan, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance, and one fatso, and I'll choreograph some dances, make a show.

You did that already, Jess. It's called the spring musical, and it literally brought in $60.

Winston

You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost. You weigh more than your credit score.

Jess

[to Russell] I don't go on dates very often. Guys my age always wanna skip the date and just go right for the gold. Which I don't give them because I'm stingy with my gold. Unless they dig for it.

Jess

What's going on? Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?

Nick

Dirk is a genius! 20-year-old girls—they think I'm awesome! And look at 'em! They don't know what Saved by the Bell is and they've never felt pain.

Jess

[To Cece] Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready. Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography, and she just filmed First Wives Club, and it's getting me pumped!

Winston

Schmidt said he thinks about you sometimes when he's making love to himself.

Jess

What?

Schmidt

One time.

Jess

What?!

Schmidt

I thought about bangs and your face just appeared beneath them. Okay, by the way, like I'm the only one. Nick told me it happened to him, like, like, a bunch of times.

Nick

Winston, you told me the first week you got back from Latvia, you had a sex dream about Jess, and she had raccoon hands.

Winston

Dreams do not count.

Jess

You've all thought about me while self-completing?!

Jess

I love these parties. I feel like I'm an ambassador, or a spy, or, like, a really high-class prostitute.

Well, Jess, it's a political fundraiser. Who's to say you can't be all three?

Jess

[to Russell] That's where I live, and those are my friends. And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month. And Russell, my life is just as important as your life. And if you wanna get with me, you're gonna have to get with my friends, and that is a Spice Girls song.

Jess

But you're using birth control, right?

Cece

Yeah, of course. It's just that Schmidt gets so athletic that birth control becomes like one of those plastic barbecue covers in a hurricane.

Jess

I didn't wanna know that. Okay, the pregnancy test doesn't work until after six days, so just get through the weekend and don't tell Schmidt until you're sure.

Cece

Yeah, no, of course not, of course. It's just... I can't stop thinking about what a Schmidt baby would be like.

Jess

Just, I mean, I, I don't know.

Cece

Would it just wanna nurse 24 hours a day?

Jess

Probably. We could make it, like, a douche baby jar.

Jess

I know having your teacher dating your dad is weird, um, but I just want you to know that, um, you can ask me anything.

Really?

Jess

Yeah, anything.

Are you in love with my dad?

Jess

Hmm... Oh...

Do you and my dad ever dry-lump?

Jess

G... Uh...

Is sexting cool?

Jess

What? No, it's not cool.

Have you done a 99?

Jess

I think that's a tax form.

Have you ever given anyone plow chops?

Jess

I don't know.

How do you make love to a person animal-style?

Jess

Do you wanna learn how to play bridge?

[opening the door for Schmidt] Cece, the Jewish is here to make sex.

Schmidt

Uh, it's actually Schmidt. Um, we've met, uh, many times.

Right. I hear you make sex through Cece wall. You sound like dog being stepped on. [barking weakly]

Schmidt

Any noises I make, they come from a very truthful place.

Jess

[on her awkward steam room encounter with Ouli] It was really foggy, and I kept making eye contact with her nipples.

Schmidt

Know this: you're not the only one that's hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I...

Jess

Don't say "broken penis."

Schmidt

... have a broken penis. Don't pretend to know my pain.