So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, "Oh, my God. There's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on, in the dark." And you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police." And she's like, "Okay," but it's too late, because she's already getting murdered. Well, uh, my story's kind of like that.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
My life's filled with regret.
JJessica
You know, you can't just pretend like it didn't happen.
Or I could pretend to be more like you, Jess and live on a sparkly rainbow and drive a unicorn around and just sing all the time.
JJessica
Yeah, I think you should sing all the time.
No, I was being mean. I'm not gonna do that.
JJessica
Why not? It's fun.
Because I have a penis.
$550 for the TV? Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I'll go. [Writes something down on a piece of paper]
PGPawnshop guy
You drew a smiley face.
I'm a teacher. Do it for the kids.
PGPawnshop guy
For the kids, $550.
I can't go home without a TV. I thought pawnshops were about helping people, and frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of, and I just got out of a long relationship and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or—let's be honest—sexually. I'll just... just get out of here. [suddenly attempts to steal the TV, which happens to be too heavy for her]
PGPawnshop guy
Are you trying to rob me?
SSpencer
You live with these people, Jess? Seriously? You can stay here until you find a better place to live.
You know what? I don't like you, stretch. I don't like anything about you, and I'm not afraid to...
I got this. I've got a place to live, Spence. It's over. I spent six years trying to figure you out. All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I'm happy you cheated on me. Thank you. Because if you hadn't, I would have married you. And then you would have hurt me all over again. And yeah, I was scared to start over. I didn't know what to do. And yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the Internet. And yeah, stranger danger is real. But I love these guys. I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them.
I would just take it easy with the love stuff.
Come on, the love stuff.
All of them.
[Jess shows an ugly yellow dress]
No!
That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen, Jess!
I'm really gonna need you to step it up tonight, okay? When I see you, I wanna be thinking, "Who let the dirty slut out of the slut house?"
[in a British accent] Probaby the slut butler, right?
[Jess is pretending to be Nick's girlfriend at the wedding]
Uh, Jess, this is Caroline.
CCaroline
Hi.
One more time. Cara-lee?
CCaroline
Uh, Caroline.
Caraloo? Coraline?
Caroline.
Oh, okay. Fancy. Well, I'm Nicholas's girlfriend. We just started dating, so we're still in that honeymoon phase. I barely sleep. So much doing it.
So much doing it. It's crazy.
He's so soft, like a towel.
CCaroline
Well, it was nice to meet you.
So nice to meet you, too, Carol.
CCaroline
Caroline.
I give up!
[after accidently seeing Nick naked] What am I going to do?! He's never going to speak to me again. I'm so embarrassed!
It's not a big deal. I've seen Nick's stuff, like, a million times.
You have? I mean...how?
We grew up together. Locker rooms, swimming pools, penis fights...it just happens.
Why haven't I seen it?
Why do you wanna see it?
He's my best friend!
Again, why do you wanna see it?
What if Nick has an accident? What if he's horribly disfigured and I have to identify him, and all the remains are his private parts? I'm standing there and I'm saying: "Sorry officer, I can't help you, because, no, I haven't seen his penis", and boom, he's buried in an unmarked grave.
Again, why do you wanna see it?
[explaining to the guys why she brought Cece to the apartment] I would normally never bring her here, but Cece's really vulnerable right now, and when she's drunk, she has no boundaries. So she's really grabby, really physical, she's really loose with her body. So I just wanna apologize in advance for anything that she might do.
I'm trying to help you.
No. I don't need your help. You don't know... Nick and I are friends. You don't know, 'cause you don't have guy friends at all. You just hang out with jerks like Gavin. Oh, I'm sorry... DJ Diabeat It.
He has diabetes.
Oh, he does? Boo-hoo. I'm sorry. Is it really bad? I feel really bad.
He's fine. He takes medication.
Why do you just come in and you take over? It's like you're playing mind games with people.
Don't put this on me, Jess. Okay, I'm trying to help you. You never make a move...
Well, I don't need your help. I like moving slow. I like being weird and taking my time. I'm not like you. I don't just jump in the potato sack with the first potato that I meet with diabetes.
Okay, what did you just say?
You heard me, bitch.
[After Nick told Jess that they wouldn't be doing Thanksgiving]
I'm just cooking dinner for you guys... and Paul.
What?
What?
Hmm? What?
Did you say "and Paul"? Who's Paul? Did you invite somebody named Paul to our house?
Yes, I did. I asked someone out.
Asked someone out?
Jess, be honest—is the turkey named Paul?
It's a real guy. And he teaches at my school. And he's really, really hot! And the turkey is named Hank. Hanksgiving.
[Schmidt, Winston, Cece and Paul go into Mrs. Beverly's while Jess and Nick stay outside]
Oh, I get it. [about Paul] He's not cool enough for you. 'Cause nobody can be cool enough for cool Nick Miller. [mimicking Nick] "I'm Nick Miller. I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face." Why don't you like him?
Who cares? Do you like him?
Of course I like him.
Okay, fine! It doesn't matter what I think, does it? 'Cause I don't have to have sex with him.
I do. I want to. I want to have sex with him big-time.
Great.
You heard me! Big-time! Okay? I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?
[to Winston] What is pumpkin pie?
I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay? I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's for Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good. And I don't care what you think!
Then why did you ask me?
[opens the door] Hey, Jess. Uh... just want you to know everyone really loves Paul. And also, we can hear everything you're saying.
What?
Play through.
After you, Jess. Excuse me.
So, um... just a heads-up. Uh... we're just rehearsing a play that, uh, Nick is writing. It's called... Big-Time. It's... it's about a man who, um, loves another man named Paul and it's not very good. I'm so sorry.
Here's what I was thinking, okay? If we wanna win this concert, we play something cool, like "Eye of the Tiger."
BBianca
What's "Eye of the Tiger"?
"Eye of the Tiger" is the greatest song ever written. It's so cool, it ended the Cold War.
That's not even a little bit true.
[After Winston was mean to Jess's bell group]
You know what, I love running this group. It gives me confidence, it gives me muscle definition. Yes, sometimes it gives me blinding optical migraines where I literally can't see three feet in front of myself. But I love these kids. And I'm sorry I kicked you out of group, but one thing you can't do with these kids is make it about you.
Jess, I don't see what the big deal is, okay? I only practiced with you guys a couple of times.
You're such a tonkel!
Whoa, hold it! Don't nobody call me a tonkel.
If you tell them they aren't good, that's one more person telling them that. That's a big deal to me, making sure no one else gives up on them. Even if they sound like a guy covered in bells falling down a staircase that's also made of bells. I know you've had a hard month, I know you don't have a job, but, God, they're just kids. Also, what happened to the refrigerator and the sofa? Did we get robbed by giants?
[in a British accent, with a pair of lacy panties on her head] Mr. Darcy's going to love my new bonnet.
Why are we here?
You don't understand. You've never been cheated on before. Spencer and I never tried anything new, and maybe if I'd been... more erotic...
Spencer cheated on you because he's a total jerk, not 'cause you're bad in bed.
It's been six years. Everything I know about sex, I learned from Spencer or the Clinton impeachment trial.
[Flashback starts]
NONPR on the radio
He used a cigar as a sexual aid with her in the Oval Office area...
JSJess's mother
Jess!
Mom?! [shoves the radio] I'm not listening to NPR.
[End of flashback]
[whistles while holding a starfish lingerie]
No. No whistle. It's terrible!
Uh, excusez-moi. Can I try this on, please?
CClerk
Oh, the starfish. You can't try that on. Health code.
I'll take it! I hope Paul's packing some coral polyps, 'cause this starfish is hungry. Starfish eat coral polyps.
Just pay, Jess.
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