Jess Day quotes from New Girl

Jess

So, you know in horror movies when the girl's like, "Oh, my God. There's something in the basement. Let me just run down there in my underwear and see what's going on, in the dark." And you're like, "What is your problem? Call the police." And she's like, "Okay," but it's too late, because she's already getting murdered. Well, uh, my story's kind of like that.

Jess

[explaining to the guys why she brought Cece to the apartment] I would normally never bring her here, but Cece's really vulnerable right now, and when she's drunk, she has no boundaries. So she's really grabby, really physical, she's really loose with her body. So I just wanna apologize in advance for anything that she might do.

Jess

[on the phone] Hi, yes, I'd like to order a last-minute stripper. Oh, um, preferably of Asian heritage, very bendy, with a heart of gold and a crotch of gold.

Jess

I think I changed a life today, you guys. I pulled a Gandhi, a real Gandhi. There's a student of mine, he's been bullied for the past few months, so after warning the kids that there would be serious repercussions if this continued, I delivered a lesson... in the key of learning. Learning minor.

Jess

[to Russell] I don't go on dates very often. Guys my age always wanna skip the date and just go right for the gold. Which I don't give them because I'm stingy with my gold. Unless they dig for it.

Jess

[To Cece] Are you ready to run? I have my playlist all ready. Actually, it's Diane Keaton's autobiography, and she just filmed First Wives Club, and it's getting me pumped!

Jess

[to Russell] That's where I live, and those are my friends. And that wasn't even the first stabbing this month. And Russell, my life is just as important as your life. And if you wanna get with me, you're gonna have to get with my friends, and that is a Spice Girls song.

Jess

[on her awkward steam room encounter with Ouli] It was really foggy, and I kept making eye contact with her nipples.

Jess

[to Nick] You're making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.

Jess

[to Nick] I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!

Jess

[to Schmidt] I used my body. Is that what you wanna hear? I shook what the good people of Oregon gave me, and I got a parking space.

Jess

Nick, I never thought I'd say this, but I need to be alone with Prince.

Jess

Have you ever seen sex from above, Cece? It's horrible. That's why God thinks it's a sin.

Jess

$550 for the TV? Seems a little steep. I'm gonna write down a figure and this is as high as I'll go. [Writes something down on a piece of paper]

You drew a smiley face.

Jess

I'm a teacher. Do it for the kids.

For the kids, $550.

Jess

I can't go home without a TV. I thought pawnshops were about helping people, and frankly, right now I feel taken advantage of, and I just got out of a long relationship and I don't know what I'm doing emotionally or—let's be honest—sexually. I'll just... just get out of here. [suddenly attempts to steal the TV, which happens to be too heavy for her]

Are you trying to rob me?

You live with these people, Jess? Seriously? You can stay here until you find a better place to live.

Nick

You know what? I don't like you, stretch. I don't like anything about you, and I'm not afraid to...

Jess

I got this. I've got a place to live, Spence. It's over. I spent six years trying to figure you out. All you are is a guy with really beautiful hair. I'm happy you cheated on me. Thank you. Because if you hadn't, I would have married you. And then you would have hurt me all over again. And yeah, I was scared to start over. I didn't know what to do. And yeah, I'm living with three guys I met on the Internet. And yeah, stranger danger is real. But I love these guys. I barely know them, I just met him, but I love them.

Nick

I would just take it easy with the love stuff.

Schmidt

Come on, the love stuff.

Jess

All of them.