[to a suspect who has grabbed her butt] Remove your hand or I will rip your arm off and beat you to death with it!
S4 E3Singled Out
[using a computer program that predicts the features of a couple's children, Tony and Abby combine Gibbs and Jenny and produce a hypothetical daughter.]
Wow... even with Gibbs as a father, I'd date her.
Never more than once, DiNozzo.
Aw, you and the Director make nice Gibblets, Gibbs.
You're turning down a promotion because of Gibbs' mustache?
He called Ziva 'Kate' yesterday
So I got used to being in charge, sue me! (goes to grab car door, so does Ziva)
Is there a reason why you always have to drive?
I could say it's because I'm the senior field agent, but mostly because I want to live.
Then I recommend you getting unused to being in charge before Gibbs decides to kill you.
Chances of finding her alive drop to almost zero after 48 hours. [looks at Gibbs] Sorry. I'm sure you knew that, boss.
Don't apologize, DiNozzo.
Right. Sign of weakness.
Not to mention annoying.
90 second dates. I thought you were kidding me Gibbs.
You'll do fine Ziva, I've had marriages shorter than that.
S4 E4Faking It
Tell me you found a match on our suspect's prints, Abs.
Negative. Still processing. But what we do have is $73.65. That's what the victim was carrying. And there's no pennies. He probably threw them out. A lot of people do. I mean I don't but other people do. Do you know how many pennies are thrown out or put into jars every year?
Enlighten me.
3.5 Billion. Billion, Gibbs! That's like 35 million dollars. That's a lot of pennies in any language.
Including Russian?
No, Russians don't have pennies, they have kopeks.
[about the missing case file on Operation Sunburst] Check the log; who booked it out last?
The CIA. So I guess that's not a who, it's more of an it.
Who was the NIS case agent?
[Tony pulls up the file, and sees Mike Franks.]
What time is it in Mexico right now?
Cantina time.
[McGee and Ziva are trying to find a bullet in pile of vomit]
Well, we could toss a coin. [Ziva gives him a look] Or not. All right, give me some gloves.
You didn't pack the gloves.
I thought you packed the gloves.
[laughs] I didn't pack the gloves.
Ziva thinks that all men are liars.
Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?
Particularly you.
[grins] You think?
Wouldn't go there, Tony.
Oh, watch and weep. True or false: I had eggs for breakfast this morning.
True.
Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.
False.
She's good. My first car was a shiny new red Corvette.
False. Strike three. I win.
[looks bothered] How did -- how did you do that?
When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to your left. A tell-tale sign when people lie.
And the date?
Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it all day.
I would?
Oh yeah.
Okay, but how could you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this morning?
Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy.
Ready to roll, boss!
[walks past as the team grabs their stuff] DiNozzo?
Yeah, boss?
You got egg on your shirt.
[smiles] Not just your shirt...
Women want men to lie to them.
Not true.
[In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."
Want a 24 hour protection detail, DiNozzo, you're team leader.
You're in safe hands Mike.
MMike
I've seen your hands DiNozzo, they don't impress me.
S4 E5Dead And Unburied
[Describing a carpet] Looks like sisal. It's a naturally stiff fiber woven from the leaf of the cactus plant. It doesn't matt, trap dust, build static, makes it ideal for carpeting. Personally, I prefer a good shag. [stares from everyone, while Palmer grins widely] From a purely forensic standpoint, I mean.
We [he and McGee] watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.
He had me at "howdy."
[gasps] You shaved your mustache! I liked you with a little hair on your face.
I've still got my eyebrows.
Good point.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.