(mockingly) Semper Fi.
Goodbye, Cesar.
S3 E19Iced
You're deep moisturizing to bring out your "feminine glow".
I had dry skin, ok? My doctor recommended it.
[laughs mockingly] Haha! Well, you're walking a slippery slope there, Probelicious. Before you know it, you'll be taking bubble baths with your clogs on. [Ziva laughs quietly]
What is wrong with bubble baths?
[walks in and barks at the team before Tony has a chance to reply McGee] Load up!
[...]
Two kids found the First Sergeant floating under 6 inches of ice.
Ice? That means...
You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke?
It was a really good one too.
[They walk into the elevator. McGee notices Gibbs looking at him.]
Something wrong, boss?
Just admiring your feminine glow. [Ziva snickers]
I'm just saying, Probie, the whole metrosexual thing isn't working for you.
I got it, Tony. Joke is over.
Not joking man. We all know that the ladies love a macho man who's in touch with his feminine side, but I gotta tell ya, I think you're coming off a little gay.
Because he uses body lotion and likes to take bubble baths?!
You forget the manicure?
Manicure was only once and that was because I tore a cuticle.
You just set off gaydar across the entire Atlantic seaboard.
Tony I am not gay!
This isn't about orientation. This is about image.
So now your image is homo-pubic?
Term is homo-phobic.
[Ducky sneezes in autopsy]
[to corpse] I suppose a "Bless you" is too much to ask for.
Bless you, Doctor.
I wasn't talking to you, Mr Palmer.
What Tony was saying about me before, you know. Do I come off as unmanly?
[looks at him in surprise] I think Tony was jerking your brain.
Chain? Jerking my chain?
Whatever. I think you're appropriately masculine.
[McGee walks away, satisfied.]
[pauses] However, perhaps not macho. [McGee stops and looks at her] Tony and Gibbs are, uh, "tough guys". Yes, they're...
So I'm not tough.
[walks in] You have to ask.
Downing was on a revenge mission.
First Sergeants don't go on revenge missions, Officer David.
I would. Why not a Marine First Sergeant?
They have more control than you do.
Hey, I know my cholo from my chile. I'll give you the summary. I'll… [slaps Tony's hand] …give you the summary.
Is that man lotion working for you Probie?
Didn't shave today. Trying a new look.
When you say "today", you mean the last couple of minutes or... [examines McGee's face]
Abby seems to like it.
Like what?
Looks nice, McGee. It's very manly.
May I? [touches McGee's chin]
[Tony doesn't notice Gibbs has walked into the squad room]
DiNozzo.
[realizes Gibbs is behind him] Hey Boss.
Why are you touching his face?
[continues feeling McGee's chin] I don't know, it feels good though. It's like a bunny rabbit.
[Gibbs gives Tony a head-slap]
Don't!
[...]
McGee, you're trying too hard. [hands him a bottle of shaving cream]
How was the flight, Lance Corporal?
LCLance Corporal Jose Silva
It was, um… long, sir. How much trouble am I in?
Trouble? Why would you say that?
LCLance Corporal Silva
Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?
You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.
I hope you slept on the plane, Lance Corporal.
Yeah, it's gonna be a long night. You want to get the cash first, or the Iraqi weapons?
[steps on the gas pedal of the car and flooring it] Not scaring you, am I?
I'm fine.
LCLance Corporal Silva
I don't know what you're talking about, sir.
Really? 'Cause you were on leave with First Sergeant Downing, and you were with PFC Reggio the night he was killed in the drive-by shooting.
LCLance Corporal Silva
I can't help a coincidence.
A coincidence, Lance Corporal? Five dead bodies, you're our only link.
Your company, your fellow Marines are stuck in Iraq until we solve this case.
SSilva
You don't think I know that, sir?
He knows. He just doesn't care.
Hey, Silva, you know what? We have names for guys like you when I was on active duty. A Bravo Foxtrot. It's an explicit term for a sexual…
LCLance Corporal Silva
It wasn’t supposed to happen like this!
Like what? [Ziva floors the car; punching it]
LCLance Corporal Silva
If a drive-by killing isn’t solved right away, the cops forget about it. NCIS forgot about it! Private Reggio was my best friend. He died in my arms. I couldn't just let that go, sir.
So you decided to turn a quick buck?
LCLance Corporal Silva
No. I called Sosa to meet… but… but not to sell him any weapons. I wanted blood.
And your First Sergeant found out about it.
LCLance Corporal Silva
I don't know how… but he did. He yanked my leave and restricted me to base.
Then he went to the meeting in your place.
LCLance Corporal Silva
He didn't go down there to kill anyone, sir. He went down there to make peace. To end it. He didn’t want anyone else to get hurt. If I could, I'd switch places with him. I would.
Yeah. Yeah, I think you would, Lance Corporal.
[pretending to be a commander] Men, we are here today for three reasons. 1) We can't find Miguel Sosa. 2) I'm not even sure if he exists. And three-- [Unknown to her, McGee has been standing behind watching]
Who were you talking to?
[marches to McGee] You will address me as sir, soldier!
[looks at Abby in bemusement] Sorry. Who were you talking to, sir?
My army. Major Mass Spec. Captain Comparison Microscope. Ensign--
...isn't an army rank. It's actually Navy.
[annoyed that McGee has interrupted her fantasy] What do you want, McGee?
S3 E20Untouchable
Every time I bring a date home, my neighbor complains about the noise.
What... her shouting "no means no!"? Actually I have the same problem.
Oh, you have surround sound too?
No, I'm what you Americans call a 'screamer', yes?
(looking at McGee who is sleeping) Got any superglue, Abs?
(Gibbs walks in and headslaps Tony)
What did I tell you about that. DiNozzo?
The skin might not grow back.
To assume is to make an enemy of exactitude.
Looks like they're putting decoder rings in cereal boxes again. [the team just stares at him] ...What?
Uh... little before our time, boss.
[doing Sean Connery impression] He has a license to kill, McGee.
He has full diplomatic immunity.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.