Nothing says welcome to manhood as perfectly as a skillful lapdance.
S2 E4Lt. Jane Doe
Unlike the living, when the dead speak, they do not lie.
BBartender
Some man raped and murdered her!? [looks at Tony who has been hitting on her]
It wasn't me!
Hey Boss. Got statements from Seamen Jennings and Wilkins. Can I cut them loose? They've been at sea a long time.
Know where to find them?
Motel at Virginia Beach. Girlfriends are waiting.
Yeah. [Tony signals to the Seamen to leave]
[to Kate] Haven't been with their women in 6 months, 3 weeks and 18 hours. [shudders] Longest I went was 11 days, 6 hours.
I can't believe you actually know these things.
It's a gift.
[Gibbs enters Abby's lab to find McGee lying on the floor fixing the wiring in Abby's computer]
Special Agent Goodwrench?
[Gibbs gets off the phone and notices Kate standing in front of his desk grinning]
Gas pain?
[smile fades away] What? No!
Well, then stop grinning and tell me what you got
When he found the first Jane Doe while jogging, Petty Officer Goetz was in port on a carrier, the Teddy Roosevelt.
[looks through his case files] Agent Dawes interrogated him a number of times, on The Big Stick and here.
The Big Stick?
Teddy Roosevelt. "Talk softly, carry a big stick."
[realizes] Big stick! Cute. [continues] Goetz stayed in the Navy, is a Chief and arrived in Norfolk in the same carrier as the seamen who found our Jane Doe. The "Honest Abe"?
Shall not perish.
What?
Lincoln is not the "Honest Abe". It's "Shall Not Perish".
[bemused] What kind of nickname is "Shall Not Perish"?
[resumes his work] Ask Chief Goetz when you pull him in for questioning.
Ok. [goes back to her desk]
The Emancipator!
[Gibbs looks up at McGee]
That would be a good name for the Abraham Lincoln. [Gibbs looks at him] Since he signed the Emancipation Proclamation.... [Gibbs continues staring him down until McGee realizes and stops talking.]
You touch that, McGee, you'll be singing soprano!
S2 E5The Bone Yard
Anyone ever told you you're an insufferable bastard?
[pleased] Yeah.
FFBI Agent
Are you always a smart-ass?
Only to you boys from the Hoover building.
Realising how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs.
[Kate and Tony go undercover posing as a trashy couple going for a paternity test.]
You writin' my name, right?
What? I just wanna know if it's mine. She kinda sleeps around a lot, if you know what I mean.
If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.
Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.
You slept with my sista!
I thought it was you!
She weighs 300 pounds.
She was wearing your earrings.
RReceptionist
That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? Please? I'm beggin' you.
RReceptionist
There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right.
Thank you. [She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.]
I'm sorry. She slept with my brother. And my best friend. At the same time.
Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that.
You never met his second wife.
JNJimmy Napalitano
I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father, and after the funerals I'll kill you.
No brothers. No uncles. My father passed years ago. I do have three ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. [we hear the sound of Jimmy hanging up] Huh! He hung up!
[Tony and Gibbs are sparring in the boxing ring]
Learned how to box in the Marines?
No. Corps doesn't teach boxing.
[grins] That's your loss!
[Gibbs floors Tony with a single move]
They teach fighting.
[Kate has McGee pinned on the floor]
Have I mentioned that I was hand-picked to protect the President of the United States?
Five times!
[Tony comes up to them to gawk at McGee]
Are you gonna take that abuse McGee?
No! [flips Kate over and pins her on the floor]
I like it McGee! Why were you holding back?
Well you...I mean I've never wrestled--
A girl? [to Tony] Tony, I look like a girl to you?
All I see are two NCIS special agents.
Me, too!
[She kicks McGee in the crotch, Tony cringes.]
[hangs up his phone] Training's over. We're headed to Quantico. Guy tried to outrun a 500-pound bomb.
And?
He lost.
[Kate follows Gibbs out. McGee is still on the floor, groaning in pain]
[attempting to comfort McGee] She had three older brothers growing up. I think there's some unresolved issues there.
Ya think?!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's NCIS pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.