Abby Sciuto quotes from NCIS

McGee

[on the phone with his mechanic] You told me my car would be ready by the end of today...

Tony

One octave or two?

McGee

Listen up, because this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna take the first estimate and you're gonna reduce it by 10 percent. Then you're going to find my part, install my part and have my car parked upfront and ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.

Tony

Wow. Who'd guess McGee would grow a pair in a women's prison?

McGee

I put away killers for a living, that's what I do. Now you do exactly as I told you and we won't have any problems, understood? Good, clock's ticking.

Abby

Wow, McGee, your time in the big house really changed you. I like it!

Palmer

You're very calm.

Abby

I am. If I keep going to Crazytown every time one of you gets hurt, I'm going to have to have my mail forwarded.

Abby

Ducky!

Ducky

Abby? Oh, how nice of you to visit.

Abby

Oh, they gave you morphine?

Ducky

Just a drop.

Gibbs

Duck, can you tell me anything about the woman who attacked you?

Ducky

My... my glasses?

Ducky

Oh, how nice of you to have held on to them while I went under the knife. Ironic, isn't it, that one knife should be the solution to... Mr. Palmer, would you please finish that thought for me?

Palmer

Sure, doctor.

Ducky

And you'll need to send for a replacement medical examiner. Uh, Jordan...

Palmer

Dr. Hampton?

Ducky

Yes. On my desk you'll find her number. While I myself lie here, getting much "numb-er." [chuckles] Nurse, more anesthetic, and don't spare the horses...

Abby

Okay, he's zonked out of his gourd, and he's still playing with words. Impressive.

Abby

Come on, baby, talk to me.

Ziva

[enters with a] Fingerprint sheet.

Abby

Oh, hey. I was just talking to the knife. You want to talk knives?

Ziva

Always.

Tony

Hey, talk to me, Abs! Here you go. [Hands her a Caf-Pow!]

Abby

Thank you, Gibbs.

Tony

Abby?

Abby

I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.

Tony

Abby?

Abby

The room was, luckily, really clean, because, you know, hotel rooms, they can be a forensic scientists' biggest nightmare, Gibbs.

Tony

Abby! I'm not Gibbs!

Abby

Yes, you are, because if you're not, there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita spraining her ankle after the sixth frame, and Mr. Giggles escaping --

Tony

Mr. Giggles?!

Abby

Stay on topic, Gibbs.

Tony

Not Gibbs!

Abby

Okay. Tell me. I can take it.

Tony

Well, he's just upstairs --

Abby

Wait! I can't.

Tony

Rule 38. [Indicating that if it's your case, you're the boss]

Abby

Oh! [smiles brightly]

Gibbs

Abs, what do you got?

Abby

I am not at liberty to discuss the details of Director Vance's case with you. And I would certainly hope that you wouldn't try to bribe me.

Gibbs

I wouldn't do that. [he sets a Caf-pow next to her]

Abby

Because I can't say a word about the five slugs that Ducky pulled out of Owens' body. Not that there's a word to say, 'cause I don't even know if these .45 cal S&Ws are a match to the weapon that was found in the deceased's pocket. Not that I would tell you if they are. I'm assuming that your curiosity is for educational purposes. After Ducky does the autopsy we should be able to calculate how long that accumulated post mortem gasses took to counteract the weight that kept Owens submerged.

Gibbs

Abs, music?

Abby

I know. I can barely stand it. I can't focus, it's effecting my cognitive function, I'm getting agitated. It's not for me. It's for them. [indicating maggots in a jar] I'm playing classical music for babies. It's supposed to increase their spatiotemporal reasoning and increase intelligence. [sighs] If I keep listening to this, I'm gonna turn into a psycho killer.

Abby

[imitating Gibbs] Gear up!

Tony

You're not Gibbs.

Abby

[imitating Gibbs] There's a gun found at a Navy base housing.

McGee

Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call-out. A: There are thousands of guns on a Navy base..

Tony

..and B: You're not Gibbs.

Abby

Ok, what if I told you that the base MP's gave me the gun to test.

McGee

Doesn't warrant a team call-out. [Ziva and Tony shake their heads in unison]

Abby

And the gun was found under a kid's bed. And, it was loaded.

Ziva

Still does not warrant a call-out.

Abby

And it was recently fired.

It's not a call-out!

Gibbs

[walking into the office] You heard the lady. Gear up!

Abby

They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip. [hands coffee to Gibbs] Only you can drink the swill.

McGee

Abby, no one was hurt. Tony and Ziva are fine.

Abby

They're not fine! Not as long as someone is leaking information! I mean, how else would Siravo have known about our meeting with Flores and that we had Perry? [McGee shrugs] See?? No one is safe until I find this leak.

McGee

Any luck?

Abby

No! There were no unusual outgoing calls from the NCIS switchboard. I ran all the phone numbers for everyone with knowledge of the crime: Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, you, me, home, cell and office.

McGee

You ran your own home phone records?

Abby

Yeah. Gibbs orders.

Abby

The rest of it is mostly spreadsheets, bank accounts and porn... spreadsheets and porn, that's two totally different things.

Gibbs

Yeah, I already know that, Abs.

Abby

Okay, I was just checking.

Abby

Oh, I remember those days. When I was carefree and full of joy. I envy you, Tony.

Tony

Why are you dressed for a funeral, Abby?

McGee

Is everything okay?

Abby

No. Frank is sick.

Ziva

Who is Frank?

Abby

My mandibular second molar. It's been killing me for a week. I'm finally going to the dentist.

Tony

You name your teeth?

Abby

You don't?

Abby

Heller made the bullet and I made the gun.

Tony

Huh. Assassination made easy, but I mean really, a gun would be easier.

Gibbs

He didn't build it to kill someone.

Tony

He built it to sell it.

Abby

[sarcastically] Perfect. Hi, I'm Abby Sciuto: International bio-weapons dealer.

Abby

Did I miss it?

Ziva

No, he's letting him sit.

Abby

Sit?! He gets a chair? He -- he kills bunnies!!

Abby

Are you going somewhere?

Gibbs

Yeah. That's what I came down here to tell you. Los Angeles.

Abby

Into the lionesses den?!

Gibbs

[Kisses her cheek] I'm taking McGee.

Abby

Gibbs. It's just last time you guys went to L.A. one of you didn't come back.

Gibbs

I'll bring him home, Abs. [Walks away]

Abby

Just make sure you bring yourself back, too.

Tony

Get any more hits on our secret thing?

Abby

Do you know how busy I've been?

Tony

I know how busy you've been.

Abby

Okay, just asking. We got one hit, but it is a doozy. Guy on the right, Michael Rivkin, our supposed Israeli banker. Guy on the left, director of Mossad, Eli David. Also known as --

Tony

Ziva's father.

Abby

She must know Rivkin.

Tony

You don't ask her. You don't breathe a word of this, Abby. [Deletes file]

Abby

Tony.

Tony

I mean it.