Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

His goose is cooked.

You would get that one right.

S3 E10 Probie

View quote →

McGee

Tony, I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop, Gibbs was a Marine sniper, Kate protected the President of the United States... God only knows what Ziva did with Mossad. My background is biomedical engineering and computer forensics. I don't think I'm cut out to be a field agent.

The first time I shot at someone... I wet my pants.

McGee

Really?

Really.

[McGee lets out a little laugh.]

If you tell anyone that, I will slap you silly.

S3 E10 Probie

View quote →

[catches Ziva laughing at a reality TV show] I thought this show was just mindless entertainment?

It's called research, Tony, and I am merely looking for a lead.

Well, this is just the beginning. Before you know it, you'll be sitting at home, eating a large box of chocolates, watching the Food Network on your 50 inch plasma.

We're not all so easily corrupted. Take McGee for example. He's been raised in America for his entire life and he barely turns the television on. Tell him, McGee!

Yeah, tell him, McGee.

McGee

Well, it depends on what you consider rarely. I might watch 20 minutes here or there.

Tell her what you do the rest of the time, probie.

McGee

That's not TV.

He pretends to be a fairy in an online computer game.

[shocked]

McGee

It's an elf lord.

[laughing] Whatever.

Keller didn't commit suicide, he was murdered. [looks at Ziva and Tony] What the hell are you two doing?! Find out why!

McGee

Boss, I think I might have something.

...Are you waiting for me to guess, elf lord?

S3 E11 Model Behavior

View quote →

Now, if you gentlemen will excuse me...

McGee

Where are you going?

I've been locked in a box with Tony all day. The ladies' room!

S3 E12 Boxed In

View quote →

Abby

You're not the only one that came into work dressed differently today.

McGee

I saw Tony and Ziva.

Abby

I was talking about me! Here's a hint...I'm not one of Village People!

McGee

Oh no, the habitat for humanity was this weekend? Abby, Abby I'm so sorry, okay I'm sorry I completely forgot. You must hate me!

Abby

(meaning she is still in love with him) I could never hate you McGee. (Places her hardhat on his head) Don't let it happen again.

S3 E13 Deception

View quote →

Like my father always said: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony, she may end up being a homicidal maniac."

McGee

Your father actually said that to you?

No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.

Probably he knew your taste in women.

S3 E14 Light Sleeper

View quote →

Sensitivity training is gonna have to wait. Double homicide at Quantico. Marine wives. [to Tony, McGee and Ziva] Grab your gear!

[Tony is discreetly showing his joy]

Yes!

[McGee and Tony turn and look at her]

Inappropriate?

McGee

A bit.

That and you're probably the reasons why we have to take these stupid classes.

Today!

On your six Boss!

S3 E14 Light Sleeper

View quote →

[McGee is walking down the hall wiping his tie and bumps into Gibbs, accidentally spilling his coffee]

McGee

Uh, Boss...I'm sorry, I didn't see you....

What did I say about apologizing McGee?

McGee

Sign of weakness.

So is barfing on your tie.

S3 E14 Light Sleeper

View quote →

A good investigator doesn't sit back and wait. You run down every angle, every lead. Assume everything you've been told is a lie until it checks out.

McGee

You got it.

There's only one time I want you to stop, McGee.

McGee

When you tell me.

When you're satisfied. [points to McGee] When you're satisfied.

S3 E14 Light Sleeper

View quote →

This is not one of your stupid action movies, Tony.

No it isn't, if it was you'd be dressed differently.

And you'd be far better-looking.

(McGee laughs)

You'd be dead by the opening credits.

(Ziva laughs)

McGee

Ever stop to think that maybe I am the plucky comic relief?

S3 E14 Light Sleeper

View quote →

McGee

Boss, did you find her?

Yeah McGee, she's hiding in my coffee cup.

S3 E14 Light Sleeper

View quote →

Open that up, Probie.

McGee

No, you open it.

Who's the senior field agent?

McGee

Gibbs?

In this room, who's the senior field agent? [McGee is still hesitant] Open it! Chucklehead.

S3 E15 Head Case

View quote →

This guy's apartment makes McGee's look like the Four Seasons.

McGee

Woah, what is wrong with my home?

Uh, there's nothing that a bulldozer and few coats of paint wouldn't fix.

[Tony and McGee argue, Gibbs smacks both of them in the head]

I'm shutting up, Boss.

S3 E15 Head Case

View quote →

She asked you out? You?!

McGee

Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.

Trust me, you're not.

S3 E16 Family Secret

View quote →

That wasn't the way it looked, boss.

I know. I know.

The director kinda suckered me into that deal.

Ziva caved first.

I didn't cave in! I was trying --

McGee next.

McGee

It wasn't --

And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.

Well I --