Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

McGee

You know what's funny? Give your taste buds a breather, suddenly vegetables become a whole lot more tasty.

Tony

[sarcastically] Hilarious.

Bishop

[after Tony notices McGee hasn't shaved] I think beards are sexy. [Tony gives her a funny look] Can an NCIS agent grow one?

Tony

[to Bishop] Not you!

McGee

I'm not growing a beard. [...] I went back to the doctor's this morning. She told me I have pseudofolliculitis.

Tony

Is that a Mary Poppins song?

McGee

An internet security seminar? You?? Am I being punk'd?

Tony

No. Think about it. Who do you know that surfs more questionable websites than yours truly?

Bishop

Not something to be proud of.

McGee

You've a good point. That's what you get for being a misogynist. What do you get if you kick a dog? A trip to Hawaii?

Tony

Death by Abby.

Abby

So what, McGee, you don't check your e-mail anymore?

McGee

What? Did you send me something?

Abby

Yes, a satellite image!

McGee

[checks his e-mail] Abby, this e-mail just came through two minutes ago.

Tony

Two minutes is two years in Abby time. You know that.

Abby

[gleefully] Hairs, hairs, hairs!

McGee

[to Bishop] She really likes it when they're hairs.

Abby

I do, because a hair is worth a thousand words.

McGee

You mind if we search it?

Yeah. Yeah, I do. I need probable cause. I don't think you meet that threshold.

McGee

[looks at Gibbs in amusement] You a law student?

Criminology major

Gibbs

Good. But today you're gonna get a practical education to see how the system really works firsthand.

McGee

I read somewhere that NASA's sending data to the moon at 662 megabits per second. Word is, if by using each color on the light spectrum, that transfer speed could be multiplied. [Dr. Havana stares at McGee] Johns Hopkins. And MIT.

Bishop

Humblebrag.

Don't worry, I'm a Caltech man. Sworn enemies don't get extra credit.

Bishop

Aren't both of your mascots beavers?

McGee

The trainee returns. How did it go?

Bishop

[exhales] I don't want to talk about it.

McGee

That good, huh?

Bishop

I just spent the last hour on the choppiest helo ride of my life, clutching a dead body so it didn't shift, because the tie-down rings were loose. It was the high point of my morning.

Bishop

What'd we do...boss?

McGee

Please stop calling me that.

Ducky

[talking to the corpse in his autopsy room] I know in the end we all must die. I'm not a religious person but I find desecration of the human body to be positively indecent.

McGee

[walks in holding coffee] Well, pirates aren't known for their decency, Duck.

Ducky

[stares at McGee, speechless] Uh....

McGee

Is something wrong?

Ducky

No, Timothy, but I request that you dispense with the coffee before joining me.

Abby

Gosh, I just got chills.

McGee

Why is that?

Abby

You're just....changing...right in front of our eyes. Your gruff manner, your clipped replies. You're no longer McGee. You're McGibbs.

Bishop

Didn't know you practiced yoga.

Tony

Oh yeah, balanced mind, balanced life. I've been reading Sting's biography. He's a Renaissance man.

McGee

[via microphone] Please, I just ate.

Tony

I reject your negative energy, McGee.

McGee

Abs, I have pulled two all-nighters in a row and I've nothing left to give.

Palmer

[enters Abby's lab with two Caf-Pows] I have two things left to give and they're both Caf-Pows. [hands Abby and McGee the drinks] Pow! Pow!

Abby

Jimmy, you are a lifesaver. [glares at McGee] You. Drink.

McGee

[whispering urgently] Boss? Boss!

Diane

[entering] How long does it take to...? [sees] Holy Fourth of July Weenie Roast, WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?!

McGee

When we're done here, we gotta bag all of our clothes, ok? Everything. There's this stuff called urushiol. It's in the sap, it's spreads by contact.

Bishop

That what??

McGee

Uru–– [exasperated] Just trust me, ok?

Bishop

Bad poison oak experience?

McGee

Yeah. Two of them. Thanks to Tony. Forget the trifecta. I'll never hear the end of it.