Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Ellie Bishop

[confused] What just happened? Did I do something wrong?

Tony

No, you just passed your first test. Rhoda from HR. [whispers] Legendary.

McGee

But don't get too kind. Still gotta take that polygraph.

Bishop

I have to take another polygraph??!

Tony

Uh-hmm. And then all you have to do is survive Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. In case you haven't heard the man––

Bishop

[in a low voice] Is actually coming up behind you right now.

McGee

[glares at Bishop] You're not supposed to do that.

Bishop

[crestfallen] What do I do now???

Tony

[smirks] You've made a friend.

Ducky

[enters crime scene with Palmer] It's been a brutal week. I have a chill I just can't shake.

Palmer

Me too. Anybody mind if I do some jumping jacks?

Yes!

Bishop

So Agent Fornell was married to Gibbs' ex-wife?

Tony

[grins] Yup.

Bishop

And the owner of the second cellphone from our crime scene was dating Gibbs' ex-wife?

McGee

Yup.

Bishop

Phoah. That's quite a coincidence.

Tony

[chuckles] I know. It really is.

McGee

You know, it's hard to imagine the same woman liking Fornell and this Eddie guy. Although maybe Diane liked him because he's not Fornell.

Best to leave the psychoanalysis to Ducky. If you value breathing.

McGee

[looks behind to Bishop] Bishop, you could've warned me.

Bishop

[innocently] You said I wasn't supposed to do that!

Gibbs

[walks in] Tobias, hey, what are you doing here?

Just thought you might need some help. Diane's really worried. Just want to put her mind at ease.

Gibbs

[smirks] Yeah, uh-huh.

You shot me... in the caboose. You owe me.

Ellie Bishop

Are you ok, McGee?

McGee

Was just thinking about little Emma here and the Dalys, they must be so happy

Bishop

Yeah and I feel bad about scaring them the way I did.

McGee

You still haven't gotten over that?

Bishop

Well, like they didn't have enough on their plates without me suggesting a "targeted chemical attack".

Tony

I've done worse. [Bishop looks at him] And McGee? [points to McGee] He's...remember the time with the–– [McGee looks at Tony] I'm not gonna talk about it but it's.....it's been done. You just have to move on. You made a mistake.

Bishop

A big mistake.

Gibbs

Learn from it. Move on.

Tony

Leroy Ebenezer Gibbs, did we just agree on something?

Gibbs

[deadpan, retorts] Hey! Bob Cratchit, find patient zero, huh?

Tony

And a playful movie reference. It really is starting to feel like Christmas.

Probie!!

McGee

When we call, it usually means you come to us.

Bishop

At first, "Probie" sounded endearing and cute. Doesn't anymore.

Tony

Missing driver, go.

Bishop

He was a disgusting slob who lived in his truck. I found his dirty clothes, his dirty mattress, and his... dirty, dirty porn. This is all part of the rookie hazing thing, huh?

Tony

It's not hazing.

McGee

It's part of the job.

McGee

[sees Ducky, Palmer and Bishop trying to secure the baby car seat in a car] How long have they been at it?

Abby

[sighs] Like an hour. I heard Ducky cursed and...I mean, well, I think I did. I'm not that familiar with British profanity...

Gibbs

How's your love life, DiNozzo?

Tony

Huh?

Gibbs

You still seeing the secretary?

McGee

He means Andrea.

Bishop

Andrea. Hmm. Who's Andrea?

Tony

Andrea. Oh yeah. Yeah. She's uh, I mean, it's kind of on an as-needed basis.

Friends with benefits?

Gibbs

Yeah well those aren't benefits like dental insurance.

McGee

It's a voodoo doll that looks just like you, right down to the insincere grin. What's the note say?

Tony

Little Tony will bring you good luck and happiness. That's not funny. There's nothing funny about voodoo, ever since I saw "Live and Let Die" when I was a kid.

McGee

It's a doll. It's a stuffed toy.

Tony

So was Chucky.

McGee

[he and Gibbs find Tony in the equipment storage closet] Tony, what are you doing in the closet?

Tony

[grins sheepishly] Finding myself.

Is this about animal control?

McGee

We're tracking a man who's selling illegal Mexican chinchillas. They breed with common house rats and their offspring are especially dangerous, violent. [Landlord looks mortified] Did he leave anything behind?

No...no, no...in fact he was the first tenant who actually cleared, left the whole place smelling like bleach.

McGee

[looks at Tony] Bleach.

Does that mean somethin'???

McGee

Dissolves chinchilla fur.

Ohhhh. You guys...you're not gonna tear up the floor or anything, right?

Tony

[awkwardly] Oh...well...you hope not, but...sometimes...I mean...probably not.

I mean, it's not Taj Mahal but no reason to make it worse.

McGee

I can't believe she convinced Gibbs to go along with this.

Tony

Not an easy task.

Tony

You ever see Tango & Cash?

McGee

It involve a conspiracy.

Tony

Yes it did, and this is FUBAR.

McGee

Thanks to Jones, we're able to see local ISP access.

Abby

And somewhere the head of Leroy Jethro Gibbs explodes.

Are there violent chinchilla babies here, too?

McGee

They were here, but we got rid of them.