Timothy McGee quotes from NCIS

Ziva

Agent Lisson is all the help I need. We work like peas in a poke, like yogurt and garlic, like-- [Gibbs gives her a funny look]

McGee

There's pigs in a poke and peas in a pod but..

Tony

Yogurt and garlic??

Ziva

It's a Middle Eastern staple.

Tony

[sarcastically] Which I'm sure we're gonna find in all the best Colombian restaurants. [Gibbs laughs]

Palmer

You guys, just give me one hint as to what Abby has planned. It is my bachelor party, okay? I have a right to know.

Tony

Sorry. She swore us to secrecy, and she scares me more than you.

Palmer

God. I think I made a big mistake making her my best man.

McGee

Relax, Jimmy. Everything is fine. Just make sure you're up on your hepatitis vaccinations.

Palmer

Hepatitis?

Tony

And get a good pair of knee pads.

McGee

And a good helmet.

Palmer

[laughs nervously] You guys are messing with me.

Tony

Are we? Two words.

McGee

Abby Sciuto.

Tony

You can't tell me Midge didn't like me because I'm not a woman.

Ziva

Let it go, Tony. Midge liked you just fine, she just thought you were occasionally annoying.

Tony

Annoying? That's almost worse.

McGee

You're more like high maintenance. You know, always switching from the hip holster to the shoulder to the ankle.

Ziva

Changing from the Glock 17 to the 23 and then back again.

Tony

You know, what's high maintenance about that? I like a certain holster. I like a certain gun.

Ziva

The most remarkable thing about him was how unremarkable he was.

McGee

And whatever the motive for his murder is.

Gibbs

You got nothing.

Tony

Sounds worse when you say it like that.

Gibbs

Not worse. Wrong. We got something. Got a dead Marine [walks past Ziva, Tony and McGee, who all look uncomfortable]

Ziva

So you two did end up going out last night.

Tony

How did you know about that?

Ziva

I have hearing like a horse.

McGee

Hawk.

Ziva

A horse's hearing, McGee, is one of their keenest senses. Which is why you must "horsewhisper".

McGee

Kris Taylor?

No...he's not here. Is something wrong?

Ziva

[sarcastically] Yes. It is 3pm and we just woke you up. Do your parents know what they're paying for?

Tony

[as he walks into the squad room from the elevator] The sweet smell of recycled air, the hot glare of an annoying skylight, the weird whir of a broken fax machine, another day in paradise!

Ziva

[amused] Well, somebody woke up on the far side of the bed.

Tony

Actually, I sort of did, Ziva. [sarcastically] Thanks to my annoying new neighbors who kept me awake until 5 o'clock this morning.

McGee

Screamers?

Tony

The screamers. Third night in a row.

Ziva

I had neighbors once who never stopped fighting.

Tony

Not that kind of screamer Ziva.

Tony

Ok, ok, have your chuckles. By the way, that was a very good look back in the day.

McGee

For a Bible salesman!

Ziva

Tony, if I were you I would burn that film because you do not want anymore of these getting out there.

Tony

It shouldn't have gotten out at all but it did, thanks to McSnoop Dog here. Now listen, give me that picture because Gibbs cannot get his hands on this, do you understand me?

Gibbs

[walks into squad room] Nice look, helmet-head.

Tony

Hey Boss. It is a transitional phase. You know, the 80's.

McGee

Last I heard, you were teaching computational evolutionary biology.

Was. Burned out, man. But I found my calling: trash! Crazy, right? Hey, you know you can learn more about mankind from what it throws away than you can in any classroom?

May 2, 2-0-1-1. That'd be in... G sector. [points] And by now about 30 feet under. We had a break-in that night. Police came to investigate, shared a laugh... what would anyone steal from a dump?

McGee

[trades a look with Tony] I think we may have the answer.

Tony

Yeah. I know you're a smart guy, Stewie, but how do you remember the exact date of the break-in?

Everybody remembers where they were that day. Don't you? It was the night the Navy SEAL team took out bin Laden.

Tony

Playing? Instead of studying?

Studying?

Tony

Yeah Dorneget. For your GS-11 exam?

What is that? [looks at everyone blankly]

McGee

It's a test that probies used to have to take to become agents. It hasn't been given in years. Gibbs is the last agent I know that took it.

Tony

Ah ah ah. The word is that Director Vance is reinstating that test.

You're messing with me.

Ziva

No he is not. I heard the same thing from Hollander in HR. I'm glad I did not have to take it.

Tony

Whew it's tough. [Ziva secretly smiles] Comprehensive, covers all the rules. Brigs, procedures, it's all in the manuals which you're gonna have to learn by heart. Here comes Vance. You can ask him yourself.

McGee

Listen, don't let him "probie" you.

What?

McGee

I've been there, Dorney. Tony's gonna pull rank.

I can handle him.

McGee

Watch your back Dorney. [gives him an ominous look]

Tony

Dorneget, you're supposed to beat the senior field agent to work.

I'm so sorry but the front desk called me at like 3am.

Tony

Why?

They said I ordered a wake-up call. Can you believe that? It took me forever to get back to sleep and I guess I slept in. I'm sorry Agent DiNozzo. I promise it won't happen again.

Tony

It's Tony when we're on stake out. The idea is we're supposed to blend in.

Right.

Tony

[deadpan] Speaking of which, what in the name of Brooks Brothers are you wearing? You look like exactly what you are. A pubescent federal agent. [Dorneget fidgets, looking extremely uncomfortable]

Ziva

How is Dorneget doing?

Tony

[smiles] He is an easier mark than McGee. I pulled the old 3am wake-up on him.

McGee

Of course you did.

Ziva

[laughs] Give him a break Tony!

Ziva

Anything new on the nanny front?

McGee

Not that I've heard. Vance's search enters its second week.

Tony

Which left his agents feeling like a gaggle of nuns waiting on white smoke from the Vatican chimney.

You boys have four seconds!

Tony

Excuse me? Four seconds for what?

McGee

Tony, run!

Tony

Zeus! Apollo!