Ziva David quotes from NCIS

Ziva

Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate's copy of ARES?

Tony

Pirated copy.

Ziva

That's what I said.

Tony

No, you said pirate's copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...

Ziva

Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?

Tony

Johnny Depp.

Ziva

He's a pirate?

Tony

No, he's an actor.

Ziva

Oh.

Tony

How did we get here?

Ziva

I drove.

Ziva

This is going to be like looking for a needle in a needle stack

Tony

Needle in a haystack.

Ziva

I like my description better.

Tony

[as Ziva enters] Oh, this should be interesting. Goliath, I'd like you to meet one of our Israeli friends.

Ziva

[in Hebrew] You are a traitor to our country and our people.

[in Hebrew] I never sell weapons to Hamas or Hezbollah!

Ziva

[in English] You sell to people who do!

Tony

You're lucky she doesn't have her slingshot.

Zaire? You are taking me to Zaire?

Ziva

You sold a shipment of RPGs to their army. They were very disappointed with the quality of the merchandise.

Tony

I believe the President himself is eager to discuss how you stiffed him.

Ziva

He, in turn, has some information Mossad needs...

Tony

And we owe Mossad a favor since they told us you were in D.C., so here we are. We deliver you to Zaire, the President gives Mossad the information it needs, and everyone is happy.

Ziva

[eyeing Goliath] Well, not everyone.

[desperate] Please, I-I am very wealthy. I have diamonds!

Tony

[pretends to wince] Ooh, you had diamonds. This jet is very expensive, and somebody had to pay for it.

Ziva

At Mossad we have a saying: Knives don't run out of bullets. Now, any questions pertaining to this class?

Tony

I've got one. You ever killed anyone with a spoon?

Ziva

No, but I am seriously considering it.

Ziva

I thought you said you grew up around weapons?

I did. I didn't say my father let me near them.

Gibbs

McGee, you find any more maggots crawling around you bag them for evidence.

McGee

Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.

Ziva

You're afraid of bugs, McGee?

McGee

Bugs, no. Wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes.

Ziva

Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.

McGee

How'd you get over it?

Ziva

I've found that if you are hungry enough they actually don't taste that bad.

Abby

I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence. Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.

Ziva

Hi. you talk to your Mass Spectrometer?

Abby

Ya, sometimes. Why?

McGee

You challenged it to a duel.

Abby

Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now.

McGee

Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated card) Did you find anything yet?

Abby

When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here! Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place.

McGee

Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.

Abby

Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.

Gibbs

(walks in with a Caf-Pow) Not all the time.

Tony

It's almost unfair interrogating junkies.

Ziva

It's like shooting fish in a pond.

I um… I think you mean a barrel.

Ziva

Why would a fish be in a barrel?

Um... I, um... it's a good point. I never really thought about it before.

Ziva

Mm-hmm.

Ziva

Where are WE going?

Tony

We're not going anywhere.

Ziva

Who are you taking, McGee?

David

I, I cannot believe you forgot.

Oh my god, this is where your grandmother choked to death on veal.

Ziva

This is killing me. I feel like I know him.

Tony

Mossad?

Ziva

Maybe.

Tony

Internet dating?

Ziva

I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip.

Tony

Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?

Ziva

Male nurse?

Tony

No, Aquasmurf.

Roy

Sorry, felt a little dizzy.

Ziva

I have to get you into bed. Oh, I ...

Roy

I'm not saying anything.

Ziva

Sorry, it's the English.

Ziva

I have been working for thirty straight hours!

McGee

This is my fourth cup of the day!

Tony

Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.

Ziva

Thanks.