Ziva David quotes from NCIS

McGee

Ziva thinks that all men are liars.

Tony

Really? Ha, so if I were to lie to you, you would be able to tell?

Ziva

Particularly you.

Tony

[grins] You think?

McGee

Wouldn't go there, Tony.

Tony

Oh, watch and weep. True or false: I had eggs for breakfast this morning.

Ziva

True.

Tony

Lucky guess. Last night, I had a date with a very beautiful woman.

Ziva

False.

Tony

She's good. My first car was a shiny new red Corvette.

Ziva

False. Strike three. I win.

Tony

[looks bothered] How did -- how did you do that?

Ziva

When you said you had a red Corvette, you looked down and to your left. A tell-tale sign when people lie.

Tony

And the date?

Ziva

Tony, if you had gone out with a beautiful woman last night, you would have talked about it all day.

Tony

I would?

McGee

Oh yeah.

Tony

Okay, but how could you possibly know that I had eggs for breakfast this morning?

Gibbs

Gear up! Got a message from a dead guy.

Tony

Ready to roll, boss!

Gibbs

[walks past as the team grabs their stuff] DiNozzo?

Tony

Yeah, boss?

Gibbs

You got egg on your shirt.

Ziva

[smiles] Not just your shirt...

Tony

Women want men to lie to them.

Ziva

Not true.

Tony

[In feminine voice] "Honey, does my butt look big in these pants to you?" [In masculine voice] "Actually, yes, sweetheart. Your butt looks as big as Alabama. Didn't want to say anything, but you got the 'Bama butt going on."

What's going on? Hey! Hey! Stop pointing the gun at my wife!

Ziva

She tried to rat on us.

Tony

She means rabbit.

Ziva

Rabbit, yes!

...and I can only think of one explanation. It was the hand of God!

Ziva

[to Tony] Can Gibbs arrest God?

Tony

I don't know. It's like The Thing trying to bring in The Hulk.

Tony

Much better. Before I smelled like dirt and sweat. Now I smell like dirt, sweat..[looks at bottle label]...and sandalwood.

Ziva

[enters building] Good morning! [spots Tony at her desk] What are you doing at my desk?

Tony

Couldn't find my deodorant so I used yours.

Ziva

No you didn't.

Tony

Yeah we're partners. What's the big deal?

Ziva

A hair! [throws bottle into her trashcan]

Tony

Come on. You attach electrodes to men's testicles and you're getting squeamish about a hair? I'm not gonna feel bad. Those ground radar techs didn't show 'till dawn. McGee and I watched the sunrise together. It was very Brokeback Mountain.

McGee

He had me at "howdy."

Ziva

How romantic. I'm sorry I missed it.

Ziva

Shooting someone in broad daylight is just dumb.

Gibbs

You're not thinking like a jealous woman, Ziva.

Tony

What does your gut tell you Boss?

Gibbs

[typing at his computer, nods to McGee] Take your shirt off.

Tony

Here we go.

McGee

[stares at Gibbs] I know it's kinda messy...

Gibbs

Your shirt McGee. Take it off, now.

Gibbs

Take it down to Abby. [McGee stares at him] Or would you rather wait for a search warrant?

McGee

Rebecca's DNA [desperately to Tony] Can I borrow one of your shirts?

Tony

[smiles at him] You're afraid all that white might burn out Abby's corneas?

McGee

Do not make me walk around like a sold date. Come on, help me out.

Tony

All right. I can't resist a damsel in distress. [takes shirt off and hands it to McGee] Here, take this. I'll get a fresh one.

Ziva

[smirking from her desk] Wow. It's just like Chippendales. Without the bow ties or muscles.

Ziva

The boy saw a car leaving the scene that looked like a "Karuma." I'm not familiar with the model.

Gibbs

"Karuma" is Japanese for "car," Ziva.

Tony

Your description of the car is "car." Nice work, Officer David.

McGee

The Karuma's the name of a car in Grand Theft Auto III. It's a Chrysler Sebring Sedan.

Tony

McGeek with the save!

Gibbs

Marital problems?

Ziva

Well, according to someone called Scuttle Butt, he caught his wife cheating on him.

Gibbs

Scuttlebutt's not a person, Ziva. Scuttlebutt is what Marines call gossip.

Ziva

And you wonder why I have a problem with your language.

Ducky

You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.

Ziva

They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in this documentary that Tony forced me to watch; Grizzly Man?

Ducky

Yes, well, I was referring to the mother bear's protective instincts when her cubs are threatened. There is no more dangerous creature in the world.

Ziva

I agree. They also ate the man who shot the footage, and his girlfriend.

Ducky

Well, that's perfectly dreadful.

Ziva

That's what I said to Tony!

Ducky

What does Gibbs think?

Ziva

I don't know. He isn't speaking to me.

Ducky

Well, chin up, my dear. It could be worse.

Ziva

How?

Ducky

He could be a bear.

Ziva

What happened to them?

Tony

I told you, it's Halloween.

Ducky

Sorry we're late, we had a run-in with some local youths.

Gibbs

Yeah, I can see that.

McGee

Did you get a good look at 'em?

Ducky

Oh, we did better than that. (to Palmer) Release the captives!

Where are we? We said we're sorry!

Tony

Nice work, Palmer!

Palmer

Oh, it wasn't me, Tony. Dr. Mallard chased them three blocks!

Ducky

You know what they say about a mother bear and her cubs.

Ziva

They eat them when the food runs out. I saw it in a documentary Tony forced me to watch; Grizzly Man?

Ducky

I was referring to a mother bear's protective nature when her cubs are threatened. There is no deadlier creature on the planet.

Ziva

I agree. They also ate the man who shot the footage, and his girlfriend.

Ducky

Yeah well, that's perfectly dreadful.

Ziva

That's what I said to Tony!

Ducky

My point is Laurie Niles may have been trying to protect her daughter. The husband filed for separation, another man was claiming to be the child's father.

Ziva

She didn't want to lose or share custody of Sarah.

Ducky

That's one possibility. What does Gibbs think?

Ziva

Hard to tell, he's currently not talking to me.

Ducky

Well, chin up, dear it could be worse.

Ziva

How?

Ducky

He could be a bear.

Tony

Did I miss something?

Ziva

Gibbs just found his fourth ex-wife.

Tony

Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?

Ziva

I can disarm it.

Tony

Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.

Ziva

If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.

Tony

Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva! [running after her] This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!

Ziva

Then why are you following me, Tony?

Tony

I don't frickin' know!

Tony

[watching as Ziva disarms a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.

Ziva

I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.

Tony

What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.

Ziva

I'm talking about you, and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.

Tony

Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now.

Ziva

See anything good?

Tony

Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying -- [winces as Ziva cuts a wire] -- over.

Ziva

Not worth dying over. [zips up her jacket] I'll remember that.

Tony

What if I said it was?

Ziva

Now you'll never know.