TonyComputer monitors, clandestine meetings in Vance's office; you're up to something, McDevious. I can tell. Wait a second! Are you finally getting that sex change operation? Good for you, McGee. Or is it McShe? No judgement! I'm proud of you.
Look, Director Vance offered me a job promotion, okay? As head of the cyber division in Okinawa.
Tony
That's it?
Tony
Well everybody knows that, Tim. Good for you. It's fantastic. You've gotta take that opportunity. The last cyber agent? He's at Microsoft now.
Yeah, as head of security. The guy's a rockstar.
Tony
Let's not get carried away.
Why are you being so normal about all this? Your sincerity is disconcerting.
Tony
You prefer I attack you with some kind of sarcastic, hostile remark?
Sort of, yeah. What do I do?
Tony
It's your choice, but I'd trust my gut. It's what Gibbs would do.
[mumbling in Hebrew] Unbelievable!
Tony
You finally saw The Crying Game?
No. I got a speeding ticket!
Tony
Oh. You know what that means, McGee.
I was barely going over the limit!
Let me see. [takes the ticket from Ziva's outstretched hand] It says you were doing 80 in a 40.
Tony
Did you tell them you were a federal agent?
Tony
Well, sometimes if they know they look the other way. [flahes badge] Oh, that's not my wallet!
Tony
With one notable exception, I haven't gotten a speeding ticket in seventeen years.
Or paid for parking at football games.
Tony
It's a gray area. Sometimes I even get my donuts and coffee for free.
I do not think Gibbs would approve.
Tony
What Gibbs doesn't know won't hurt him.
What don't I know, DiNozzo?
Tony
Um, Ziva got a speeding ticket! [looks uncomfortable after receiving a disapproving look from Ziva] And I sometimes get coffee for free. But I tip big! All right, let's have it. [receives a smack]
Let's go. Dead Navy captain.
Do you ever get the feeling that he enjoys being smacked in the head?
I'd rather not think about it.
Tony
Sorry, I'm just --
Tony
Confused.
Why, because you made out with your ex-fiance today?
Tony
[scoffs] What are you talking about?
Lipstick. It's not your color.
Tony
[looks in the mirror] Eagle eye, McGee.
So what's the problem? She's divorced. You're single.
Tony
The problem is been there, done that. Crash. Burn.
Tony
NTSB is still looking for bodies.
Tony
That's a good question, McGee. You always ask the good questions.
Tony
[looking at a heart] It's hard to believe they're so small sometimes.
What's on your mind, Tony? You sound a little pensive.
Tony
I'm not pensive! What is it with everyone and that word? [realizes he's shouting] Sorry. I was --
Would you like to talk about it?
Tony
You ever have something terrible happen to you and you think you've put it all behind you, but then the terrible comes back and it's more terrible than it was before?
Tony
So am I.
Tony, it was very clear to me from the very first day I met you that you were a man in pain.
Tony
[scoffs] I'm sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else.
No, your pain is as clear to me as Jethro's. He lost Shannon, the one love of his life, and you lost faith in yourself for so many reasons. Jethro coped with his pain by repeatedly marrying the wrong woman, thus ensuring that ultimately he would be alone and safe from heartbreak. You repeatedly chased the wrong woman. You're alone because you never did as you just said: put it all behind you.
WWendy
I lied to you, Tony.
Tony
About?
WWendy
Why I invited you to lunch. You were wrong. I was not trying to get information for a story. I invited you because I wanted to see you. Your turn.
Tony
Why?
WWendy
Uh, because we're taking turns and now it's your turn.
Tony
No. That is not what I meant and you know it.
WWendy
You want to know why I left.
Tony
I want to know why you said yes to me when the answer was really no. I want to know why you waited until the very last moment to tell me the truth. But most of all, my runaway bride, I would like to know why.
WWendy
Would it make a difference now? If you weren't so sad and so lonely you wouldn't even be wondering.
Tony
[laughs] Sad and lonely? You have me confused with Bosco. You like to see my little black e-book?
WWendy
Show me whatever you like, but it's not going to change what I see with my own eyes. You should tell her how you feel, whoever she is.
Tony
A) That's never going to happen, B) get out of my head, and C) answer the question.
WWendy
I left because I wasn't read to meet "the one", okay? And you were the one.
Tony
That doesn't make any sense.
WWendy
Are you sure? Because from I see you've spent the last nine years avoiding relationships. I was just broken first, which is why I left my hero cop to marry a stockbroker who cared more about money than people. I wasn't read to meet the one when we met, Tony, but I sent you that invitation because I am now.
Tony
Oh, snap! You're one of them!
CTClarence Tobett
If you mean real-life superhero, then yes.
Tony
Let me guess: "I.C.U."?
CTClarence Tobett
That's right, because that's where you go if you mess with me.
[Clarence writes down a suspect's partial license plate number.]
Tony
Three letters... I guess super memory isn't one of your superpowers.
CTClarence "I.C.U." Tobett
Make all the fun you want, but what I do is important. I talked a kid out of a gang just last week. I know the costumes seem silly, but they're just a gimmick. They help defuse tense situations.
Tony
[notices Ziva pacing] McGee, what's Ziva doing?
Tony
Speech?
Director Vance volunteered her to speak at a high school career day.
Tony
In what language, Vulcan?
I can hear you, Tony. I do not need you making this worse. Back up.
I think you mean back off.
Tony
Why are you so uptight, Ziva?
Public speaking is not my thing. It makes me nervous.
Tony
Nervous? What are you talking about? I've seen you take down armed terrorists without breaking a sweat.
Tony
I don't like Bayar's line of work but I'll tell ya, he's got great taste in women. She is smokin'!
Obviously a professional woman, Tony. You think the Aston Martin was expensive, a month of your salary might buy you an hour of her time.
Tony
[grins widely] Au contraire, mon Ziva.
[Tony enters squad room]
[he and Ziva tail Tony] Hey, where have you been? We've been calling. What's going on?
Man Day is over and he's still ignoring us. [follows Tony] I'm not going to be ignored!
Tony
Glenn Close, Fatal Attraction. It's a good one, Ziva. Your impression of a hot lady with crazy eyes is dead on, by the way. You are a, uh, sphinx of a minx. Game on, fellas, just like we planned it.
Tony, do not try to talk your way out of this by calling me hot.
He also called you crazy, Ziva.
I will unleash crazy on him if he does not apologize for leaving me out of the loop.
Are you sure this is the place?
Tony
You know what happens if you don't trust the authority of McMaps! All right.
[Tony and Ziva prepare to search a van]
Tony
[whispers to Ziva] Be like Silence of the Lambs meets Scooby Doo.
[opens van door] Freeze! Hands up!
AAmanda
Do I look like I'm running?
Tony
Amanda Baylor, you have the right....to take a bath! You smell like a wild goat!
Too busy for personal hygiene?
AAmanda
When I'm focused, I'm focused.
Tony
[to Ziva] Well, McGee likes 'em gamey, but I'm not sure he'll go for this one.
AAmanda
Ohh, I clean up nice.
Tony
Why don't you put the computer down and step out here. Let's go, Animal Kingdom, c'mon. [Amanda steps out of van]
So, who are you working with?
AAmanda
Ummm, I don't know.
Tony
Well, we know some stuff about the blackmail and about the AUTEC account.
We also know that you are in cahoots with someone inside Wickes Steel.
Tony
Did you just use the word cahoots?
Tony
Nice.
AAmanda
Alright, somebody hired me through Wilkes, but, uh, I don't have a name. Didn't want one.
Was it Ridgeway? Did you kill him?
AAmanda
I don't kill people, I hack! I really haven't left the van.
Tony
No kidding. Next time, hacker, why don't you crack a window?
Tony
Uhh no, Vance nailed you with the shredding detail, huh?
Yes, from redacted, to unredacted, to recycling to... Tony, I have a question. Do you believe?
Tony
Believe in what?
Uhh, well unexplained things, secrets, occurrences that we're really not supposed to talk about.
Tony
Uhhh. I believe that there are moments, experiences that someone like McGee with his trusty computer couldn't justify.
When Gibbs left tonight, I thought I saw it again.
Tony
Saw what?
Tony
I've been thinking about that. Boss don't bounce.
You cannot expect a person to keep things bottled up inside forever. Can you? [they look at each other]
NCIS · 1,787 quotes
