Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

What do you see when you look at him, Agent DiNozzo?

Tony

A man works his whole life, dedicates himself to his job, and then has nothing to show for it.

How does that make you feel?

Tony

Afraid. I'm a good agent, Dr. Cranston. A really good one.

I know. So do a lot of other people. Maybe Agent Todd was hard on you because she knew what you were really capable of. Too bad she never got a chance to tell you.

Tony

I think I just realized who you are, Rachel.

Kate

How was I supposed to know what you were planning?

Tony

Well, we're a team, Kate! You're supposed to follow my lead.

Kate

Oh, even when I don't know where it's going?

Tony

Especially then.

What's with McGee?

Ziva

What do you mean?

Is there a... Mrs. McGee?

Tony

[chuckles] What a concept.

Ziva

No, he's not married.

Girlfriend?

Ziva

Not that I know of.

Tony

Okay, what am I missing here, huh? We talking about the same guy, Timothy McGee? The Ichabod Crane who speaks in algorithms, and looks like he has some kind of permanently frumpy expression on his face?

Ziva

Do not listen to him, Adriana. McGee is a very sweet man, he is intelligent, and he is loyal... [fakes a shot at Tony, who flinches away, shielding his genitals] ...to a fault.

Tony

I hope you didn't break his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.

McGee

I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.

Ziva

[laughs] Your horoscope?

Tony

What else did it say?

McGee

Avoid new relationships, which after last week probably isn't a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?

Tony

Oh, just that you think you have a choice.

Ziva

And that you read your horoscope.

McGee

Oh, just for fun, but it has been interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?

Tony

Same thing.

McGee

Thanks for the confidence, Tony.

Ziva

I would like to have seen Gibbs shoot that computer.

McGee

Well, if I don't get his email working you may get a second chance.

Ziva

I almost shot Tony last night. We were stuck for almost three hours before the firemen were able to open up the fire doors.

Tony

And you loved every second of it.

McGee

Uh, Boss, I wouldn't do that. I just finished calibrating your-- [Gibbs hits the monitor again] ..monitors.

Gibbs

It was working fine until you touched it.

McGee

[goes to Gibbs' desk] All I did was tweaked the color gamma... Mind if I?... Probably just to restart your email clients... No, let me try this...

McGee

Boss, that's really not gonna help.

Gibbs

Well, it helps me.

McGee

Uh sorry Boss. [desperately trying to clean up the mess] Sorry. I'm sorry uh... how about you take mine. It's a double half-caf, Sumatra blend with a twist of lemon. [Gibbs storms off without a word] I'll have it fixed by the time you get back.

Tony

Morning, Boss. Like that shirt! [Gibbs storms past them without a word]

Tony

[to McGee] Hope you didn't break his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.

McGee

I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.

Ziva

[laughs] Your horoscope?

Tony

What else did it say?

McGee

Avoid new relationships, which after last week is probably not a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?

Tony

Oh, just that you think you have a choice.

Ziva

And that you read your horoscope.

McGee

Oh, just for fun, but it is interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?

Tony

Same thing.

McGee

Thanks for the support, Tony.

Tony

No, I saw what happened! You and I were having a conversation, we're trying to work something out.

Ziva

Yeah! It is a violation. There is an expectation of privacy in our own office.

Tony

And she's just chatting away, right over the hedge.

Ziva

It is over the edge!!

Tony

Actually, it's over the top, but it's pushing you over the edge.

Ziva

Huh?

Tony

And you know what I think? [walks into the lab to hear McGee and Abby speaking] What are you guys talking about?

Abby

Um, tanning hides. You?

Ziva

The same.

Tony

Easy.

Tony

So something interested here here, huh?

Gibbs

There's a couple of options, but I like this desk. Old growth wood. Craftsman made.

Ziva

[gasps] It belonged to William Faulkner! I love his writing!

Tony

Total genius.

Ziva

Yes! It was worth learning English just for The Sound and the Fury, or that chapter in As I Lay Dying. You know, the one with the five words where Vardaman says "My mother is a fish!"

Tony

I don't really like his books much, but I'm a big fan of the movies he made based on other people's books. Like The Big Sleep and To Have and Have Not. I mean, he gave us Bogey and Bacall. God bless you, William Faulkner.

Tony

I feel bad for any guy who ever dates your daughter.

Vance

Me too.

Tony

[reading from the boy's juve file] "Daddy and me had three violent altercations over the past two years. Cops had to break it up. Yelling, screaming." [looks at Vance] Sounds like one of Ziva's family reunions.

Ziva

Tony, you're hogging the end pieces!

Tony

That's because I start with the end pieces. Haven't you ever done a puzzle before? You go out to in.

Ziva

Have you ever done a puzzle before? Because you work in to out!

Abby

[laughing at their bickering] Will you guys stop? I'm trying to read here.

Ziva

Tony.

Tony

Ziva.

Ziva

You're in the women's shower fully clothed and you are holding Gibbs' mail.

Tony

What's your point?

Ziva

That letter's not for you to read.

Tony

I know, but there's so many questions to be answered. The happiest day in someone's life and they need Leroy Jethro Gibbs there to seal the deal? Doesn't make any sense.

Ziva

Right, so be honest. Surely you would Gibbs there at your wedding?

Tony

I don't know if a head slap coming down the aisle is the ideal Kodak moment.

Ziva

Tony, why are you trying to look at Gibbs' mail?

Tony

Oh, come on, isn't it obvious? The raised calligraphy, the paper that's made from a fabric more expensive than Timmy's shirt. [touches McGee's shirt collar, McGee pulls away] Sorry. [to Ziva] He got the same wedding invitation last week.

Ziva

How'd you know that?

Tony

I saw it. Same fancy paper. Same fancy handwriting.

Ziva

Well, someone's being persistent.

McGee

Who would wanna invite Gibbs to their wedding?

Tony

Yeah, guy's got worst wedding juju than Billy Bob Thornton and Larry King combined.

Ziva

You are overreacting. I, for one, would not mind having Gibbs there when I get married.

Ziva

[sees them staring at her] Hypothetically! [Tony and McGee continue looking at her] I mean, you know... when I... someday... you know, if I-- [exasperated] It is not important!

McGee

Sounds like you're getting pretty serious.

Ziva

I am happy Ray is happy. We are meeting in New York next weekend. He is taking me to the opera.

Tony

The opera?! Wow! Does his boyfriend know about you?

Gibbs

You CIA?

Just celebrated my thirteenth year, sir.

Tony

That's funny. Ziva failed to mention your line of work.

It's what I do. It's not who I am.

Tony

That's a very zen, new-agey kind of attitude for someone who instals puppet regimes for a living.

Ziva

Okay. Gibbs, can I give Ray a tour?

Gibbs

Yeah, sure. Don't lose him.

It's been a pleasure meeting all of you.

Tony

Huh. So it's not Renaissance Ray. It's CIA Ray. He's CIRay!

McGee

You really should get that checked out. It's like a bad tick or something.

Tony

Something about this guy, boss. His smile is disturbing. I haven't seen a smile like that since Christan Bale's barely audible Batman in The Dark Knight.

Gibbs

DiNozzo.

Tony

Right. Back to work. (in Batman voice) It's what I do. It's not who I am. (normally) Huh.

You know, I want Ziva's friends to become my friends. She's told me how close the two of you are.

Tony

[Laughing] I wouldn't say that.

She says you're like a brother to her.