But, you just got here dont you wana stay a couple of days. You can have some quality time with Tony.
Ohhh, I'd love too Abby, but I have to get back to New York I've been away to long.
But we barely got to see you.
Yeah, we were kinda hopin to hear your version of why Jr. got expelled from boarding school.
TonyYour wildest dreams McGee. Let's go dad!
What's the matter with you Jr? Relax.
Hey, DiNozzo hold on a minute.
Tony
Don't move. Stay. [walks over to Gibbs] Yeah boss.
Hey, where's your dad going?
Tony
New York
No not yet we need him get us into the reception.
[Tony laughs then Gibbs laughs]
[DiNozzo Sr. is being fitted for a cashmere tuxedo in his hotel suite, and pours himself a martini.]
Are you here to brief me on tonight's op?
Tony
Hm...? [watches Sr. drop an olive into his glass] Oh, no. You think you're James Bond, don't you? Dad, there is no "op!" Your job is to get Ziva into the party, so she can plant the bug. That's it. Then you stay out of her way! Get it?
Tony
Good!
We're DiNozzos. We don't communicate well.
Tony
We used to, you know. Long time ago. Sometimes I wish we could rewind to the last time we had a normal father-son relationship.
Tony
It was a fishing trip. It was just before Mom died. You probably don't remember...
[DiNozzo Sr. smiles, sits next to Tony, and takes out his wallet.]
Tony
[thinking Sr. wants to pay him back] Dad, it's okay, I mean...
[DiNozzo Sr. takes an old, much-creased picture out and shows it to Tony: the two of them, together on a dock, smiling as they hoist their catches for the camera.]
I look at that picture every morning. It's one of my fondest memories, too. Okay, from now on, we talk, hmm? Let's get out of here before we both start bawling.
LLiat
Director David has left us a message.
Tony
What's that?
MMalachi
It is the Hebrew word bayet. It means "house" or "home".
Tony
[sarcastically] Oh, so he's walking all the way home to Israel?
LLiat
More likely the Israeli embassy.
Tony
"House". Oh, well, you know there is a House of Pancakes down the street, and also a House of Pies and a Donut House --
[interrupting Tony] My father needs medical attention. We should split up, cover each possibility.
LLiat
Okay. [she and Malachi leave]
Tony
Look, you're going to have to go on your own because Gibbs wants --
Tony, do you know what a Golem is?
Tony
Creepy schizophrenic creature from Lord of the Rings?
No, that's Gollum. A Golem is a supernatural being from Jewish folklore. It was created from mud to protect the Jews. The mystics sketched the name Emet into his forehead. When the monster's task was completed the letter aleph was scratched out, changing the word to met. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Tony
Yeah. Liat pulled a Golem. She erased a letter?
Liat is an overachiever. She erased the entire word.
Tony
You're not going to the House of Pancakes, are you?
Tony
[after Ziva turns off the sound from the interview room] Thanks. I was getting a headache.
Really?? This is usually your favorite part. Getting to watch reality TV at work, as you call it.
Tony
Well, people change, Ziva.
Yes. But not that quickly. And yet here we have this new Tony. Who arrives early, stays late, turns down advances from beautiful women, and has not made a single joke in the past, what, two days?
Tony
I haven't? Are you sure? Well, we're in the middle of a case.
It has not stopped you before.
Tony
Well, it's stopping me now, and I'm sorry if you're losing sleep over it, but I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings!
Tony
Everyone! You, and McGee, and the Brenda Bittner's of the world. Everyone!
Tony
Yeah. Bittner. The girl who posted online that we were in a committed relationship last year.
Yes! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the only thing you were committed to was a one night stand.
Tony
That's right. [clears throat] I just found out that she checked herself into a depression treatment facility after she wrapped her car around a tree. Nice one, huh?
And you feel responsible.
Tony
No! I barely knew the girl. I'm just saying.
Well, clearly she was a troubled woman.
Tony
It's clear now, isn't it?
Still, it must be unsettling to think that you didn't notice at the time, especially since it is your job to help people who are in trouble.
Tony
I don't know why this has gotten under my skin like this. I mean, of all things. Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis I'm having a mid-life crazy.
Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just -- [pauses] -- growing up. And some lessons are more painful as we grown older when the stakes are higher, but you need to find balance. And yes, yes, yes, yes! You need to treat people more respectfully, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. But you, need to be who you are.
Tony
Who am I?
You are Tony DiNozzo. The class clown. That is why we love you.
[Tony looks pensively at Ziva's desk]
Tony
[starts] Who?
Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.
Tony
Oh! Ziva. Gosh, I hadn't noticed.
Tony
McGoo, I have better things to do than obsess about the whereabouts of our little miss fancy-pants Ziva.
Tony
Well, for starters, there's lunch. Today I'm picking falafel.
Tony
All right. She spent the weekend with him.
Tony
The sire of South Beach. The king of Key West. The man with the mister -- I'm running out of things to call him.
Tony
She won't even tell us his name.
Tony
5 kids Craig was advising. Hi I thought you were in Miami. You look positively awlpine.
He came to me. We went skiing again this time to Vermont.
Tony
Vermont that's so quant they have all those lovely little country inns and uhh, cozy fires and sticky syrup that gets every where.
He enjoys nature and I discovered that he's a fantastic cook he made this whoow delicious awzooboko.
Tony
Aren't you lucky so he's a real renasaunce man.
He is an expierence man who knows how to enjoy life there is a difference.
So when do we get to meet him and please tell us his name.
Tony
Oh, no please let me guess. Zeus uhh Thor.
Tony
Ray what a nice little name. Ray like Ray Crock or Ray Charles or Sugar Ray.
Umm, I promise you Ray is a good man.
It's rude, Tony. I called you four times!
Tony
Well, there's two things wrong with that statement. One, we're not dating. And two, you know I don't take calls from anyone, especially you, after 7pm. You forget, I have a life.
Tony
My point McGee, party of one, is that you were leaving me messages evidently about some kind of case file?
Yeah, one that I needed you to sign.
Tony
Which you could have waited until this morning for? Give it to me. (McGee hands Tony the file) See that? Now all I have to do is sign it! (Tony signs the file) Look at that. Signing John Hancock. Just kidding, Anthony DiNozzo. (Tony hands McGee the file, which McGee snatches out of his hands)
(After McGee has opened a parcel containing a blow up doll)
Tony
(Laughs) You think I did this?
I would not put it past you.
Tony
Guys! Come on, a little credit, please. I have grown past this kinda sophomore thing. I mean, who would do something so...genius! McGee with a plastic girlfriend! Congratulations, Tim! She's very sweet.
The receipt's got my credit card information on it. It must be some kind of mistake.
I would cancel your credit card.
Right now, all I need to do is figure out how to deflate this thing.
Tony
Oh that's easy, there's always a button right here on the back of the neck...(Tony realises what he has just said)...there's no reason I should know that.
(Gibbs and Ducky are in Autopsy, looking over Sgt Wooten's body.)
Tony
Tim McGee, meet Tim McGee.
Hello. (Looks at Tony) I don't get it.
Tony
Well, Tim, there are two kinds of identity thieves. There's the kind you never know and there's the kind that knows you so well that they're aware you're not home from 7am to 10pm.
McGee (To Nick) You're Mrs Miller's kid right? Nick?
Tony
It's McGee's landlady, holder of the keys. She also has a bad back.
It was you! You stole my identity, you sent me an inflatable girlfriend! You know I'm down almost ten grand!
NNick
Dude, it's fraud and you're only liable for like... fifty bucks.
Tony
Yeah dude.
(To Nick) Why? Why are you doing this to me?
NNick
You're always doing the same thing. Go to work, come home, go to work again. You even order the same take-out food every single night.
NNick
Dude, yes! You gotta start living. You're too young to act so old.
(McGee looks at Tony who starts laughing)
NCIS · 1,787 quotes
