Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Ziva

Hey, any of you notice something different about Ducky?

McGee

Yeah, he has seemed awfully chipper as of late.

Tony

Ducky does seem plucky. No one loves rain in D.C.

Ziva

No, his ties! He's been wearing tie ties, not his bow ties.

Tony

Wow. That's very observant.

Tony

You ever been married, doc?

Twice, but never at the same time.

McGee

I built an application for my phone.

Tony

Why is that important to what we're doing here?

McGee

With a vehicle's VIN number, you can access all the vehicle's pertinent information, including key and remote codes. Hack into a database, download all the codes, and there it is.

Tony

Wow. I'm glad that MIT education paid off for something, McGeek.

McGee

It is pretty super, isn't it?

Tony

I don't believe you.

McGee

Yeah, I'm not going to unlock the door for you, Tony.

Tony

Well, I don't think you could unlock the door, because if you could you'd prove it to me by doing it.

McGee

Uh, no --

Tony

[snatches phone and unlocks door] You should patent that.

Ziva

I found candy leftover from Valentine's day.

Tony

Candy from who?

Ziva

Why does it matter?

Tony

It matters because you didn't eat it and so that person must not mean very much to you. It means something!

Ziva

It means nothing.

Tony

Well I'm glad I wasn't your valentine.

Ziva

So am I!

Gibbs

I wanted to see how Jensen lived.

Tony

It says a lot about a man. Take your house for instance: clean, no nonsense, stoic.

Gibbs

Stoic? My house is stoic?

Tony

Understated, then?

Gibbs

I planted some roses last weekend. Red ones. Are red roses stoic?

Tony

Well, they're prickly and thorny.

Ziva

What is CGIS?

McGee

Coast Guard Investigative Service.

Ziva

The Coast Guard has an investigative branch?

McGee

Well, they're smaller than us, but with a wider law enforcement reach.

Ziva

But it is the Coast Guard!

Tony

Whoa, whoa. No need to get uppity. Yes, Virginia, there is a CGIS.

McGee

Now they may not have our track record, or our je ne sais quoi, but they are our legitimate sibling.

Tony

Like Corky in Life Goes On.

Ziva

These are ocean charts. [points] This is where the Delilah was abandoned.

Tony

Calafuego. Treasure hunters.

Ziva

Is that was this is all about? Treasure?

Tony

Pirate treasure.

Ziva

Well this looks like David Jones' Locker.

Tony

Davy Jones'. He used to sing with The Monkees.

Ziva

Real monkeys?

Tony

I envy your brain sometimes.

Tony

Wait a minute. You're saying the widow and the stud diver, they... they did it together? [turns to Ziva] Ziva'd you hear that?

Ziva

Yes.

Tony

Yes what?

Ziva

Yes, I heard the wife did it, Tony! Okay, yes, you are a genius!

Borin

Okay, question, where would you hide a lot of money if you were afraid your house could be ceased?

Tony

[slaps the table] Not in my house!

Tony

Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?

Ziva

It is just a movie, Tony.

Tony

How dare you? [puts down popcorn and hands Ziva a drink] Is Mickey just a mouse? Ringling Brothers just a circus?

Ziva

Yes.

Tony

[chuckles] Well, you see, that's why you don't have any friends.

Ziva

I do have friends!

Tony

Really? Then what are you doing with me, watching a movie on a Friday night at work? Huh?

Ziva

You are my friend.

Tony

Really?

Ziva

No. My date canceled.

Tony

Mine, too. [They smile and begin to watch The Black Pirate]

Tony

[searching their victim's house, after finding the front door open] Clear, boss!

Tony

Maybe not totally clear.

Borin

Toss the gun. Do it now.

Tony

[laughing] Take it easy, sweetheart. Who are you?

Borin

I'm not the one breaking and entering.

Gibbs

[approaching Abigail from behind] No, the door was open. Ladies first.

[entering from behind Gibbs] It's turning into a party around here.

Tony

Wow. looks a little like Reservoir Dogs, except you're cuter than Harvey Keitel.

Gibbs

[holding up his badge] We're federal agents.

Borin

Get his I.D.

Gibbs

Look, don't touch.

NCIS.

Borin

[lowering her weapon] Come on, really?

Gibbs

Who are you guys? DEA? FBI?

Borin

CGIS.

Tony

[chuckling] Coast Guard, boss.

Borin

You got a problem with that?

Tony

[stops laughing, seriously] No.

Borin

Yeah. [head-slaps Omagi] Put the weapon away, Kyle.

Oh yes, ma'am.

Tony

That's a nice head slap.

Ziva

[to Tony and McGee] You know what, you two? I have actually heard of this. You two are having a seven year bitch.

Tony

Itch, and yes we are.

Ziva

You two are like a married couple.

Gibbs

Oh, no they're not. They're still speaking.

McGee

Hey, why'd the dead guy cross the road? To get home.

Tony

Yeah. You were funnier when you were fatter.

McGee

Well, if it isn't T-Cadd.

Tony

What?

McGee

T-Cadd. It's what I'm calling you guys now. You know, the cute couples contraction? Tom-Kat, Bennifer, Brangelina.

Tony

Yeah, we got it McBitter.

McGee

You two are wearing the same suit, even. [they smile]

Building security found the body. No blood, it looks like he was dumped. Multiple stab wounds to the back. We've definitely got a fifth victim.

Tony

Wounds on his arm, chest. This guy wasn't easy to take out.

McGee

He put up a fight.

Killer had to be strong, we're probably looking for a male.

Tony

Or Ziva. [they laugh]

Tony

You're annoying!

McGee

You're juvenile!

Hey, they're showing a restored print of Road Warrior in Norfolk on Friday, you want to go?

Tony

[imitating Humungus] "Just walk away. I'll spare your lives for that tank of gas." [McCadden laughs.] Humungus. Yes, we're going!