Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

McGee would know. Head shots are his specialty.

Ducky

What?

Palmer

He's referring to a videogame he's been playing way too much.

Ducky

Ah.

Tony

What's this surprising bit of editorializing coming from the once and future king of dorkland?

Palmer

Hey, I now have a girlfriend.

Tony

The king is dead. [gripping McGee's shoulder] Long live the king.

Abby

Well, wouldn't Susan know? She was there, right? Are you guys sure that we can trust her, because I am not.

Ducky

And why, may I ask, is that?

Tony

C'mon, Ducky. Everyone knows that Susan's taken a little shine to McGee.

Abby

That has nothing to do with it. McGee, he's a capable investigator, but when it comes to matters of the heart he can be a bit... naive.

Ziva

Are you... talking from experience?

Abby

That's classified. Just think about his last girlfriend. She tried to kill him!

Tony

Oh, I get it. You're trying to cover McGee like a protective hen.

Ducky

Or an overprotective panther.

Abby

[shrugs uncomfortably] Okay... If Susan can't tell you who lucky number eleven is, I can. Just keep her out of my hair.

You have to catch them! Now! Like, right now.

Tony

We're working on it.

Ziva

We have hit a shamu.

Does she mean snafu?

Tony

Roll with it.

Tony

Dear God... someone fed him after midnight.

Ziva

Jimmy, what happened to you?

Palmer

It turns out I am really allergic to henna. I can't reach back there, so do you think you guys could...?

Tony

I'm late for a squash game!

Ziva

I'm sorry, I've got to get the hell out of here.

Palmer

Please, guys! It really itches!

Tony

That's what girlfriends are for!

Palmer

I can get the top part!

Tony

Stay, stay, stay!

Ziva

No, no, no! Please, do not... that could be very contagious! I may have to hurt you massively.

Tony

She'll do it, she'll do it!

Palmer

I would do it for you!

Ziva

No, you wouldn't!

Tony

I thought you said 27.000 kills.

McGee

28.000 kills.

Tony

But you said yesterday 27.000 kills!

McGee

Well, that was yesterday.

Tony

You kill a thousand people a day?

McGee

I was hot. I was super hot. I was cappin' fools!

Tony

It's not a cause for pride, McGee! It's a cause for concern!

Ziva

So, what exactly are you looking for in Miss Right?

Tony

[laughs] Well, aside from the obvious physical requirements, I don't know. I guess she'd be a very independent woman, intelligent, successful, professional.

Ziva

Okay, just one question: what would this woman, possibly, see in you?

Gibbs

You okay?

Tony

Not really. I broke rule number ten. Again. Never get personally involved in a case.

Gibbs

Yeah. That's the rule I've always had the most trouble with.

Tony

I bet Abby could last longer than ten seconds playing random chat.

Ziva

You are obsessed.

Tony

You wouldn't understand.

Ziva

Why is that?

Tony

Because, being irritating is second nature to you. Me, I'm charming.

Ziva

[scoffs]

Tony

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say serial killer.

Ziva

[laughs] A limb. Nice!

Tony

Can I give you a hand? These are terrible jokes...

Tony

It is perfect for s'mores.

McGee

I never liked s'mores.

Tony

What are you talking about? What's not to like? You've got your chocolate, graham crackers, gooey marshmellows. What kind of boy scout are you?

McGee

I'm a Webelos, actually.

Tony

Well, zip up Webelos, your inner geek is showing.

McGee

Why would you let someone get away with rape?

Ziva

Perception. Burrows is in the military. If a woman cries rape, no man on that ship would ever totally trust her again.

McGee

Well, you're a woman. What would you do?

Ziva

I am different. After torturing them until they cried like babies, I would castrate them and give them what they deserve.

Tony

Hmm. Spoken like a true almost-American.

Tony

A good flan is hard to make. Getting the right ratio of milk to vanilla to caramel.

Ziva

Can we stop talking about the flan?

Tony

What are you, anti-flan?

Tony

It's tough to master the flan. Texture needs to be smooth, just the right ratio of milk to vanilla to caramel.

Ziva

Can we stop talking about the flan?

Tony

What are you, anti-flan?

Tony

Did you see that?

Ziva

See what?

Tony

A wink.

Ziva

Director Vance winked?

Tony

I think he winked. Unless he was prepping his eye for the scanner, but --

Ziva

Why would it matter if he winked?

Tony

Because that's what he and Gibbs do. They have this whole wink-wink, nudge-nudge language. Vance can't green light an op. He expects us to pick up the slack when we see it.

Ziva

You see slack.

Tony

I don't know. Did you see a wink?

Abby

You guys are going to Mexico! What's the plan?

Tony

What do you know, Abs?

Abby

Gibbs mentioned rule forty.

Tony

If you think someone's out to get you, they are?

Ziva

I have never heard of a rule in the forties.

Tony

They don't come up very often.

Abby

And that's a good thing.

Ziva

How many times have I told Gibbs to write these things down?!

Tony

You don't have to write them down, they're for daily use, most of the rules, but the forties --

Abby

The forties. The forties are for emergency use only.

Tony

If the forties are in play something unspeakably bad is going down.

Ziva

We have to get him back.