Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

It's computers, it's your thing! If I had a thing I'd show it off all the time.

Gibbs

There are rules against that, DiNozzo.

Tony

Listen, can you walk while you talk?

You know, I've never actually ever attempted something so complex before, but I'm a quick learner.

Tony

Sarcasm.

Mm-hm.

Tony

I like sarcasm.

Who doesn't?

Tony

Not that much.

Tony

Taking the tour?

Ziva

I have my first psych evaluation.

Tony

Oh, yeah. I always loved those.

Ziva

I'm sure. You get to talk about yourself the entire time. [Tony laughs] I'm sorry, that --

Tony

No, no, no. That's okay. No one's ever accused you of having tact. [Ziva looks away] Sorry.

Ziva

When you shot Michael I almost killed you where you stood.

Tony

I wasn't standing.

Ziva

No, you weren't. You were lying on the ground, without adequate backup, completely violating protocol.

Tony

And double parked.

Ziva

Yes, I noticed. But that does not matter. Just like it does not matter how it worked out for Michael.

Tony

So what does?

Ziva

That you had my back. That you have always had my back. And that I was wrong to question your motives.

Tony

So why did you?

Ziva

I trusted my brother Ari. I trusted Michael. I could not afford to trust you.

Tony

I thought you weren't sure what to say?

Ziva

I guess I had a long time to think about things.

Tony

I'm sorry, Ziva.

Ziva

No. It is I who am sorry. [kisses Tony on the cheek]

Tony

[looks to Ziva's old desk] Twenty bucks says that desk is gonna be empty by the end of next month.

Hate to disappoint you. [slams papers onto McGee's desk] My letter of resignation.

McGee

Wow, that's... uh... very long.

I had a hard time choosing the right adjectives. I couldn't decide between childish, juvenile and just plain old annoying. [glares at Tony]

McGee

[smiles at Tony] That's true!

[to McGee] And you! You know better but you're so busy playing the faithful sidekick you're just going along for the ride. Well, I've had enough! Make sure that Agent Gibbs gets that!

Tony

Annoying!

McGee

Sidekick!

Tony

Hey, you missed a shot there sidekick.

McGee

I'm not your sidekick, Tony.

Tony

And yet, you are.

McGee

No, I am not, because you're not the boss.

Tony

When Gibbs isn't here, I'm the boss.

Gibbs

[walks in] Gibbs is here.

Tony

Hey, Boss.

[chuckles derisively]

Gibbs

What's so funny?

You haven't arrested me. Which means you don't have any proof.

Tony

McProof?

McGee

The fake suicide note on Shelley's computer? We traced the worm that planted it back to your laptop.

Tony

Proves you killed Jurel, his buddies, and Shelley.

Gibbs

Uh-oh. You know what that means?

[together] You're under arrest!

Tony

You failed your polygraph! That's not good.

McGee

No, I didn't fail it. They said I have to take it again.

Tony

Why would you have to take it again? Don't ask, don't tell. You didn't make the mistake of coming out, did you?

McGee

I don't have anything to come out about.

Tony

Stick to that story, McQueen.

Ziva

That is total salami!

Tony

Baloney.

McGee

Is that pastrami?

Tony

[nods] Mm-hmm.

McGee

Can I have a bite?

Tony

Nuh-uh. This is my dinner. You can have the pickle.

McGee

I don't like pickles.

Tony

I know.

McGee

I hope you choke on that sandwich.

Ziva

You cannot even work your email properly! You always reply to all. It drives me absolutely nuts! You know, when it comes to computers, you are almost as incompetent as Gi -- [looks around the room quickly]

Tony

[chuckles] You thought Gibbs was behind you. You know why? Because sneaky people expect sneakiness. It's a vicious circle.

Korby was awesome. He came up with new practical jokes every Halloween. Nothing dangerous. I mean, no razor blades. He'd freeze all kinds of stuff, blow things up. It was funny.

And illegal!

Ziva

And you are?

Ted Rogers. I live across the street. First he drove us crazy with his pranks, now he dies in his driveway!

Tony

Well, it sounds like you've got a problem in your neighborhood, Mr. Rogers. That's a nice sweater, by the way.

[after Ziva knocks on his door] There's no candy here!

Ziva

NCIS! We don't want any candy!

Tony

Speak for yourself, David. Open up or we'll send the kids in!

Ziva

[walks to Tony's desk, holding a coffee cup] You know, Tony, I have been thinking, and I would like to acknowledge my place as a new agent and your place as-

Tony

Your superior in every way.

Ziva

[takes a deep breath] Yes. But for my sanity, could you not call me probie?

Tony

I say it with love.

Tony

And if I refuse?

Ziva

You are senior field agent and I am entirely at your mercy.

Tony

As you should be!

Tony

Mmm! Mmm-.mm!

Tony

Are you studying to become a naturalized American citizen?

Ziva

I have to if I want to become an agent.

McGee

Good for you, Ziva.

Tony

Who says we want her as an American?

Ziva

Who says you have a say?

Tony

A little thing called the Constitution!

Ziva

[sarcastically] Really? Where?

Tony

It's in there, and it talks about dangerous foreign aliens stealing our precious bodily fluids.

McGee

That's Dr. Strangelove.