Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

He's already killed two suspects.

Ziva

Well, in my country that would be cause for celebration!

Tony

You're not in your country and neither is he!

Tony

Here come the clowns.

McGee

The FBI does have jurisdiction in the death of a federal agent.

Tony

Yeah, well I like our chances with Gibbs in there waving a chair around like Gunther Gable Williams. Lion tamer. He's my second favorite hero after Steve McQueen.

McGee

Sure, because riding a motorcycle looks cool and all, but --

Tony

But nobody messes with a man riding an elephant.

Ziva

He did not get out this way.

Unless could cross a lawn without bending a blade of grass.

Ziva

Not impossible with the proper training.

Tony

She can also do that trick where you put your ear to a rail and you can hear a train coming.

You get the same training?

Tony

Me? No. But I can eat a bucket of chicken in one sitting, and I have x-ray vision.

So you and Ziva don't always agree on everything?

Tony

No, not everything. Healthy debates breeds, uh, creative solutions. Isn't that right, Ziva? [looks around them, puzzled] Where'd she go?

Ziva

[from investigating up in a tree, gestures how intruders got past] A few branches are missing up here. They go in, he goes up, then out [points] that gate. [her cell phone rings, she smiles down at them] Oh, it's McGee.

McGee

Hey. Gibbs wants you guys to come back.

Ziva

I'm up a tree.

McGee

Well, this might only confuse you further.

Ziva

Well, who said I was confused?

McGee

You said you were up a tree.

Ziva

I am!

Tony

Why is he calling you and not me? I'm the senior field agent.

Ziva

I don't know why he's not calling you, Tony. [McGee, on phone, says 'I did call.'] He's not making any sense.

McGee

And you're the one not making sense.

Ziva

He said he called you.

Tony

[looks at his cell] I'm not getting any signal. How come you're getting a signal and I'm not?

Ziva

Because I'm up a tree.

McGee

Oh.

Tony

Ohhh. We often solve cases like this.

Ziva

Goodnight.

Tony

Night. [watches Ziva leave]

Gibbs

Rule number eleven, DiNozzo.

Tony

I would never date a co-worker, boss. Trust me. I mean, why would you even -- [Gibbs smiles slightly] -- that's twelve. Eleven: when the job is done, walk away.

Gibbs

So, what's on your mind?

Tony

Rivkin's been in town.

Gibbs

I know.

Tony

With Ziva?

Gibbs

The guy doesn't listen.

Tony

Does that bother you on a professional level or a personal one?

Gibbs

I'll tell you what. I'm having a little trouble untangling the two.

Tony

So you are bothered.

Gibbs

Oh yeah.

Tony

I had no choice.

Ziva

That's a lie.

Tony

Why would I lie to you, Ziva?

Ziva

To save your worthless ass.

Tony

From who, Vance? Mossad?

Ziva

You jeopardized your entire career and for what?

Tony

For you. He was playing you Ziva.

Ziva

And for some reason you felt it was your job to protect me?

Tony

I did what I had to do.

Ziva

You killed him!

Tony

If I hadn't you'd be having this conversation with him. But maybe that's the way you'd prefer it?

Ziva

Perhaps I would.

Tony

Okay, why don't you just get this out -- you want to take a punch, take a swing. Get it out of your system! Go ahead, do it!!

Ziva

Be careful Tony, because much like Michael, I only need one.

Tony

And that's what you're really angry about isn't it? That's what's bothering you. It's not that he's dead, it's that your Mossad boyfriend got his ass kicked by a chump like me.

Ziva

You took advantage of him.

Tony

He attacked me, what was I supposed to do? [Ziva knocks Tony down]

Ziva

You saw a glass table, you pushed him back. You dropped him on it. He was impaled in the side by a shard of glass. Bloody. Gasping for air.

Tony

I see you read my report.

Ziva

I memorized it! You could have left it at that. You could have walked away, but no, you let him up. You put a bullet in his chest.

Tony

You weren't there.

Ziva

You could have put one in his leg.

Tony

You-weren't-there.

Ziva

But I should have been.

Tony

You loved him?

Ziva

I guess I'll never know. [walks away leaving Tony on the ground]

Agent DiNozzo, my sincere apologies for your wait.

Tony

it's okay. I dig hanging out in concrete bunkers, especially after tweleve-hour plane rides in cramped quarters.

Your sarcasim is noted.

Tony

So's your shirt. Nice style. What is that? Zegna? Cavalli? Got good taste.

I' m not ceratain how my apparel applies to your visit.

Tony

And I'm not certain how you can classify my visit (pause) as a visit. All right, just so we understand, this is what I do for a living. I interrogate people all day long, so I know all the tricks of the trade and nothing you do is going to intimidate me.

Interrogate? This is an assembly room. It's a place for mutual discussion. You have yet to see our interrogation room. But if you continue with your childish arrogance, I promise you will.

Oh, Agent DiNozzo, what you need to understand is that I am very aware of of who you are. Your achievements.. and your misjudgments.

Tony

Okay, stop right there. If this is about my Twitter page, I just clarify I had a couple of cocktails and, what can I say? Sometimes I get a little chatty.

Do you know who I am?

Tony

You're the Director of Mossade ... and Ziva's father. Although, I'm not sure which one's asking the questions.

Tony

He killed an American agent.

An accident. Unlike his death, which was intentional. But what was behind that intent? Retribution for an agent you had never even met? You knew that Officer Rivkin would be at Ziva's apartment.You went there to confront him.

Tony

You hit him high, I'll hit him low!

McGee

I don't like the sound of that...

Tony

You hit him low, I'll hit him high!

Tony

(v.o.) Our team consisted of a gang of four. My partner is Tim McGee: small muscles, big brain, heart of a lion. Together we're virtually unstoppable... virtually.

McGee

I got him... Tony, he's going for the knife!

Tony

(v.o.) Our team leader is the fearless Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Former Gunnery Sergeant, Marine sniper, coffee afficianado, and functional mute.

McGee

(panting) Piece of cake.

Tony

(panting) Yep, easy as pie.

Tony

Come on, computers are your thing! If I had a thing I'd want to show it off.

Gibbs

There are rules against that, DiNozzo.

McGee

(speaking loudly) Thanks for volunteering me.

Tony

C'mon. You said you always wanted to travel.

McGee

On my own time.

Tony

On your own dime? Are you crazy, you could never afford this!

Saleem Ulman

[leads a hooded figured into the interrogation room, sitting them in a chair] Questions are being asked in town about missing NCIS agents. I am concerned that US forces might be mobilized. One of you will tell me the identities and locations of the operatives in the area, and the other will die. [removes hood, revealing Ziva] I will give you a moment to decide who lives. [leaves the room]

Tony

[smiles painfully at Ziva] So... how was your summer?

Ziva

Out of everyone in the world who could have found me, it had to be you?

Tony

[nods] You're welcome. So, are you glad to see me?

Ziva

You should not have come.

Tony

All right, then. Good catching up. I'll be going now. [tries to stand, but is chained to the chair] Oh, yeah, I forgot. [chuckles] Taken prisoner!

Ziva

Are you all right, McGee?

McGee

I'm just glad you're alive.

Ziva

You thought I was dead?

Tony

Oh, yeah.

Ziva

Then why are you here?

Tony

McGee -- McGee didn't think you were dead.

Ziva

Tony! Why are you here?

Tony

[painful pause as Tony tries fight the truth serum] Couldn't live without you, I guess.

Ziva

So you will die with me. You should have left me alone.

Tony

Okay. Tried, couldn't. Listen, you should know I've taken some kind of truth serum, so if there's any questions you don't know the answer to --

Ziva

I did not ask for anyone to put themselves in harm's way for me. I do not deserve it.

Tony

Is that what you're doing out here? Some kind of monastic experience? Penance?

Ziva

It is justified.

Tony

Get over yourself.

Ziva

I have.

Ulman

[while he is holding a knife to Ziva's throat] I don't make bargains.

Tony

Do you make pizza?

Tony

There's something I haven't told you, yet.

Ulman

What is that?

Tony

I've told you about the brains. I've told you about the guts. I've told you about the muscle. The scientist, the politician, the leader. I told you about every member of the team, except myself. The part I play.

Ulman

Which is?

Tony

I'm the wildcard. I'm the guy who looks at the reality in front of him and refuses to accept it. Like right now I should be terrified, right, but I'm not. Because I just can't stop thinking about the movie True Lies. You know, where Arnie's strapped to the chair and shot full of truth serum. He picks his cuffs and kills everybody. You have thirty seconds to live, Saleem.

Ulman

[sneers] You're still bound. You're lying.

Tony

I can't lie. And I didn't say I was going to be the one to kill you. Remember when I told you my boss was a sniper?

Gibbs

[into radio] Go.