Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Gibbs

How was the pawn shop?

Ziva

I hit a stone wall.

Tony

It's a brick wall.

Ziva

No, it was a stone wall. I backed up too quickly.

McGee

I can find an H-waffle double zigzag waffle, I can find a double zigzag H-waffle double zigzag, but not a zigzag double H-waffle zigzag.

Tony

I see a fish riding a unicorn.

Abby

[imitating Gibbs] Gear up!

Tony

You're not Gibbs.

Abby

[imitating Gibbs] There's a gun found at a Navy base housing.

McGee

Abby, that doesn't warrant a team call-out. A: There are thousands of guns on a Navy base..

Tony

..and B: You're not Gibbs.

Abby

Ok, what if I told you that the base MP's gave me the gun to test.

McGee

Doesn't warrant a team call-out. [Ziva and Tony shake their heads in unison]

Abby

And the gun was found under a kid's bed. And, it was loaded.

Ziva

Still does not warrant a call-out.

Abby

And it was recently fired.

It's not a call-out!

Gibbs

[walking into the office] You heard the lady. Gear up!

Abby

They only listen to their master, Gibbs. Only you can crack the whip. [hands coffee to Gibbs] Only you can drink the swill.

Any word on my immunity?

Tony

Well, I hear zinc lozenges help, but you might want to try some vitamin C or echinacea. Oh, you mean your immunity? No.

Ziva

[on the phone outside the safehouse] Tony, we have been compromised.

Tony

What are you talking about, Ziva? Is this a drill??

Did she get my medicine?!

Ziva

I'm going around the back.

Tony

Come here. Let's go. What are you doing?! Let's go! [sees Ziva walk in the door] Should we go?

Ziva

We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.

What is she going to do?

Tony

You know, I don't really know. Bathroom, now.

Ziva

[calls Gibbs on speakerphone and places phone on the table, then draws two pistols]

Gibbs

Yeah? Gibbs.

Ziva

We have a situation at the safehouse.

Gibbs

Well, yeah, Ziva. What is it?

Ziva

Just a second. [both men break in a door each, only to be shot dead]

Gibbs

Ziva? Ziva! Ziva, talk to me!

Ziva

Under control. [hangs up]

Gibbs

[smiles and hangs up]

Tony

In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you can turn to is the wall! [slaps his hands on the NCIS Most Wanted wall]

Ziva

We ran his prints. The coma man is indeed Jonathan Siravo.

Tony

Yes. The master of pirates can't change his diapers, but running an international crime syndicate?! That he can do in his sleep! [glares] You lied to me, wall!

Status on the Borealis?

Tony

It's a boat, and it's missing. Status on you is you're really irritating and I wish you were missing.

Abby

Oh, I remember those days. When I was carefree and full of joy. I envy you, Tony.

Tony

Why are you dressed for a funeral, Abby?

McGee

Is everything okay?

Abby

No. Frank is sick.

Ziva

Who is Frank?

Abby

My mandibular second molar. It's been killing me for a week. I'm finally going to the dentist.

Tony

You name your teeth?

Abby

You don't?

Abby

Heller made the bullet and I made the gun.

Tony

Huh. Assassination made easy, but I mean really, a gun would be easier.

Gibbs

He didn't build it to kill someone.

Tony

He built it to sell it.

Abby

[sarcastically] Perfect. Hi, I'm Abby Sciuto: International bio-weapons dealer.

McGee

Tony, I am not arguing with you.

Tony

You're arguing now.

McGee

No I am not.

Tony

Are too.

McGee

This is not an argument.

Tony

Yes it is.

McGee

(exasperated) No, it's not.

Tony

Yes. It is. (phone rings) Hang on...

Tony

(wanders to McGee's desk) What were we arguing about before?

McGee

(gives him a look) We were not arguing.

Tony

Oh, right. Yes we were.

McGee

Do you understand that that's what we were arguing about? The fact that you will argue about the least little thing. Sometimes you will argue about nothing at all... you just want to argue.

Tony

That's not arguing, McContrary. C'mon. Have a little insight. That's bantering.

McGee

No, it's not. 'Banter' is light-hearted, witty repartee.

Tony

(grins) Go onnn...

McGee

(looks annoyed for a moment, then gives up and smirks) It's your turn to get the coffee. Go.

Tony

Long distance can be hard. Telefriend from Tel Aviv?

Ziva

You're jealous.

Tony

I'm not jealous.

Ziva

Yes, you are.

Tony

No, I'm not. I'm not arguing, boss.

McGee

Argue!

Tony

Am not!

Tony

He got a name?

Ziva

Who?

Tony

The star of David.

Ziva

Oh, him. Yes, he has a name.

Tony

Trevor? Bruce? Marmaduke?

Ziva

Michael.

Tony

Hm. He sounded more like a Bruce than a Michael on the phone.

Gibbs

Okay, grab your toothbrush.

McGee

Road trip?

Gibbs

Los Angeles.

Tony

Cali-for-ni-ay. What time do we leave?

Gibbs

Not we. [Points to McGee]

Tony

McGee? Not me? McGoo? You?!

Tony

Get any more hits on our secret thing?

Abby

Do you know how busy I've been?

Tony

I know how busy you've been.

Abby

Okay, just asking. We got one hit, but it is a doozy. Guy on the right, Michael Rivkin, our supposed Israeli banker. Guy on the left, director of Mossad, Eli David. Also known as --

Tony

Ziva's father.

Abby

She must know Rivkin.

Tony

You don't ask her. You don't breathe a word of this, Abby. [Deletes file]

Abby

Tony.

Tony

I mean it.

Tony

Are we fighting?

Ziva

If we were you would be on the floor bleeding.

Tony

Okay, I accept that as a likely outcome.

Tony

I have a problem with your boyfriend killing our two prime suspects.

Ziva

Really? In my country that would be cause for celebration!

Tony

Well, you aren't in your country and neither is he!