Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Ziva

I checked Trimble's phone records, Gibbs. One person called him over 150 times last month. It was another prison guard by the name of Brenda Carter.

Tony

Five calls a day. I give her an eight on the DiNozzo psycho chick meter. Ten being Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Look at those eyes; crazy eyes!

McGee

[on the phone with his mechanic] You told me my car would be ready by the end of today...

Tony

One octave or two?

McGee

Listen up, because this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna take the first estimate and you're gonna reduce it by 10 percent. Then you're going to find my part, install my part and have my car parked upfront and ready for me when I walk out of this building in 32 minutes.

Tony

Wow. Who'd guess McGee would grow a pair in a women's prison?

McGee

I put away killers for a living, that's what I do. Now you do exactly as I told you and we won't have any problems, understood? Good, clock's ticking.

Abby

Wow, McGee, your time in the big house really changed you. I like it!

McGee

[seeing a large package on his desk] Oh, goody, they're here!

Tony

Goody? Who says goody?!

Ziva

What is it?

McGee

[opens box, pulling out an old computer] This is my Mac SE. Got it for my eleventh birthday. [lovingly] She's my first!

Tony

This is going to get really strange, isn't it?

Ziva

Going to?

Tony

I already rebooted the system, Frank! Twice!

Ziva

Four hours! Four hours! That is how long I waited for your cable repairman! Four hours!

Tony

You already said that! No! I will not reboot again! I will never reboot it again!

Ziva

Reschedule?! So you can waste another Saturday?!

Tony

Just tell me you have no idea how to fix the problem, then we can both get on with our lives!

Ziva

Someone will die today.

Ziva

You have to tell him the truth.

Tony

Maybe. Not until I'm absolutely sure lying won't work.

McGee

We're trying to make a connection between Jennings and his killer.

Ziva

Brandon Sykes. But we hit a dead end.

Tony

No pun intended?

Ziva

Actually, it was.

Tony

Well, in that case, nicely done.

Tony

It's like I said, it's always the maid.

Ziva

No. You have said it is always the janitor, or the butler, or anyone assigned to work in Abby's lab, but you have never once said maid.

Tony

Anyone ever tell you that your memory can be a real buzz kill?

Tony

Who do you think she's working for? Chinese? Russians?

Ziva

Cubans. After all, she is Cuban.

Tony

That's way too obvious. Haven't I taught you anything?

Tony

Enjoy it while it lasts. Women are trouble. Haven't you learned anything from me?

McGee

Yeah, not to go on undercover dates with a doctor whose father is the world's biggest arms dealer.

Tony

...That's low, Probie.

McGee

Well, we know why Captain Jennings was playing with dolls. He was using the primitive electronics in Beary here to build an old school phreak box.

Gibbs

In English?

Tony

Oh, a phreak box. That's a tool that hackers used to use in the 80's to communicate remotely with computer systems.

Tony

What? Come on, guys! WarGames? Sneakers? Hackers? A very young Angelina Jolie in that...

Tony

Melinda. [looks into his little black book, then prevents Ziva from taking it]

Ziva

How many Melinda's do you have in that thing?

Tony

It could be the girl I talk to at the gym.

Ziva

You don't go to the gym.

Tony

Well maybe it was the girl I talked to at the dog park.

McGee

You don't have a dog.

Tony

Oh, it could have been that girl I met at the concession stand while my date was in the bathroom.

Ziva

You need a secretary.

McGee

Or a therapist.

Gibbs

Or both.

Ziva

Beretta's, 9mm?

Feel free.

Ziva

Do you mind?

Not at all, ma'am. Do your best.

Tony

[sighs] Oh, God.

Stand by at station two for live fire.

Ziva

[fires once and clears the round] I prefer the Sig.

A lot of women have trouble with the Beretta. Think it has too much of a kick.

Ziva

Your sight is a few millimeters off.

Really?

Tony

[shows Medina the target with a bullet hole in the head] Really.

Tony

Popeye Carmano? NCIS. Are we all listening to the same song? Let me guess. Ricky Martin fans, Livin' La Vida Loca.

You gotta leave, man.

Tony

But we just got here!

Yeah, but it's a very dangerous neighborhood.

Tony

That's why I brought her.

La bonita es un Federale.

Federales es un buena.

Tony

La bonita will kick your ass.

Ziva

Pecados Capitales

Tony

"Capital Fish".

Ziva

"Deadly sins", you idiot. Fish is pescado.

Tony

Don't scoff at me. Lots of gangs are named after deadly fish. There's the Sharks. There's the Barracudas, Rumble Fish...

Ziva

There is a smurf war...

Tony

Turf war!

Tony

Hey, talk to me, Abs! Here you go. [Hands her a Caf-Pow!]

Abby

Thank you, Gibbs.

Tony

Abby?

Abby

I was just examining the evidence from the murder scene, Gibbs.

Tony

Abby?

Abby

The room was, luckily, really clean, because, you know, hotel rooms, they can be a forensic scientists' biggest nightmare, Gibbs.

Tony

Abby! I'm not Gibbs!

Abby

Yes, you are, because if you're not, there's a problem. And after Sister Rosita spraining her ankle after the sixth frame, and Mr. Giggles escaping --

Tony

Mr. Giggles?!

Abby

Stay on topic, Gibbs.

Tony

Not Gibbs!

Abby

Okay. Tell me. I can take it.

Tony

Well, he's just upstairs --

Abby

Wait! I can't.

Tony

Rule 38. [Indicating that if it's your case, you're the boss]

Abby

Oh! [smiles brightly]