Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

McGee

So Tony is in charge again.

Ziva

Yes.

McGee

How do you feel about it?

Ziva

Tony is a competent, capable investigator and a good leader. You do not agree?

McGee

Yeah, I agree, it's just that he's kind of irritating when he's not the boss. When he is, he walks around with that peacock strut and that smirk. It's like -- he's behind me, isn't he?

Tony

Smirking.

Gibbs

He got scared. He found out his partner was going to meet with the agent from the original case. It wasn't DiNozzo but the killer didn't know that. If I'm him I'm wondering why my buddy is meeting with a federal agent. Hmmm. Maybe he's going to flip on me. He can't if he's dead. There's our motive we just need our killer.

Tony

May of just found him. Abby just matched a print from Renny's hotel room to one of his former coworkers. A Commander Carl Davis. Gear Up. (Ziva and McGee stare at Gibbs blankly)

Gibbs

What?

McGee

We've just never heard you say that much at one time.

Ziva

Or in a week.

Gibbs

Wasn't my job before. Come on.

Tony

The Burning Bed, 1984, Farrah Fawcett

Gibbs

Torched her husband while he was sleeping. [Tony stares at him] Second wife's favorite movie.

Tony

Maybe Commander Davis' wife is going for a sequel.

McGee

Hell hath no fury...

Gibbs

...like a woman's scorn. Third wife's favorite quote.

Tony

The other husband, how kind of him. What do they say?....

Gibbs

Misery loves company.

Tony

Where'd you get that? Your fourth wife?

Gibbs

How'd it go?

Tony

I guess I missed him.

Gibbs

Yeah? Well, I figured.

Tony

Boat, Bourbon, basement. I get it.

Tony

A law firm in London wants me to call them. Says it's important.

Ziva

What could they want?

Tony

I don't know. Maybe it's about my Uncle Clive. You remember that funeral I went to last month?

Ziva

Your uncle really died? I thought you were making that up to get some time off.

You know, you might want to let go of that horn, junior. Riding a horse is like making love, you got to relax and enjoy it.

Tony

Sheriff, I have a strong feeling that you and I enjoy both of those activities in really different ways. No disrespect.

Tony

[after riding a horse all day] Ohhh, can you get nerve damage in your buttocks?

Gibbs

You're gonna feel worse in the morning.

Ziva

You're counting your eggs before they're laid.

Tony

Operative word is 'laid'.

Ziva

You are counting your eggs before they are laid.

Tony

Operative word is 'laid'.

Tony

For some reason you can see right through my disguise.

Tara

How bad's the dry spell?

Tony

Saharan.

Tara

Never been a problem before?

Tony

You kidding me? Not since Lisa Mullen taught me to play doctor in the second grade.

Tara

What's changed?

Tony

Real doctor, real love, real bad breakup.

Tara

Messed you up pretty bad, huh?

Tony

Kicked off a slump with women that's unprecedented in my adult life. I've tried everything. I mean, I'm dating constantly, but I can't seem to get it right. I'm not closing the deal, you know? Like there's a saboteur in my head. I'm making every rookie mistake. I'm talking about myself too much at dinner. I mean, I'm talking about my ex, I'm talking about my feelings, I...I scare 'em off.

Tara

Crying.

Tony

Ha! DiNozzo men don't cry.

Tony

Let's skip to the last step.

Tara

That's easy. Pick the right woman. [At that very moment Tara flips the switch to open the elevator doors and to reveal Ziva behind them]

Tara

Thank you, Anthony, you're very sweet- my patron saint.

Tony

Actually, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of hook... [stops himself from saying hookers] Saint Anthony is who you turn to when you've lost something.

Tara

So, who does Anthony turn to when he's lost something?

Tony

How do you know I've lost something?

Tara

[laughing] I may not know my saints, but I definitely know my sinners.

Tony

[standing up on desk, yelling] Excuse me. K listen up everybody, I need your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bungo Straight, Vertical Bill, can you hear me back there? [says to hot girl] Oh hi Natalie, hi. You look very nice today. [resumes yelling] I have lost my wallet. So, if you've seen it, please return it to me. There will be no judgment, maybe even a small reward.

Tony

Hi boss, I lost my... [jumps down from desk] You're going to say mind or marbles...

Gibbs

Job.

Ziva

You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.

Tony

You're never making me breakfast!

Ziva

That is the truth!

Tony

It's supposed to be "eggs".

Ziva

Cook them yourself!

Ziva

This reminds me of the forests I used to have fun in as a child.

Tony

I find that hard to believe.

Ziva

What, that Israel had forests?

Tony

No, that you had fun as a child.

Ziva

[laughs] Oh, sure. My father used to blindfold us, take us to the middle of the forest, and then we had to find our way out by ourselves.

Tony

I stand corrected.

Tony

McGee, do you have any idea what world of pain these kids will be in when their dads get home? You ever see The Great Santini?

McGee

Don't need to see it - I lived it.