Tony DiNozzo quotes from NCIS

Tony

[from outside] I want to speak with Special Agent Gibbs.

Gibbs

Everybody's okay... Boss.

Tony

That's good to hear... Special Agent Gibbs.

Your agent says he's a negotiator.

Tony

Well, that's right. He's my best man.

Your best man's a moron for getting caught in here.

Tony

He always had an attitude problem.

Tony

Just want to let you know that Special Agent Caitlin Todd is out looking for your mom.

Don't come back until you find her. I... I won't tell you again.

Tony

All right. I'm going.

How are you going to tell Gibbs the kid's mom is dead?

Tony

[grimly] I already did. Special Agent Todd is dead.

How much trouble am I in?

Gibbs

Trouble? Why would you say that?

Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?

Tony

You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.

Tony

Next thing you know, you'll be wearing clogs in bubble baths.

McGee

What is wrong with bubble baths?

Tony

This isn't about orientation. It's about image.

Ziva

So your image is homo-pubic?

Tony

Homo-phobic.

Tony

Ice? That means...

Ziva

You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke.

Tony

It was a really good one too.

Gibbs

[Tony has recovered three guns at the lake] You expecting an "attaboy?"

Tony

I... thought it'd be nice.

Gibbs

[lightly stroking the back of his head] Attaboy.

Cesar Bernal

[To McGee] You've been watching too many cop shows.

McGee

Well, you've been watching too many... gang... person shows.

Tony

I don't think McGee watches enough cop shows.

Ziva

McGee is a capable interrogator. He can be quite intimidating when he wants to be.

Cesar Bernal

You can't keep me in here like this!

McGee

No, actually, I can. You see, La Vida Mala has suspected ties to al-Qaeda. So all I have to do is say the word "terrorist" and I can keep you in this room until you grow old and die.

Tony

That... actually was intimidating.

Tony

You're deep moisturizing to bring out your "feminine glow".

McGee

I had dry skin, ok? My doctor recommended it.

Tony

[laughs mockingly] Haha! Well, you're walking a slippery slope there, Probelicious. Before you know it, you'll be taking bubble baths with your clogs on. [Ziva laughs quietly]

McGee

What is wrong with bubble baths?

Gibbs

[walks in and barks at the team before Tony has a chance to reply McGee] Load up!

Gibbs

Two kids found the First Sergeant floating under 6 inches of ice.

Tony

Ice? That means...

Ziva

You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke?

Tony

It was a really good one too.

McGee

Something wrong, boss?

Gibbs

Just admiring your feminine glow. [Ziva snickers]

Tony

I'm just saying, Probie, the whole metrosexual thing isn't working for you.

McGee

I got it, Tony. Joke is over.

Tony

Not joking man. We all know that the ladies love a macho man who's in touch with his feminine side, but I gotta tell ya, I think you're coming off a little gay.

Ziva

Because he uses body lotion and likes to take bubble baths?!

Tony

You forget the manicure?

McGee

Manicure was only once and that was because I tore a cuticle.

Tony

You just set off gaydar across the entire Atlantic seaboard.

McGee

Tony I am not gay!

Tony

This isn't about orientation. This is about image.

Ziva

So now your image is homo-pubic?

Tony

Term is homo-phobic.

Tony

Is that man lotion working for you Probie?

McGee

Didn't shave today. Trying a new look.

Tony

When you say "today", you mean the last couple of minutes or... [examines McGee's face]

McGee

Abby seems to like it.

Tony

Like what?

Ziva

Looks nice, McGee. It's very manly.

Tony

May I? [touches McGee's chin]

Gibbs

DiNozzo.

Tony

[realizes Gibbs is behind him] Hey Boss.

Gibbs

Why are you touching his face?

Tony

[continues feeling McGee's chin] I don't know, it feels good though. It's like a bunny rabbit.

Gibbs

Don't!

Gibbs

McGee, you're trying too hard. [hands him a bottle of shaving cream]

Gibbs

How was the flight, Lance Corporal?

It was, um… long, sir. How much trouble am I in?

Gibbs

Trouble? Why would you say that?

Four NCIS agents escorting one lance corporal?

Tony

You got it all wrong, Marine. She's Mossad.

Gibbs

I hope you slept on the plane, Lance Corporal.

Tony

Yeah, it's gonna be a long night. You want to get the cash first, or the Iraqi weapons?

Ziva

[steps on the gas pedal of the car and flooring it] Not scaring you, am I?

McGee

I'm fine.

I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

Tony

Really? 'Cause you were on leave with First Sergeant Downing, and you were with PFC Reggio the night he was killed in the drive-by shooting.

I can't help a coincidence.

Ziva

A coincidence, Lance Corporal? Five dead bodies, you're our only link.

Gibbs

Your company, your fellow Marines are stuck in Iraq until we solve this case.

You don't think I know that, sir?

Tony

He knows. He just doesn't care.

Gibbs

Hey, Silva, you know what? We have names for guys like you when I was on active duty. A Bravo Foxtrot. It's an explicit term for a sexual…

It wasn’t supposed to happen like this!

Gibbs

Like what? [Ziva floors the car; punching it]

If a drive-by killing isn’t solved right away, the cops forget about it. NCIS forgot about it! Private Reggio was my best friend. He died in my arms. I couldn't just let that go, sir.

Tony

So you decided to turn a quick buck?

No. I called Sosa to meet… but… but not to sell him any weapons. I wanted blood.

Gibbs

And your First Sergeant found out about it.

I don't know how… but he did. He yanked my leave and restricted me to base.

Gibbs

Then he went to the meeting in your place.

He didn't go down there to kill anyone, sir. He went down there to make peace. To end it. He didn’t want anyone else to get hurt. If I could, I'd switch places with him. I would.

Gibbs

Yeah. Yeah, I think you would, Lance Corporal.

Tony

Every time I bring a date home, my neighbor complains about the noise.

Ziva

What... her shouting "no means no!"? Actually I have the same problem.

Tony

Oh, you have surround sound too?

Ziva

No, I'm what you Americans call a 'screamer', yes?

Tony

(looking at McGee who is sleeping) Got any superglue, Abs?

Gibbs

What did I tell you about that. DiNozzo?

Tony

The skin might not grow back.